I really hate hearing about how awesome and special other people’s marriages are. I find it really gag-provoking.
I hate when married couples make a point of letting us know that they are spending special time alone together. They refuse an invitation to hang out with the group because they’ve set the night aside as a date night for the two of them. Puh-LEEZE, I always think. Make it another night. Or morning. Or afternoon. You guys live together, for goodness sake; the possibilities are endless. There are only two of you; it can’t be so hard to coordinate a night between the two of your schedules! Make it a breakfast date for tomorrow morning.
Maybe there’s just something wrong with me. I also get annoyed seeing parents look gaga-eyed at their own offspring, particularly if the child isn’t a particularly attractive specimen. Get a room, I think.
I roll my eyes when I hear the lilting words “I gotta get home to my hubby!” at the end of a girls’ night, or reading “I have the most wonderful husband in the world!” on some woman’s Facebook status. For some reason, I find their expressions of affection irritating. The worst is when husbands and wives address each other directly on a public forum like Facebook, writing on each other’s walls, “Have a wonderful day, honey! I love you! You are wonderful!” Excuse me while I shove a finger down my own throat. Couldn’t you guys have said that in, like, a face-to-face encounter? In private? In your home?
I saw a friend do this again recently – gush to her husband over Facebook about how awesome he is – and I immediately went back to my blog to delete any mushy stuff that may have occurred on it between me and Ben. (I am happy to report that I only had to delete one thing). I don’t want to be that couple, that is constantly broadcasting their love for one another.
It’s not that I don’t want people to have happy, romantic marriages – I do. That’s part of the reason I started this blog in the first place. And it’s not that I’m jealous of these couples – I’m not. Ben and I are very happy together. It’s just that . . . I generally loathe hearing about other people’s matrimonial bliss. Maybe I’m a Love Grinch or something.
It makes me think of Algernon from Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Earnest, who complains about being seated next to a married woman at dinner who always flirts with her own husband. “It’s not pleasant,” he says. “Indeed, it is not even decent . . . The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply washing one’s clean linen in public” (Act I).
How true, Algy, how true.
As a consequence of my sudden impulse to delete any and all mushy stuff between me and Ben, I later prohibited Ben against leaving any more comments on here. It actually hurt his feelings, to tell you the truth, and I feel bad about it. “You don’t want me to engage your writing any more?” he asked. “Are you embarrassed of me?”
Oh maaaaaaan!
I had to explain that I love it when he responds to my writing. It fills me up with warm fuzzies when my hunny-buns leaves insightful comments on my blog. But I’m afraid of being gross and “washing our clean linen in public.” I told him that maybe he should just respond to me in private, since we live together and all. I said I was afraid that his comments might look like PDA’s to other people – like making out in public. Ewies.
What do you guys think, though? Do you like witnessing other couples’ love, or do you find it gag-inducing, too? Does it make a difference, do you think, if you’re single or if you’re in a relationship? And does the format influence your reaction to it? (Like, if the couple is self-conscious and funny about it, does that make it OK? Or is it more romantic if the couple is completely unaware that anyone can see them?). If you’re married or in a serious relationship, do you try to avoid public displays of affection, or do you let them fly like clean white linen flapping in the breeze? Why or why not?
Also: am I a complete jerk? Should I not have told Ben to hold off on the comments??
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So true! The WORST is when you are on a double-date and the other couple is so absorbed with each other that you had might as well be on 2 seperate dates! I admit that John and I will sometimes tease each other in public, but it’s the constant flirting, poking, and inside jokes that drive me bonkers. I have noticed that sometimes that behaviour does subside once the couple gets married. Maybe they get enough of it at home…I don’t know. One thing I might argue, though: I do believe in spending time alone and going out to so something once married, and sometimes schedules are as such that you do have to purposely set aside an evening and keep it. With John in University and me working full-time, we sometimes do have to reserve an evening. Though we don’t call them ‘dates’ (sounds lame to me), sometimes they are important with opposing schedules.
I know, I know — it’s true. Some couples are more busy than others, and I know it’s important to spend alone-time together. I guess I just don’t like it when couples make a big production out of it. “Our marriage is so important to us that we are willing to sacrifice this social engagement to foster our love.” Blech.
Good. LORD.
I’m with you.
I know a married couple who consistently gags the fug out of me each and every time they post to Facebook. I’d say it is my fault for looking, but please, it is public space and really it draws me in like a rubbernecker at a car crash. I have looked across the living room to my spouse sitting on the opposite sofa and said, “Dude. I married you, didn’t I? Don’t you think that says enough? So I really need to post it on Facebook?”
I’m just as married as the rest of them.
