“Here, practice with this,” said Ben, crossing the kitchen with the blue crazy-straw in his hand. He had just retrieved it from the silverware drawer and was handing it to me.
“Um,” I said, but he didn’t notice. He put his pipe back into his mouth.
“I don’t want you to accidentally inhale any of the smoke because you don’t know how to do it. You don’t want to get any smoke in your lungs. Now do like me.”
I followed his lead, slipping the straight end of the crazy straw between my lips.
“So you’re creating a vacuum with your mouth, sucking in the smoke not with your breath but using your cheeks and tongue, like when you suck on a straw. Then you just let it out of your mouth without breathing.” He demonstrated a few puffs for me, releasing the smoke dramatically each time. “See? No breathing.”
He had already demonstrated how to pack a pipe, which he had only learned himself that afternoon from YouTube.
I don’t know when I became interested in learning how to smoke a pipe: one day I thought it was a vile form of recreation, and the next day I wanted to be like C. S. Lewis. I had always known C. S. Lewis smoked a pipe, and I had always wanted to be like him, but this was the first time I wanted to be like him by learning how to smoke a pipe. And Ben had reassured me that pipe smoke was never inhaled, so it didn’t sound so bad. I puffed away on the crazy straw while he puffed away on his pipe – the one he had bought in an outdoor market in Leeds for ₤2 when we were there last fall.
So there I sat, bare-foot and cross-legged atop our kitchen table, with my husband in front of me on a chair. I had a blue crazy-straw between my lips, grasped lightly between my forefinger and middle finger the way I had seen adults hold cigarettes in my childhood. I scraped at the aquamarine nail polish on my toes with my fingernail absently. It was very late – the kitchen window that opened onto the back yard was a rectangle of black. Sweet, woody-smelling smoke curled like dancing ghosts between us as he showed me how to hold it in your mouth for a few seconds before blowing it out.
And I became conscious all of a sudden that I had never imagined a scene even remotely close to this when I had envisioned marriage before our wedding day. There was no place in my imagination for such bizarre and unexpected fancies. This was my marriage in real life: learning to smoke a pipe in the kitchen with my husband, on a loopy blue plastic straw. How could I have foreseen that married life could be so . . . peculiar?
Once he felt satisfied with my performance on the straw, I graduated to the real thing. I put the stem of the pipe between my teeth and sucked as I had practiced. I was delighted as my mouth filled with thick, musty warmth.
“Awesome,” I said, releasing a gray cloud from my mouth; but in speaking I felt some of the smoke slip down my throat. “Oh, crap!” I said, slapping my hand over my mouth.
“Don’t breathe in!” he warned.
It took me a while to get the hang of it: despite the formal practice I kept letting the smoke into my body. Each time, I clapped my mouth and yelled, “Oops – crap!”
We took turns with the pipe, showing off our newly-acquired skills, until I started to notice the awful dirty taste in my mouth. It had been OK at first but now it was starting to get gross.
“I’m done. My mouth tastes like old man,” I announced.
“Yeah, let’s go brush our teeth. It’s late,” he said.
“OK,” I said, slipping off the table onto my feet to follow him into the bathroom. “But first I want to see how I look smoking a pipe.”
“You look cute,” he said.
“Thanks,” I replied, sincerely touched.
How about you? Have you had any of those moments where you thought, “I can’t believe this is marriage?” or “I can’t believe this is my marriage?”
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow, now THAT is great story! Thanks for starting my Monday off with a big smile. We have certainly shared a lot of unexpected moments over the years, but I have never smoke a pipe with my wife.
Congratulations on becoming a top ten!
Learning something new from our spouse is a wonderful thing! It keeps things interesting in so many ways …
Never stop learning from each other is just one of the 20 behaviors I have found so important in making your marriage the best it can be. I’ve written about this in my just released small gift book, “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage,” which I think you and your readers would enjoy. It will inspire and motivate you to keep working and learning …
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Haha — that’s hilarious! Just like kids! I love that being married doesn’t mean we have to stop being kids.
I really enjoy your blog, I relate to you on so many levels even though we come from very different backgrounds. I was not married as young but I was 21 when we moved in together and 24 when we got married, which was considered very odd in the big city where I live. Now I’m 26. He’s also the only guy I’ve ever been with romantically. Again, people think I am a freak for this, for some reason. Most of my friends are out there sleeping with lots of men, looking for the big LOVE that will complete them, blahblah…and I am just here living my lil old married life with the same guy I’ve been with for 8.5 years…
And I love this post! My husband and I are so peculiar, man, where to even start? We have our own “language” and weird sounds we make (such as the “hee” noise..don’t ask). We are passionate about grocery shopping together. We do funny dances to certain TV or radio theme songs…if for some reason he or I forgets to do the dance, we look at each other sternly until someone starts doing it, it’s just expected. In the beginning I definitely had moments where I worried that this was not how married people should be acting! After a couple years, eh, I could care less, because, it’s just the best.
Dave brought me flowers on his way home from school last night. I asked why and he just shrugged his shoulders, grinned and said “Just because”. Good answer, Dave!
