So what is the point of marriage, anyway?
I decided this was an important question to answer if I’m going to devote a lot of my time to thinking about marriage and why people should give marriage a try.
I want to begin by saying what is NOT the point of marriage. I actually only met with this idea quite recently myself, and I think it is one of the most important ideas I have ever come across in regards to marriage. And it comes from a doctorate-holding family therapist, so it has more weight behind it than the mere musings of some married girl from Canada. So here goes: according to Dr. Corey Allan of Simple Marriage,
Marriage is not designed to make us happy.
In other words, the purpose or aim of marriage isn’t to achieve happiness. In fact, marriage serves another purpose entirely. This goes against everything our culture teaches us, of course, but the more I ponder this claim the more I think it is true and profoundly significant.
But why shouldn’t happiness be the goal of marriage? Again, Corey explains:
What makes you happy is way too vague and elusive. What makes you happy changes with the seasons and the stages in life. And often, once you obtain whatever it is that would make you happy, it’s short-lived and fleeting.
(Read the rest of his article here).
The problem, in short, is not with marriage but with happiness. Happiness is an emotion, and a fickle one at that. Its sources are always changing and its effects are usually ambiguous. When I first read Corey’s post, it made me think of something my friend Jen once said, which struck me as counterintuitive but profoundly wise: “Happiness is overrated.” How true, man. Happiness tends to last for such short periods of time, and then we have to go looking for the next source of happiness. And often, what we think will make us happy ends up disappointing us. It usually sneaks up on us unexpectedly. It is not a very reliable thing to stake our lives on. Marriage is unable to provide us with eternal satisfaction and contentment.
If all this is true, you ask, then what is the purpose of marriage? Corey makes one suggestion, which I completely agree with; I also have a couple of other thoughts, too.
Instead of bombarding you with my theories all at once, I decided to make it a short series which I will post over the series of a couple of days. To get you ready for it, here is a brief overview:
The purpose of marriage is:
- To grow us up (Corey’s idea – but I will expand with my own thoughts)
Before I sign off, though, I still have something more to say about happiness. It is this: even though the purpose of marriage isn’t happiness, I still think it is still one of its results, and we should strive for it.
What I mean by this is that we don’t (or shouldn’t) get married in order to gain happiness (because we won’t find it); but one of the natural outcomes of marriage is happiness. I can attest from personal experience that my marriage brings me unspeakable joy and satisfaction. Many others can attest the same thing. But even if a marriage isn’t bringing happiness to both partners at any given moment, that doesn’t mean the marriage is failing in its function. Far from it. Marriage has different purposes.
Here’s another example for comparison: the point of sex is not pleasure, yet one of the results, or fortunate “side effects,” if you will, is pleasure. The true purpose of sex is to produce children. If you are producing children but not getting pleasure out of sex, that doesn’t mean sex isn’t serving its function. It’s still doing its job. Your reproductive organs are still doing what they were made to do. Of course, though, it is still a good thing for sex to produce pleasure, and we should strive for it, but that’s not its purpose.
So it is with marriage, I believe. Even if there was no happiness to be obtained, I would still believe that marriage has meaning and purpose and would be worth all the pain and heartache. The reasons for this, I will explore in my following posts.
What do you think? Am I missing the mark? Does marriage have other purposes that I’m missing?
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In the Church of England’s Book of Common Prayer, part of the Wedding service reads
“…duly considering the causes for which Matrimony was ordained.
First, It was ordained for the procreation of children, to be brought up in the fear and nurture of the Lord, and to the praise of his holy Name.
Secondly, It was ordained for a remedy against sin, and to avoid fornication; that such persons as have not the gift of continency might marry, and keep themselves undefiled members of Christ’s body.
Thirdly, It was ordained for the mutual society, help, and comfort, that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity.”
I think you and the CoE agree on points #2 & #3. But what about the first point?
It sounds like you’re going to have an intriguing series. I also think it’s important that you point to happiness as a product rather than the end of marriage, even though, I would think, that an unhappy marriage is an unsuccessful marriage.
