Meet the Gnomes

As you guys now know, because I confessed it in my confession post, Ben and I have been trying to have kids for seven months without any luck.

Most women I have talked to in my adult life tell me they cry around the time of menstruation. PMS, I am universally told, has the power to throw hormones out of whack and turn an otherwise reasonable woman into a weepy mess. Throw in cramps, bloating, the stress of keeping the whole bodily event discreet, and a whole host of other uncomfortable symptoms, and you often have a disaster on your hands each and every month.

When, on top of all these things, each bout of menstruation means you have still not succeeded in having a child,  you have what I call “a veritable tsunami of emotion” to battle every month.*

How do I deal with this?

By being ridiculous.

After another exhausting weeping episode last night, I decided perhaps it was time to introduce you to my “other” family. I already posted this on Facebook, but not all of you are my Facebook friends, so I figured I’d recycle some of my material today.

These are my gnomes. I’ve been collecting them since I was eighteen. They ordinarily live indoors with me and Ben, but this summer I took them outside for a photo shoot. I hope you give them a warm welcome.

Meet Phil and Milton. They are permanently glued to our deck. There once was a third one, Stan, but he went to go live with Jesus a few years ago. In fact, his death is what prompted me to glue the other two down.

(Requiem in pacem, Stan).

Milton has been decapitated once but I successfully reattached his head with crazy glue and he has been fine ever since.

This is Bradley. He and Edmund (the squirrel) have been together since before I knew him.

Meet Bruce. He was my first gnome! A gift from my mom for my 18th birthday.

This is Chad. He was a gift from Ben for my 19th birthday.

This is Charles. he brings some much-needed summertime spunk to my gloomy winters. He was a Christmas gift from Ben two years ago.

This is poor Douglas. He lost both his finger and his right leg in the taking of this picture (I kinda dropped him on the sidewalk). He leg was fortunately reattached with rubber cement but I’m afraid his finger is gone for good. Now he will be forever pointing into destiny with a little stump. *sad face*

This is Kenneth. I left him inside for the shoot after Doug’s tragic accident.

This is Dennis. Can you believe he doubles as a watering can? Those holes in the mushroom cap are the spout, his spade is the handle and he can be filled with water from his back. Awesome!

Dennis was a gift from Ben. My darling husband left him on my pillow to find on my 23rd birthday. Awwww.

This is Gary. Many people think he looks scary but he is in fact quite jolly and good-natured. Ben gave him to me for the first Christmas after we started dating.

This is Geoffrey. He likes to hold candy in his mushroom cap to serve to guests. My friends all feel obligated to rub his nose before they take something from him. I don’t know why — Geoff has never demanded it.

Richard. He too likes to provide guests with candy. Or pens.

This is Raymond; I got him from my mum-in-law as a birthday gift. Doesn’t his body language just say “Hakuna Matata”?  And we could all use just a little more Hakuna Matata every now and then. Or at least I could.

Reggie. A gift from my cousin Barb. He actually lives in the flower pot, like the Twiddlebugs (Remember the Twiddlebugs? Sesame Street? Ernie and Bert’s window box?? Kind of like that.)

This fine-looking gnome is Tollers, and the newest member of my gnome family. Aside from him being the best-looking guy out of the bunch, he is special because he was given to me by my awesome friend Sue . . . for no reason at all! Is there any better reason to receive a gift than none at all? I submit that there is not!

I named him Tollers because that was the nickname of C. S. Lewis’s friend, Tolkien. I gave him a symbolic “friend” name because he was a gift from such a good friend.

So there you have them: my alternate family in all their gnomey, gardenny glory. Probably, I will write some more serious posts later this week. For now, I hope you enjoyed the family meet-and-greet.

*Why do I tell you about all of these personal things? I have no idea. I feel compelled to, somehow. Sorry.

Tagged as: children, family, gnomes, humour