Comments on: More Thoughts on What Project M is All About

By: Kathleen Quiring

Kathleen Quiring — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 04:16:18 +0000

Yeah, I suppose that was rather sloppy of me. I actually didn’t know that about the Canadian statistics. I tried really hard to find Canadian stats (I honestly did!), but my research skills for that type of thing still really suck. If I can’t find it in the MLA I’m lost. So I kind of just went, “Well, I’ve heard that about half of marriages end in divorce so I’ll just go with that.” Sloppy, I know.

On the one hand, the much-lower Canadian divorce rate suggests that marriages are perhaps doing better (in our country, at least) than I assumed. That’s cheering. But on the other hand, the fact that, as you point out, not all intact marriages can/should be considered “successful” suggests that maybe marriages are actually in worse shape than I assumed. In other words if, in the U.S., only half of marriages stay together, and yet on top of that many of the ones that are still together are in shambles, marriages may need even more help than I thought.

I agree, then, that using divorce stats as a measure of success is highly problematic. But still, if half (or 37%) or marriages are breaking up, that still indicates a problem, I think. I think.

Regardless, I feel you make some excellent points. I openly welcome friendly dissent. Thanks very much for your comments, Heather!

BTW, where did you get your stats? You are obviously better-informed than I am! I need to get on this.

By: Heather Greene

Heather Greene — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 19:55:36 +0000

Hey Kathleen! I just wanted to point out a slight innaccuracy in your post. Right at the beginning you claim that “half of all marriages” break up. Actually, this is an American statistic. I know that since you’re posting on the internet, some, if not many, of your readers will be American, so this will make sense to them. However, for your Canadian audience (and remember, you’re a Canadian blogger – just one more way you’re unique!), it’s innaccurate. The Canadian stat for divorces is currently 37% – and dropping (yay!).
Also, I wanted to point out that the 50% (American) or 63% (Canadian) of marriages that are still together don’t necessarily constitute “successful”. Just because a couple is legally married doesn’t mean that their marriage is loving, functional – or even true. There are quite a few adulterers out there who are legally married, but is their bond still intact in a religious sense/context? Using divorce stats as a measure of “success” sometimes makes me a bit uneasy, as you already know.
Anyway, thought you might appreciate a dissenter.
Keep up the good work!
Heather

By: Mrs. Levine

Mrs. Levine — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 00:27:46 +0000

I’m with you. I’m beginning to think there’s no mold from which all good marriages are created. What works sometimes, doesn’t work other times. Better to just share it all so we can figure out what’s going to work for each of us individually along the way.

By: kathleenquiring

kathleenquiring — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 17:30:02 +0000

Wonderful – a woman after my own heart! I’m a bit of a perfectionist too, so the constant pressure to achieve more, to perform better, to succeed more can make me feel a little tense most of the time. And sometimes I think it’s healthy to settle for “good enough.” What’s wrong with contentment? Thanks for your thoughts, I’m glad to hear I’m not alone!

By: Maya

Maya — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:50:58 +0000

It’s a breath of fresh air to read you. I have to admit that, as someone who is already a perfectionist to a fault, “sensational marriage” blogs, books, news stories etc. kind of freak me out! Why must we constantly be advised to strive for more, for better? Yes, some of us may need to reach higher and expect more, but I do enough of that as it is, I don’t need to be encouraged…it’s my natural state of being My marriage for me, at least at this point in time, is something I’m always keeping an eye on in terms of “working at it,” but for the most part, it’s a place I can relax and be myself. It’s a familiar and supportive place, it’s imperfect yet “good enough.” I feel a lot of pressure in our culture to make it better…have MORE sex, achieve amazing levels of intimacy, communicate impressively, have this incredible passionate exciting life, and so on…it can be a little overwhelming. I only hope to keep living my life well, learn to love better, grow into a better person and enjoy the journey.

By: benjaminquiring

benjaminquiring — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 16:12:30 +0000

I’ve noticed that advice giving and advice receiving is sort of a fragile/rare-moment thing [in real life]. There’s so many distractions and other variables that can come up in that moment to diffuse a good ‘advice-needed moment’.
e.g. Like screaming kids, a person’s mood or other discomforts (like needing to go to the bathroom or having gas).
I guess that’s why maybe advice through a reading source (like blogs) can be more effective. That or just waiting for the right moment in real life situations which I haven’t mastered yet .

By: kathleenquiring

kathleenquiring — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 15:35:18 +0000

Thanks, everyone, for the encouragement!

By: Brian Killian

Brian Killian — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 14:53:45 +0000

Hi Kathleen,

Keep doing your own thing, it’s good. Stories are good. Your approach is unique, insightful, funny, and engaging. We don’t need a million cookie-cutter “how to” sites on marriage.

I also had misconceptions about marriage before I got married. It is indeed a great blessing as well as being very difficult at times. And full of mysteries — like sex and love–as you pointed out.

By: Kimberly

Kimberly — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 04:47:06 +0000

By: lorilowe

lorilowe — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 23:30:46 +0000

I totally agree with your comment that marriage is both marvelous and mundane. So true and part of the cool challenge. I appreciate that various blogs have different goals. I also don’t feel “qualified” to give advice, but through a lot of research, including dozens of interviews with very well qualified couples who have come through some crazy tough stuff, I’ve learned a lot and decided I needed to share.

I think many in Gens X and Y disdain both giving and receiving advice. That’s why the marriage book I’m working on is not how-to, but instead uses real-life story telling. It’s a bit addictive learning all these great tips and stories. But as you said, one day the book will be done. Hopefully, the blog will go on.

Best,
Lori Lowe
http://www.lifegems4marriage.com