Ha ha! Ben has been banned. That is cruel and unusual punishment. Tell him he can comment on my Facebook anytime he pleases ;)
I agree with you. What I do find extremely funny though, is when married couples poke fun at each other on Facebook. (Or even fight – that’s great fun to watch.) I have a couple-friend who do it quite regularly, and to hilarious effect. It doesn’t leave me with any of the heebie-jeebies that you talked about, yet it in a subtle way, it tells me much more about their marriage than couples who use Facebook to profess their love to each other. Makes me think it’s a cover for some serious issues.
When my sweetheart, darling, apple-of-my eye wife Kimberly (who has NEVER allowed me to use ANY term-of-endearment to address her, not privately, and most certainly not publicly) ever says something remotely cute or nice about me on Facebook, I immediately hide the credit cards and call home to find out what’s going on :)
To each his (or her) own. Being involved in Christian marriage ministry, I sadly hear more often then not of couples who show no affection and utter no terms of endearment to one another at all and it’s abundantly detrimental to the marriage. I’d rather err making someone roll their eyes at my husband and I than be in a marriage where PDAs were taboo.
Just sayin’
You’re right, Annalea — it’s probably better to err in that direction than the other. Better to be a little mushy than not affectionate at all. I should keep that in mind.
Annalea: I have since visited your blog and read your story, and I now have a slightly different perspective. I agree now more with your comment, “To each his (or her) own. In other words, I’m coming to see how relative it often is. After having read your personal story, filled with heartbreak and conflict, I found that the pictures of you and your husband looking at each other lovingly were heartwarming. I can see how, with your personal experience, you would rather see some cheesy affection than none at all. My experience, in contrast, has been mostly with lifelong but uninspiring marriages, and consequently too much public affection tends to trigger the upchuck reflex. But it depends on the situation. Once, when I saw a couple holding hands in church that had been previously divorced, I almost teared up, it was so beautiful. So it depends. Thanks for your input.
(And as a side note: wow! Your ministry looks pretty awesome! Keep up the amazing work).
I agree most spousal or even girlfriend/ boyfriend status updates on facebook are gagworthy and seem more like “look at me look at me my relationship is FREAKING awesome and so much better than yours”.
I roll my eyes when I read the so mushy they are pureed online statements but when I read your post it got me thinking- omigosh do I do that?! Have I done that?
And I have to admit on my anniversary I gave a shout out to my beloved, and maybe a few times before. But I think the real problem are the repeat offenders.
For Ben? Oh let him write- I think that is awesome!
And PDA’s in public, I think that unless you are getting married that day, and have a photographer asking you to kiss for a photo opp.- don’t do it. hahaha
-Eva
Haha — all right, all right, Eva, I’ll let Ben keep commenting. And I don’t remember ever seeing anything overly saccharine from you on Facebook, so I think you’re safe. The occasional shout-out is definitely acceptable, I agree, especially on anniversaries.
I actually like when Ben writes comments on your blog – it’s really interesting to see his perspective, especially since you’re writing about your relationship. I’m sure it would drive me just as nuts as you if his comments were of the type you despise, but they’re not, and therefore: let him write!
And… yes, PDAs in general drive me up the wall. Depending on the context, of course. It’s more irritating when it’s a couple you see all the time, and they’re CONSTANTLY cosying up. But I had been thinking that that was coming from a place of singleness on my part… so it was nice to see that you, a happily relationshiped person, agree. I feel bolstered.
I DO like to see genuine affection, when it’s not over the top, or obviously more for the benefit of an audience than the true expression of love between partners (HA! don’t you love that I used the word “partners”?).
And for the record, I agree with Eva: kissing photos make me squirm.
Kathy,
I agree with you somewhat; going overboard is annoying. However, I think it’s so cute seeing a guy give his woman a surprise peck on the cheek in public. Dave just wrote that he loves my on my facebook wall on Sunday, and I thought it was thoughtful. I think it’s appropriate every once in a while. I do get annoyed, though, when people update their status everyday with how wonderful their husband is. And I definitely do get annoyed when one couple opts out of a social event to go on a date by themselves, as if they can’t go out ANY other night (or afternoon or morning, as you said!).
One thing that definitely annoys me is when people are holding hands in church and rubbing their fingers together. I don’t know why. Holding hands doesn’t bug be, just the rubbing of the fingers.
I don’t get it – you are the one that usually tries to snuggle and get kisses from me when we are in public places, when I on the contrary try to avoid it because I don’t want others to feel uncomfortable about the whole scene.
Just so others know – I realize it’s perhaps a bit cheesy for me to comment on here because I could just be telling Kathleen …who is often right here looking over my shoulder while I’m typing. Yet I feel the need to contribute to this networked, electronic conversation. Partly for selfish reasons too – in hopes that perhaps people feel I’m somewhat as intelligent as my wife. Unfortunately though, expressing myself is not my strong point.