Oh! He also bought me a King size Reese Peanut Butter cups (the one with 4 cups), but there were only 2 left by the time he got home!
It’s a good question. I think the weirdest thing we do is when we both use either Q-Tips in our ears or tea tree oil wipes (Trader Joe’s – quite amazing little product) on our faces, we compare to see whose ears or faces are the dirtiest. I’m not sure why, but the dirtiest wins. I have no idea how this ritual competition began. I didn’t think marriage would be like that, but I love that it is.
One time my husband was playing the guitar and he started to sing the song by Jimmy Eatworld about angels…”May angels lead you in…” and while he was singing, I joined in. I wasn’t afraid for him to hear my crackly voice, and we softly sang the song together. It was a perfect moment, romantic and beautiful, and I never thought that I would ever have the courage to sing with him.
Maria and I had a date night once where we both put those crazy black head strips onto our noses. It takes like 10 to 15 minutes to dry and we just hung out in the washroom waiting to see the results. Then the time finally came when the strips were dry and we took turns pulling them off and comparing the gross blackheads (not sure if that’s what the official name is) from our noses. Honestly, I don’t think I ever expected to do something like that before we were married. We haven’t ever done it again though either. One of those once in a life time things I guess.
Yes, yes, yes! A million times yes! There are so many things that make me stop and think, “Wow, I can’t believe this is what marriage is like.” For instance we speak like children and use silly words in our everyday discussions, we dance to tv theme songs, we named our bedspread Fluffy (I never imagined naming a comforter – what? Who does that?), and he instinctively knows when to pick up some chocolate milk on his way home from work. There are so many little things like that – just simple references and routines that have developed into this fantastically personal relationship that I never envisioned marriage would be like.
My husband and I have said to each other so many times that we can’t believe they let us get married – we almost have too much fun together! Who needs to do the dishes or shovel the walk when there’s so much fun to be had?
Of course we don’t remember that so well when we’re disagreeing, but we’re working on it!
Finding things like this in his pockets when I’m doing laundry
Email -
1)All Gaming Stuff
2)Write family letter
3)Read Family letters
4)Assault Plan
yup… this is my marriage.
This post had me giggling. My husband taught me how to smoke a cigar when we were engaged. In fact, his way to get me to the engagement location unsuspecting was to offer to take me there to teach me how to smoke a cigar. (I never did learn that night.)
My dad occasionally smoked them in his shop in our garage while I was growing up so the smell had fond memories.
The first time I tried, my hubby shared one cigar and things went relatively well. The second time we shared two different cigars while sitting on the patio outside my his apartment. When I went to stand up, I immediately got nauseous and realized I had clearly inhaled – a lot. Halfway to my car, I threw up. So he offered to follow me home in his car in case I got sick again. And I did about half way home. Once we got to the house where I was renting a room, I threw up for a third and final time in front of the house. Then he threw up because watching me throw up that many times had his stomach in knots.
Needless to say, I haven’t smoked a cigar since.
Maya, your marriage sounds awesome! I love the theme song dances! I don’t know if that’s the way *most* married couples behave, but your descriptions sound eerily similar to mine and Ben’s. I have certain dances too that I only do to make him laugh. If we play-fight, Ben will pick up a chair and pretend to beat me off like a ring master taming a circus lion. Stuff like that. So at least you’re not alone.
And I think it’s romantic and sexy to still be together with your only love after 8.5 years. Way to go on keeping it real!
Good answer indeed!
I love it. I love that you feel marriage should almost not be allowed because it’s too much fun. Haha! Most people don’t think of “fun” when they think of marriage, huh? I’m so glad that some people out there do! Rock on, Sam! I also love that your comforter has a name.
Marriage is awesome! It’s too bad that TV and movies have skewed people’s perception of what a marriage is.
I love your site! It’s so fun and fresh and I love your writing style.
I will be praying for you and your husband’s baby situation. I have a condition that causes fertility problems and I’m not looking forward to the struggle that it will cause when my husband and I start seriously trying for a baby. I know God is a great and wonderful God though, so I try not to put him in a box – he’ll bless us with a child if and when it’s meant to happen.
Also, I was trying to think of words to use instead of wife. I agree that “bride” is a wonderfully romantic way for a husband to address his wife. My pastor calls his wife of 30ish years his bride and it always melts my heart. Beloved is another sweet one, but I think it might be in the same category as bride – sweet but weird to call yourself. “I’m Ben’s beloved” sounds a little odd, what do you think?
You’re right, it sounds weird to call yourself that, but it is a lovely word. On my post about the word “wife,” my friend Heather noted that it might be weird to call ourselves “bride” (or “beloved”), but as you point out, it sounds romantic when the husband uses it. So maybe I will have to put up with calling myself a wife, but I think it’s time to start dropping hints to my husband. *wink.*
That is too funny!
Wowzer, what a story! If I ever try a cigar I will be sure to limit my smoking time! I’m sure it brought you two closer, though, eh? Ha ha!