Writing a blog is very different from writing a book. I haven’t ever written a book, but I think I know what I’m talking about in this respect. Eventually, a book has an end. You reach a point where your book is finished. It gets published. But a blog? It’s never “finished.” It’s an ongoing thing which doesn’t ever technically reach completion. And because of that, a blog is always changing. So I’m always rethinking my blog, considering its future direction. Here are my latest thoughts on the direction of Project M.
Update, Feb 11, 2010: I’ve taken some of the stuff below and added it to my updated “About the Project” Page. So if some of it sounds familiar to you . . . that’s why.
In the last few weeks I have come across a ton of other blogs and projects that are concerned with marriage. Most of these have been through Stu Gray’s Top Ten Marriage Blogs list. Through this list, I’ve started to communicate with a lot of other writers who are interested in the same issues that I am, and it has been really cool to discover what is all out there. Some of the blogs and websites are totally awesome. Some of them are . . . not. But most of them are awesome.
Yet, I’m finding that the majority of these other blogs have this same thing in common: they offer advice on how to improve your marriage – how to make your marriage “sensational.” (Each has its own word for talking about “sensational” marriage).
This is a terrific thing: I think that people these days really need to learn how to improve their marriages. Folks these days don’t seem to know how to be married: about half of all marriages break up, which is catastrophic. Evidently, we could use some advice on how to make our marriages work. But I noticed that I don’t really offer advice.
When looking at all these other websites, of course I’ve been forced to think about how my own project fits into all of this. How is my project the same? How is it different?
I came up with a couple of key things that I am trying to achieve, or key points that I am trying to make through my blog. I’m even thinking about updating my “About the Project” page to reflect some of these thoughts. Some of them, I’ve already written about in earlier posts. Maybe you can let me know what you think. Essentially, here’s what I’ve been thinking:
I’m not here to teach you how to have a “sensational” marriage. I don’t think I have the skills/knowledge/wisdom/training/experience to do that. I’m just this girl, you know? I’m from a small town and I’m married and I like to write; that’s about it.
I’m not entirely sure I believe in “sensational” marriages anyway. Call me a cynic. But even the best marriages in the world are just relationships between imperfect humans that are lived out in this ordinary and sometimes tragic world. Imperfect people are annoying. They misunderstand one another. They forget to put others before themselves sometimes. And then they die. Such is the fate of marriage. (Please keep in mind that I really love being married and truly believe that it is the best thing that ever happened to me).
Anyway, I’m not that big into advice-giving or receiving in the first place. I’m not great at applying sound advice to my life, nor am I good at turning my own experiences into instructions that can be applied to other people’s lives. I like to think of myself as more of an idea-generator, or a story-teller, or something along those lines. I don’t really go looking for instructions from other people, either, even if they’re really wise. I’m more interested in looking for ideas. I’m just not really into practical knowledge. Call me useless and airy-fairy. I majored in English lit.
I know that my lack of enthusiasm for advice is unfortunate in our current Self-Help Age, where people make a killing writing books and offering advice on how to make your life awesome. I could really make something of myself that way . . . maybe. But I just don’t think it’s for me.
Instead, I’m just here to tell the truth about marriage. I’m here to describe it. I believe in Anne Lamott’s dictum that writers have a moral obligation to share our experiences so that we don’t all have to feel so isolated. I’m also here to theorize about marriage.
I’m interested in dispelling the myths around marriage. I want to unromanticizing marriage, but also to occasionally re-romanticize it. I want to think about it with fresh eyes, casting off all the preconceived notions that we have of this multi-millennial practice. Marriage has been around since the beginning of human history, and can sometimes seem a little outdated and irrelevant for today’s high-tech world. But I still believe it is important and pertinent, even today.
I want to inspire people to try marriage, but I also want to be honest about marriage. In one respect, marriage is just another part of everyday human life. It won’t save you. It won’t bring you eternal happiness or satisfaction. I don’t want to give people any false impressions about the glory and majesty of marriage. But in many respects it is glorious and majestic. And it can definitely bring you occasional happiness and satisfaction. More importantly, I think it enriches our lives and enables us to become better, more mature, more complete human beings. So that’s a good thing.