I just wanted to add a different perspective, and not necessarily to suggest that the following is purpose of marriage per se. In Islam marriage is said to complete half a person’s religion, perhaps to suggest that it should bring one closer to God and that sex is a sacred act. I have to research it more, however.
Anyway, I also wanted to mention how impressed I am by your blog Kathleen, and how far it has come!!
Your itinerary sounds very interesting Kathleen, I can’t wait to hear more. As for happiness not being marriage’s goal, I’m really glad that you mentioned it. Too many times girls are bombarded with the idea that marriage is the be all, and end all. But in all reality, marriage is difficult, and people should be learning that fact before the idea of marriage bringing happiness. Maybe, if girls knew what they were getting themselves into, there wouldn’t be so many divorces from false ideals.
Thankyou for this reminder, it’s just what I needed to hear today! We’ve been married 11 years and know this full well… the only way to a ‘happy’marriage is striving for,and allowing change in yourself… not your spouse…how easily I forget! As far as Islam saying that marriage completes half your religon,I’d have to say that would be an awful lot of expectation to fill!Prehaps God designed marriage to force us to realize that we can’t change our many times selfish,stubborn, arrogant hearts without Him? Love this blog, keep up the good work;)
Thanks for this Kathleen. Such a great reminder of what’s important. I’ve read Corey’s blog before but had another look after you posted this.
A question for you: Why did you start this blog? I’m just curious as it is often a crisis or problem that inspires people to start blogs like this. But for you, it doesn’t seem that’s the case. Inquiring minds want to know
Thanks for your thoughtful posts. You may be young but you are very wise
Hey Kathleen- Thanks for building on the ideas from Simple Marriage. I’m always interested in other people’s take on marriage and more importantly, experiencing more in marriage.
I’ll be sure to read the others in the upcoming series.
I completely agree with the concept that marriage is not built for the purpose of making us happy, but I do think pleasure is a co-purpose (I know that’s not a real word) of sex, along with pro-creation. God didn’t make it so that we would get pregnant every time we have sex, so I believe pleasure is as important a purpose. Just my 2 cents.
I love this and wish I could have passed on something similar to a few people I know who’ve recently gotten married with (what I would consider) the wrong priorities.
I think, after reading the comments, is that we should realize that happiness can be something attainable in marriage, it can be one the products of a good marriage. However, so many people think “I’m going to have and wedding, say those vows and the BOOM instantly be happy for the rest of my life” and that’s not how it works. It’s something attainable through hard work and often by a little personal sacrifice.
And anyways weren’t most of us taught since childhood that the best things in life aren’t free?
Kathleen, I’m so pleased to see you making the point about happiness not being the goal of marriage–something I’ve been passionate about for a couple of years now. In our society “freedom” and “the pursuit of happiness” are many people’s highest values. However, as you mentioned, happiness is fleeting and often not concrete.
I’ve written about seeking joy as opposed to happiness on an individual level. I think that is a start. Some of my interviews with couples married for decades reveal that they don’t look to each other to “make them happy” and that there are almost certainly going to be times in most marriages where one or both people are unhappy (due to illness, job or family stress for example).
There’s much to be said on this topic, but it’s an important one for newly married couples to understand. I look forward to your future posts! Take care,
Lori Lowe
Zeinab: I suppose I would agree that a chronically unhappy marriage is an unsuccessful one, depending on the source of unhappiness. If it’s because one member is ill and dying, for example, that is obviously different than if it’s because they are abusing one another. I just wouldn’t want happiness alone to be the litmus test of a successful marriage.
I guess I would also add that I don’t think a chronically unhappy marriage should necessarily be dissolved, as we are encouraged to believe; rather, I think it needs to be worked on and improved. You would probably agree.
Wow, it sounds like Islam holds marriage in very high esteem. That is very cool. I’d be interested to learn more.
And thanks for your encouragement and support, Zeinab!
Sorry I’m late on the conversation, but just thought I’d add my two cents!