So in this case, I think to contribute to a networked conversation online, is justified yet not acceptable when using gushy language and stuff like :0, :), etc.
I don’t consider Mom and Dad’s house a “public place,” Ben! Gosh!
I’ve found–or maybe I just like to think–that couples who are publicly private about their affection are EXTREMELY affectionate at home. I am biased, though, because googly friend-couples always look at me and my husband like we don’t love each other because we don’t grope during dinner parties.
Having said that, we’ve been steadily getting a little more publicly affectionate over the years because–as terrible as it is to admit–it’s kind of nice. But over Facebook it is disgusting and, to me, always smacks of the reverse effect. If you have to tell your spouse how wonderful they are and how much you love them over Facebook, aren’t you really just trying to trick everyone into thinking that there’s nothing wrong with your marriage when maybe there is because if you were perfectly happy you would just tell each other at home? Maybe that’s just me. I’m pretty sure some couples do it because they totally get off on it, which is also why it makes you and I want to puke.
My other “having said that” is that I’ve found that I have to be a little gushy in my own blog otherwise people think I don’t like my husband very much. Writing a marriage blog without saying how much I love him seemed to lead people to think that I didn’t love him, which is a horrifying thought to me. Anyway, just food for thought. My husband doesn’t read my blog. It makes him feel embarassed because I’m too honest to “the internet” so it is cool that he was so eager to engage with your work in the first place.
I’m way late in coming to this conversation, but I had to speak up for the other side :) My husband and I are constantly holding hands and such in public (thus the title “That Married Couple”). I think it’s nice, and we do sometimes wonder about couples who don’t show any affection whatsoever, especially if they’re the kind who “play fight” and seem more mean than loving to each other. If you care about someone else, why not show it? Hm, that brings to mind the infamous “5 love languages” book. I thought it was corny, but realized that I definitely express my love with physical affection.
And it might be right on the money – though he’ll put his arm around me in public, my husband doesn’t do any facebook posting or even blog commenting really.
Finally, I do think your state in life matters. When I was in college and single, I hated it and would gag about it, but only because I was jealous :)
Thanks for your thoughts! I hope I’m not sounding like a broken record, but my problem isn’t with affection as much as it is with public displays of it. I’m actually crazy about affection from my husband. At the same time, I don’t like seeing it from others. Maybe that makes me hypocrite. And I don’t have a problem with hand-holding. I think it’s an innocent and often cute display of affection. I especially love to see older couples hold hands. I’m all like, “Aww . . . they’re still in love, after all these years!”
I don’t mean to bash affection. I agree that it’s important in a relationship!
I was so happy to read this post, and realize I’m the not the only who gags over facebook ‘affection’! I have one friend on facebook, who I don’t know very well, who is always posting about her wonderful husband, how much she is in love with him, about every single one of their weekly date nights. I’m not sure why I don’t like it…for sure, jealousy is part of it for me. But part of it makes me angry because it does feel a little like ‘look how perfect my life is’, without any of the negative stuff. Is it meant to make others feel inadequate or bad about out own marriages? Probably not. But that’s the effect it has on me.
Part of it for me is also that I’m just not an affectionate person. That is most definitely my husband’s ‘love language’, and is most definitely NOT mine. We struggle with that. If that’s the way he naturally expresses his affection and love, is he not supposed to be physically affectionate towards me just because it’s not how I experience/feel love? That’s a tough one.
Oh good, thanks, Holly. A couple of people have expressed a lack of favour for this post elsewhere, so I started to feel a little bad for being so negative. I’m glad others are able to connect to it. We’re all different, right? I think it’s useful to get some of our junk out there so we can all feel a little more normal. Thanks for letting me rant.
I have two things to add to this conversation:
1) I always loved it when my boyfriend would show affection towards me, even if it was in public. Maybe its different when you’re married because as you all said, the guy is right there 24/7 in your life… but as gf/bf status I think its nice that he cares enough NOT to care what other people are saying.
2) I think, and I’m still not yet decided as to how strongly I believe this thought, that people who are overly affectionate, whether be it at home or in public, tend to sweep the dust under the rug… I mean if they’re so focused on making every moment a fantasy, when does reality come into play? The world won’t stop being real just because you want to live in a dream.
This is coming from a single gal :
I used to think that seeing other people’s PDA was touching. Then I began seeing a pattern of people who were were affectionate in public who actually had really huge marital issues at home. So yeah, if you mean it, who cares. But I’m not fooled by the lovey-dovey stuff. I won’t mind a man who proudly declares publicy by his actions that I’m his. But if its not reflective of reality, then whats the point?