Ultimately, like all of life, marriage is both marvelous and mundane at the same time. It’s both sacred and utterly earthly. It has enabled me to experience some of the highest forms of spiritual ecstasy; it has also involved a lot of tedium and engagement with everyday tasks, like laundering my husband’s underwear and cooking him dinner every day. Love is awesome, but complicated. Sex is awesome, but . . . complicated.
So why do I want to talk about marriage specifically? Why do I want to “tell the truth about marriage”?
Because marriage has been the most surprising experience of my life. Before I was married, I thought I knew what marriage was. And I didn’t like it. But since being married, I have discovered that I was totally wrong about all of it. And since I was totally wrong about it, I think that maybe other people are wrong about it too and would like to learn more. Even if it’s from some girl from a small town who likes to write.
What are your thoughts? Do you seek out advice on how to improve your life and your marriage, and do you offer advice to others? Why? Or are you more idea- and story-driven, like me? Do you think I should try to apply other people’s advice to my own life a little more?
*Notice how I have begun bolding certain sentences in my blog posts? Doesn’t that make it easier to read?? See how my blog is always changing??
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
The bold lines are a great idea Kathy!
I dig the bold, and I dig your individualism. It seems to me that having a great blog is all about being passionate and creating your own niche in the world…wide…web.
I’m certainly still feeling my way out in this area (after 3 months), but I think I do like doing some of the things that you don’t. I’m the “extraordinary” marriage guy!
But I also enjoy reading about your raw thoughts and experiences here at Project M. We’re doing different things, but a lot of it probably interests the same people. That’s the beauty of the blogging world!
One of the things I love about blogging are the communities that have been built. I love reading mommy blogs because they talk about EVERYTHING. The good, the bad and the ugly. That authenticity is beautiful even when I have no clue what it’s like to be pregnant, deal with postpartum depression, or the best way to discipline a 2 year old in a restaurant.
For some reason marriage bloggers have never seemed to allow themselves to be as authentic as mommy bloggers and I’ve never understood why. What I love about your blog is that it’s one of the first ones where I’ve seen someone talk honestly about marriage, and how it is boring and wonderful all at the same time. I think your voice is a treasure in the marriage world. Thank you.
I just started using bold lines in my blog too! Actually, I posted one with bold lines right before reading this one! Great minds think alike! Also, I’m one of those story-driven people, but you probably already knew that!
I totally agree with your comment that marriage is both marvelous and mundane. So true and part of the cool challenge. I appreciate that various blogs have different goals. I also don’t feel “qualified” to give advice, but through a lot of research, including dozens of interviews with very well qualified couples who have come through some crazy tough stuff, I’ve learned a lot and decided I needed to share.
I think many in Gens X and Y disdain both giving and receiving advice. That’s why the marriage book I’m working on is not how-to, but instead uses real-life story telling. It’s a bit addictive learning all these great tips and stories. But as you said, one day the book will be done. Hopefully, the blog will go on.
Best,
Lori Lowe
http://www.lifegems4marriage.com
Hi Kathleen,
Keep doing your own thing, it’s good. Stories are good. Your approach is unique, insightful, funny, and engaging. We don’t need a million cookie-cutter “how to” sites on marriage.
I also had misconceptions about marriage before I got married. It is indeed a great blessing as well as being very difficult at times. And full of mysteries — like sex and love–as you pointed out.
Thanks, everyone, for the encouragement!
I’ve noticed that advice giving and advice receiving is sort of a fragile/rare-moment thing [in real life]. There’s so many distractions and other variables that can come up in that moment to diffuse a good ‘advice-needed moment’.
e.g. Like screaming kids, a person’s mood or other discomforts (like needing to go to the bathroom or having gas).