In your very first line, you mention that you want to encourage people to “give marriage a try.” I’m sure you don’t mean it this way, but that struck me as a bit flighty, as if it was something you could just take a stab at and get out of if it doesn’t work. I know it seems like many people think this way, and find that problematic. I don’t think you actually think this – I just thought I’d point it out.
I think Zeinab’s point that happiness is more of a product than an end of marriage was interesting. I was even more interested in his comment that in Islam, marriage “should bring one closer to God and that sex is a sacred act.” That’s pretty much what Catholics think, too. (Not the “half of religion” part.) I’ve heard a couple times that the goal of a husband/wife is to get their spouse to heaven, which I thought was cool.
As for the sex part, they teach that procreation and pleasure are both the purpose of sex. These two things are so united and intertwined in the act that it’s wrong to make love when denying one of them. (When that happens, you’re basically using the other person.)
But maybe I should read the rest of your series so far before I making such a long comment here… off to do that now!
Man, why do the Catholics and Anglicans get all the cool stuff like cathedrals and a Book of Common Prayer?
I admit, I have shied away from the topic of parenting in relation to marriage mostly because I have no experience with it. I agree, part of the point of marriage is to rear children. That only makes sense. But I guess I’m thinking about the other things more since “procreation” hasn’t been a part of our marriage yet. Lately I worry that it won’t ever be. But thanks for bringing it up!
Also, thanks for the passage, Elizabeth! Very helpful!
That’s a good question, Holly.
No, there was no crisis. I guess what started it was all the reactions I kept getting in university: “Holy crap, you’re married? You’ve been married since you were twenty??” Everyone seemed to think it was so unreasonable to get married before you were “financially stable” and “secure in a career.” I kept thinking, “What do money and careers have to do with relationships?” Lots of people my age chose to live together as couples, but not get married, and this struck me as profoundly odd. Why can’t you make a life commitment to someone just because you’re still in school? How can one “afford” to cohabit but not to be married? They cost the same!
I started to think that people these days seem to miss the point of marriage. Somehow they think it’s connected to money and stability. I say it’s related to love and commitment and has absolutely nothing to do with money. I decided I wanted to get the truth out there about marriage. I wanted other people to know what marriage is really about.
Thanks for your question!
Well thanks even more for introducing me to the idea! It was ground-breaking, really!
I think that maybe pleasure has an even deeper purpose. I don’t want to undermine the importance of sexual pleasure — I agree it’s very, very important. I didn’t make that very clear in my post. But I think maybe the purpose of the pleasure is to deepen our relationship with one another. When a man and woman experience it together, their bond is strengthened. I think, anyways!
Thanks for your two cents! I always appreciate them!
Awesome way of putting it. Thanks so much for your comments!
Yeah, you point to a difficulty I’m having with my words. I’m aware that saying I want people to “giving marriage a try” kind of sounds like I want people to be reckless with their decision to get married. I know that’s a problem and I’m trying to find a better way to say it.
What I’m trying to battle is the attitude many people have these days that everything needs to be perfect before they can get married. They have to be completely “mature,” they have to be completely “financially stable,” and they have to be absolutely 100% sure that the person they’re with is “Mr./Mrs. Right.” They even think they have to “test run” marriage first by living together to make sure they’re “compatible”!
I say this is all poppycock. We can never reach perfection in any of these areas, and so to wait for perfection before getting married means to wait forever. I want to encourage people to be daring and go for it before they are perfect, and allow marriage to contribute to their movement towards perfection.
Lately I have begun to think maybe I should rephrase it as “give marriage a chance.” This suggests I want people to consider to value of getting married now. Does that sound better, do you think? I value your input!
Ah yes, that is a great point, and I think when it’s taken to the extreme that it likely stems from divorce being such a part of the social landscape. I do think “give marriage a chance” is a good improvement.
Just one quick reason that co-habitating is cheaper than getting married: no wedding. If you’re throwing an “average” wedding, which runs $20,000 in the U.S., then just co-habitating really is cheaper! Not that I’m advocating it, just pointing that out.
Don’t worry – I intend to write a post about how we need to rethink weddings, too. There’s no way a day’s celebration ought to cost more than I make in a year. Highly problematic!