I have loved reading your blog. I stumbled upon it from a link on someone else’s blog awhile back – I can’t even remember whose! But regardless, reading about your struggles is VERY refreshing to me, because I relate so much! (I’m 25, been married over a year, and always been pretty career-oriented as well, I love Jesus too but sometimes get mad at God…)

I’ve appreciated your wise words about the Pill. I was on the Pill for the first year of our marriage, and just stopped 2 months ago. (I didn’t stop on purpose, I left it at home on accident while we were on vacation and discovered that the Pill had been messing with me a bit in ways I hadn’t even realized.)

So, I am not using any contraceptives at all now. We aren’t really “planning” to start a family now, since I know I have a reproductive disorder that will likely make getting pregnant take longer than normal (if I can at all). But if I did happen to get pregnant right now that would be fine. (By “fine”, I mean that my husband would be okay with it and I would be happier than I can even imagine right now.)

Just within the last year, I have gotten really baby crazy. Meaning, I ache for one. I’m a therapist who works with little kiddos with autism, and I love some of the kids soooooo much it’s painful, because they’re not mine. Because they’re not mine. I so understand the feeling of having too much love and needing to lavish it on a little person. I try to keep it to myself to some degree, because my husband doesn’t get this at all. He wants a big family too, but the extreme need (is it a need?) to nurture and love a little someone just isn’t there for him. You put this feeling into words so well: thank you.

I keep pregnancy tests in my bathroom and every time my body feels the least bit funky (say, I crave protein – which is really not that weird, since I’m mostly a vegetarian), I take a test and then cry because it’s negative. Because I had been thinking, like you: maybe my baby is inside me, growing. But it’s not.

Anyways: thanks SO much for sharing your heart and your pain. Keep writing, please!

I remember all to clearly that pain each month when you realize there isn’t a baby there… YET.

I have carried three little girls to term, they are now 9, 7, and almost 5.

I wouldn’t change a moment of the trying… for the wait for each one of these angels was well worth it! And they are uniquely individual… I can’t help but remember that if I’d conceived at a different time, they wouldn’t be who they are… I’d have a different child, and I can’t wish for that!

Keep praying… pray for God’s will and guidance… stay strong (I know how hard that is)… be willing to welcome whatever children He sends your way!

I keep hearing about that fertility monitor, I really need to look into it. I’m excited to hear that it worked for you.

I look forward to seeing you in the new year! But you may find me a much less interesting, confident and charismatic person in real life than in writing.

I think people who tell you “relax, and it will happen” deserve a big fat punch in the face. They don’t get it, and shouldn’t offer any advice. So there.

Anyway, I used the Clearblue Easy fertility monitor, which is expensive, but it works!! I was able to tell my 2 fertile days, and concieved this baby the first month we started on fertility meds it beats 2 years, that’s for sure. Whatever you choose to do, I hope you concieve soon, so that we’re both pregnant when we come out to Ontario to visit next year. We’re coming over BTW

I can kind of relate to your experience and I’m glad you can kind of relate to mine, too.

Your words actually do bring me a ton of comfort. I’ve never thought of my yearning as a beautiful thing that someone would actually seek out. But I can see your point and I think I agree with you — waiting to start a family until you’re actually “bursting” with desire sounds like a perfect foundation to start from. If I do eventually have children, I hope they will be able to sense their having been “intensely wanted.”

You’ve given me lots to mull over . . . I really appreciate it!

Where to start? I write this blog called WhisperedBetweenWomen.com and have been wrestling there with the problem of not finding that yearning for children yet. I’m thirty, I’ve been married for six years, and neither as a couple or as individuals are we there yet. I try not to let that scare me because I do want children, but I don’t want to start a family until I feel like I’d burst without it, like you do now. I know it must feel terrible to you, but it is such a joy to know that that kind of intense yearning does exist. And how happy it would be to know that you are a child that was that intensely wanted. We need so much more of that in the world.

I know it doesn’t help, but you suffer so beautifully in these pages. The only comfort I can offer is to send you over to my blog where most ladies are wavering on the subject of kids because of degrees and career dreams, no one is pregnant (yet), no one is trying (yet), and yet the women that do have children love them to pieces so there isn’t any tension between those with kids and those without. I’d love your thoughts, and I’ll definitely be checking in on your blog regularly from now on.

And good for you for wearing the skinny jeans! Seriously, go for it for all you’ve got.

Best Wishes,
Mrs. Levine of http://www.whisperedbetweenwomen.com

Thanks for your encouragement, Johanna!

And BTW, “life partner” somehow sounds like a much better alternative than just “partner.” I will have to keep that in mind.