I guess that’s why maybe advice through a reading source (like blogs) can be more effective. That or just waiting for the right moment in real life situations which I haven’t mastered yet .
It’s a breath of fresh air to read you. I have to admit that, as someone who is already a perfectionist to a fault, “sensational marriage” blogs, books, news stories etc. kind of freak me out! Why must we constantly be advised to strive for more, for better? Yes, some of us may need to reach higher and expect more, but I do enough of that as it is, I don’t need to be encouraged…it’s my natural state of being
My marriage for me, at least at this point in time, is something I’m always keeping an eye on in terms of “working at it,” but for the most part, it’s a place I can relax and be myself. It’s a familiar and supportive place, it’s imperfect yet “good enough.” I feel a lot of pressure in our culture to make it better…have MORE sex, achieve amazing levels of intimacy, communicate impressively, have this incredible passionate exciting life, and so on…it can be a little overwhelming. I only hope to keep living my life well, learn to love better, grow into a better person and enjoy the journey.
I’m with you. I’m beginning to think there’s no mold from which all good marriages are created. What works sometimes, doesn’t work other times. Better to just share it all so we can figure out what’s going to work for each of us individually along the way.
Hey Kathleen! I just wanted to point out a slight innaccuracy in your post. Right at the beginning you claim that “half of all marriages” break up. Actually, this is an American statistic. I know that since you’re posting on the internet, some, if not many, of your readers will be American, so this will make sense to them. However, for your Canadian audience (and remember, you’re a Canadian blogger – just one more way you’re unique!), it’s innaccurate. The Canadian stat for divorces is currently 37% – and dropping (yay!).
Also, I wanted to point out that the 50% (American) or 63% (Canadian) of marriages that are still together don’t necessarily constitute “successful”. Just because a couple is legally married doesn’t mean that their marriage is loving, functional – or even true. There are quite a few adulterers out there who are legally married, but is their bond still intact in a religious sense/context? Using divorce stats as a measure of “success” sometimes makes me a bit uneasy, as you already know.
Anyway, thought you might appreciate a dissenter.
Keep up the good work!
Heather
I’ve seen other people do it, and I noticed how it eases the reading experience. Nevertheless: thanks!
I agree with you — our differences are a good thing. When people get tired of hearing my half-baked thoughts and experiences, they can mosey on over to your blog and get some practical advice that they can actually use. And I still *like* the blogs that offer advice (some of them very much) – especially when they get philosophical or tell stories. I just don’t have much to offer in that department, nor do I have much interest in contributing to it.
Thanks for your encouragement!
like
Wonderful – a woman after my own heart! I’m a bit of a perfectionist too, so the constant pressure to achieve more, to perform better, to succeed more can make me feel a little tense most of the time. And sometimes I think it’s healthy to settle for “good enough.” What’s wrong with contentment? Thanks for your thoughts, I’m glad to hear I’m not alone!
Yeah, I suppose that was rather sloppy of me. I actually didn’t know that about the Canadian statistics. I tried really hard to find Canadian stats (I honestly did!), but my research skills for that type of thing still really suck. If I can’t find it in the MLA I’m lost. So I kind of just went, “Well, I’ve heard that about half of marriages end in divorce so I’ll just go with that.” Sloppy, I know.
On the one hand, the much-lower Canadian divorce rate suggests that marriages are perhaps doing better (in our country, at least) than I assumed. That’s cheering. But on the other hand, the fact that, as you point out, not all intact marriages can/should be considered “successful” suggests that maybe marriages are actually in worse shape than I assumed. In other words if, in the U.S., only half of marriages stay together, and yet on top of that many of the ones that are still together are in shambles, marriages may need even more help than I thought.
I agree, then, that using divorce stats as a measure of success is highly problematic. But still, if half (or 37%) or marriages are breaking up, that still indicates a problem, I think. I think.
Regardless, I feel you make some excellent points. I openly welcome friendly dissent. Thanks very much for your comments, Heather!
BTW, where did you get your stats? You are obviously better-informed than I am! I need to get on this.