Interesting blog btw. I hopped over here from your comment on Jon Acuff’s blog.
dude, I’m with you COMPLETELY. you are not a zerk. though I look like a zork when I comment on gag inducing updates. they automatically assume I’m not happy, your just jealous or whatever. I absolutely hate how couple uses facebook to communicate these days. I, too asked my fiancheesy to not to stalk, comment or peek at my page, stay out.
I don’t want to be that couple where after every outing, you got to gag the world with your self loathing effing updates. May be we just don’t care.
what is it really prove? I wonder if they feel like LOVE exist between them now that everyone on FB know of it’s existence. Effing Pathatic, and cheap.
What happened to face to face interaction? embracing each other and keeping affection with in couples, doesn’t it have lot more value?
I realize this is an old post, but I very much enjoyed reading it and pondering on the thoughts shared. I think everyone has a stance on this subject because everyone has had to witness it. I actually stumbled across this Googling mushy endearments to poke fun on my sister’s FB status.
So these are some of my thoughts… Growing up, I always had a problem with PDA. When my husband and I were dating, we’d make fun of it and said we’d never be like that. I have noticed that I tend to be annoyed when I see PDA on FB, but then I noticed that the people that do it, tend to annoy me to begin with. I started browsing FB and realized some of my other friends do a little broadcasting too. I just don’t notice it from them because I happen to really like those people and am aware that it is genuine. Maybe people do it because it could all be biological. Our instincts telling us to claim what’s ours, in case any one else thought differently. Even though I hated PDA growing up, I really didn’t mind it in older couples. Now of course, if an older couple started making out, I’d be particularly grossed out. But I think that their affection tended to be of a considerate nature more than a I-wanna-jump-your-bones nature.
Though I’ve always had a problem with it and swore I wouldn’t fall into the broadcast, counterfeit love, I find myself wanting my husband to kiss me in public, aching for him to hold my hand, and swooning at him opening a door for me. Does this make me a hypocrite? I don’t necessarily want to make out in the ticket line when people are a foot away from us or grab his ass in front the kids table at Thanksgiving dinner or announce to the FB community that rainy days are good for baking, cleaning, and sex (seriously, I’ve seen this one and her entire family -parents and grandparents included- are on her friend’s list. Hello, Stepford!). I don’t want to be inappropriate in public… or wait, maybe I do. I think what I like is to be secretively affectionate in public places, but not necessarily in public situations. In the grocery store when no one else is in that aisle, stealing a heated 10 second smooch. At dinner with friends, holding hands or playing discrete footsy beneath the table.
Now, not to get too sappy, I think that the beauty of love is the intimacy of it. It’s just the two of you, moments and feelings that belong to only you. No one else gets to be there in that moment and experience it like the two of you do. Maybe we get angry because people are breaking the intimacy code, making it not just between the two of them. Maybe it’s annoying because it’s simply inconsiderate when in a group to leave the rest of us out, like an inside joke. Maybe when it rings, it sounds hollow and false. Maybe there is jealousy, but not necessarily of the “I want what they have” persuasion. When I was dating my husband, I tried explaining to my sister the way I felt and how happy I was. That’s what you do, right? When you are that happy, you just have to share it. After I was done, she went into a similar discussion of how wonderful her boyfriend of the week was. Stop… What?! Maybe I was being judgmental, but I was annoyed that she tried to compare what she had with what I had. What we had was so unique, so wonderful, and so special, right? Perhaps to us, but love is universal and why would you want it to be any different. The amazing gift that you get to feel that way, feel that happy, feel that at home in this world. Why wouldn’t you want the whole world to feel that way? So maybe we don’t like PDA because in a way, we feel like it makes less of what we each have. Maybe it does. Maybe keeping things intimate is what gives those moments the power to truly rock your world. I just couldn’t know for sure.
I feel bad that now I’m trying to coax my husband into something, he thought I didn’t care for, but really can’t live without. I really, truly feel that I require affection at home and in public to feel loved. I didn’t know it before, but having gone without it, I know it for a fact. Now concerning FB, I don’t want to broadcast that we are the perfect couple, that my husband has no faults. I’m just happy and in a way I want to thank the universe for those moments he makes me feel that way out of genuine, humble gratitude. So if you see “Tricia thinks Michael rocks her world!” well that’s because I do think that. Is there any harm in being honest?
I apologize for writing so much, but it’s definitely something I’ve been thinking about lately going on my third year of marriage. Maybe things’ll change in a year or two, ten or twenty from now. But thanks for the interesting ideas!
Thanks for all your insightful thoughts, Tricia! You clearly have thought about this a lot!
I was especially provoked by these thoughts: “Maybe we get angry because people are breaking the intimacy code, making it not just between the two of them.” AND “maybe we don’t like PDA because in a way, we feel like it makes less of what we each have.”