To add to all the frustration of engagement, my relationship with Ben was awkward and strange at this time. How do you relate to a person with whom you know you will be having sex soon, but aren’t yet? How do you look at a person whom you know you will see naked soon? Especially when you have never seen anyone naked before in your life. Up until now, I’d been “saving myself” for the person I was going to marry. Now I knew who I was going to marry: he was sitting in the room with me. So what was stopping us from doing it now? If I lost my virginity to my fiancé at this point, it would be to my future husband, which really didn’t sound like a very big deal at all. I would still only ever sleep with one person in my life, and he was going to be my husband. And yet it was very important for me to wait until the wedding day. So there was this weird, we-cant-have-sex-yet-but-we-can-in-ten-days tension between us that I didn’t know how to deal with. I mean, I was not anxious by any means to have sex, as it terrified the living bejesus out of me; but it was hard to find biblical justification anymore for waiting, especially when Ben was becoming a little fast and loose with his hands when we were sitting alone together in the car at night talking about our shared future.
Making plans to have sex with someone in the future has to be one of the most awkward things in the world to do. We had to discuss our expectations and work out the mechanics of it all as we were both new to the whole thing. Ben dropped me off at home at the end of one of these conversations in a near catatonic state: how was I going to deal with all this horrifying awkwardness? It was paralyzing, crippling. I lay down in bed barely able to breathe some nights. And I couldn’t talk about it with my sister. It was the first subject I had ever known that I couldn’t talk about with my sister. How had I gotten myself into this mess?
Money also became weird when we become engaged. Our bank accounts were still separate – our money was still our own – but it was also kind of not. We had to start making decisions together about how to spend it, which we’d obviously never had to do before. Suddenly, when he wanted to pay for my meal like he had done when we were dating, I realized it didn’t really make a difference who paid for it: it was all going to be our shared money soon anyways. Suddenly, when I wanted to have a weekend away with the girls or he wanted to get the latest video game console, we both had to stop and think about whether we should ask one another first if it was okay to spend that money which could otherwise be going towards the new couch set. It was weird to have to ask for permission to buy things with my own money.
So altogether engagement was just weird. And awkward. And stressful. I didn’t like it, not one bit; and I wouldn’t wish that state on anyone. That is, if it weren’t for the fact that it’s kind of a prerequisite to getting married. And being married, on the other hand, has been downright and thoroughly awesome.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for this post… I am engaged and am hating every second of it… I regret having ever gotten to this point… you are very lucky to have someone who is willing to be an adult with you. I find myself in all the same situations but with someone who would put the downpayment on the country home even with zero dollars in the bank account… someone who would buy the video game and go out for a weekend with the guys… even though I scrimp and save and sacrifice for our future.
Thank you for this post and thank you to Ben for showing what a real adult would do for the woman he loves.
Thank you
I don’t know if this helps or changes anything, but in my case, even though I doubted very much whether I wanted to be married I never doubted that he was the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I never had any doubts about him. I was certain that he had character and integrity and that he would be a wise choice. Plus I loved him dearly.
Marriage is only good if the guy you’re in it with is good. I wish you blessings as you work through this.