Warning: ranty material ahead.
I love Corey from Simple Marriage. You know that. I keep linking to his site and raving about all the wisdom he offers. I adore his blog and feel he has given me so much.
But recently he wrote a post entitled A Good Marriage is the Enemy of a Great Marriage.
It’s a good post, don’t get me wrong. But in truth, this kind of post is the kind of thing that destroys me.
And I’m seeing it everywhere: “Be excellent.” “Be better than you are.” “Excel at all you do, plus more.” These are the messages I get everywhere I turn, especially from the blogosphere. Everyone is offering to teach me how I can become better. Because apparently, I’m not good enough.
All the other marriage blogs want you to have “stupendous” and “extraordinary” marriages. The people who write them are wonderful, brilliant, ambitious people, and I admire them. And their philosophy probably works wonders for certain people.
But for people like me, it’s unspeakably taxing.
I was born a die-hard perfectionist. My Mom tells me that when I was two I refused to say aloud any word I couldn’t perfectly pronounce. On the second day of kindergarten I cried because I couldn’t read yet. In first grade I cried because I couldn’t draw my favourite cartoon character. Ever since I can remember, I have striven for distinction in all I do, and have demanded nothing less than perfection from myself. In the last nineteen years of my life I have constantly pressured myself to be an exceptional student. In my adult life I have striven to be an extraordinary cook, and impeccable housekeeper, a successful writer, an accomplished artist, and a perfect wife.
It’s killing me, man. I can’t do it. I’ve never been able to do it. I’m not extraordinary.
I can’t even remember what if feels like to not be under constant pressure – pressure to achieve more, to impress more, to produce more. I live in constant despair over not being good enough.
This is a taste of what goes through my mind every single day:
“You are not achieving enough.”
“It’s your fault you’re not successful.”
“You don’t work hard enough. You’ll never succeed at this rate.”
Honestly, the last thing I need to hear is that my marriage isn’t good enough!
I would give anything to hear just one voice say, “Your marriage is good enough. You’re achieving plenty. Sometimes satisfactory is good enough. Kathleen, sometimes you need to be happy with ‘pretty OK.’”
Since no one is telling me this, I guess it’s up to me to step up and tell myself:
You’re doing fine. You don’t need to conquer the world. You don’t need to be extraordinary. Just be happy for once.
God doesn’t care if you never publish a book or get a thousand pageviews on your blog. He doesn’t care if you never become a public figure or tour the country giving important talks. He doesn’t care if you never get your PhD. All he wants is for you to love him.
And your marriage is fine. You’re still together and you care for each other, right? And you’re committed to stay that way, right? Good enough.
Chill.
At this point, I just want to be able to make it through each week without killing myself. I often have to tell myself at the beginning of each morning, “If I make it through this day alive I will have succeeded. I will have accomplished my goal.”
I wish sometimes that other people would affirm this as a legitimate goal.
Sometimes I wonder if we don’t need to be taught to just be content – to settle a little bit. Sometimes I wonder if our culture puts too much pressure on us to be extraordinary, sensational, magnificent . . . more than human.
But “pretty OK” isn’t good enough for most people. We’re told we can “do anything.” Maybe I’m drifting off topic here, but sometimes I also wonder if it wouldn’t be healthier to be told you aren’t actually capable of absolutely anything: some things are just out of your control. I sometimes think all this “You can do anything” stuff breeds a lot of self-loathing when we don’t succeed.
Since I’m told that I can do anything, I blame myself when I can’t.
I blame myself for being unable to conceive a child.
I blame myself for having acne.
I blame myself for not being a famous writer/blogger.
Since I’m told I should be able to do anything, I understand the above shortcomings as personal failures. But maybe it’s not my fault. Maybe these things really are out of my control.
So last night at 2 a.m., as I rocked myself to sleep, I decided that I am going to do an experiment. For the next week, whenever I start thinking my usual bad thoughts, I am going to repeat these things:
Kathleen, you are good enough.
You do not have to be famous. You can die without ever landing a book deal and you will be just fine.
You can perfectly happy with “OK.”
Even if no one else likes you, God does. And he’s the only one who really matters. He never said you had to be extraordinary.
Oh, and your marriage is pretty downright a-ok. In fact, it’s peachy.
If this new kind of thinking causes me to be less “successful” – to achieve less, to sink even deeper into obscurity – that’s probably OK. I can’t possibly be any unhappier than I am right now, so you can bet that if I fall off the radar I am probably better off in my new universe of “pretty OK.”
I’ll let you know in a week what I discover. Maybe.
And if it works, I’m going to introduce a new focus on achieving “the pretty OK in marriage.”
Does anyone else ever feel like this, too, or am I alone in this?
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I used to feel that way. Then we had an autistic son, and I came to realize, the hard way, that there are some things in life you simply cannot control.
Here’s the fact: Success, which I define as happiness, depends on hard work and luck. There’s nothing you can do about the luck part.
After reading your blog, I can see that you’ve got the work part down, and quite frankly, you write very well. I mean, you write really well.
Ah, man! Now I’ve got competition!
David
Kathleen, your marriage is good enough and you are good enough, too.
Most days, I like being good enough, too. I really hate the days when I just suck, and trust me when I tell you that those days are many.
The motivation behind my blog and the “Extraordinary Marriage” tag line is all about not getting stuck in a rut and allowing your marriage to decline because you don’t pay attention to it and try to improve your relationship. I try to give advice that gives my readers a shot in the arm and makes them think about their spouse and how much they love them….even if it’s just for a few moments.
I’m a big believer that if you aren’t at least trying to improve at something and keeping it in mind, you will start to recede before you know it. It may be easiest to think of this in terms of finances or fitness. At least for me, when I let our finances go on cruise control and just be “normal” for a while, problems arise and opportunities are missed. When I figure it’s cool to just take a casual attitude toward fitness, I get fat (as evidenced by my current physical state).
I am also a perfectionist, so I totally relate to where you are coming from. However, having an extraordinary marriage is NOT AT ALL about having a perfect marriage. It’s simply about talking to your spouse each day, having common goals, having a level of intimacy you both enjoy, and not allowing your relationship to suck.
In a nutshell, being extraordinary is ALL about doing what makes you and your husband happy. The standard for “ordinary” is unfortunately quite low, and I’d certainly say that you guys have an extraordinary marriage right now. So do I. And it’s FAR from perfect.
I hope that clarifies what I have in mind when I tell folks they should be striving for the extraordinary in their marriage. I’m not asking them to be perfect by any means. I’m asking them to care, to give it some thought and a bit of effort.
When it comes to the most important relationship in your life, trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to be normal. Normal sucks.
Thanks, Dustin. Sorry to dump on blogs like yours that aim to help people make their lives better.
You make a good point when you say you want people “to care, to give it some thought and a bit of effort.” You’re not necessarily talking to people who are already thinking about it and putting a buttload effort into it. Perhaps you’re right, too, when you say that “The standard for ordinary is quite low.” Definitely worth thinking about.
“And your marriage is fine. You’re still together and you care for each other, right? And you’re committed to stay that way, right? Good enough.
Chill.”
Yes, This. After last nights implosion of self–criticism and tears, I really needed this.
Thank you for being Awesome. Erm… I mean, Regular. Regularly Awesome.
“If a thing is worth doing, it’s worth doing badly.” ~ G.K. Chesterton
BTW, you’re a successful writer if you help anyone with your words, if you make someone laugh, or help them understand what it means to be human. You might never publish a book or write a million dollar movie script, but if you can create words that move people, then you’re doing your job as a writer. And seeing the feedback here I think you can say your a successful writer.
P.S. I’m guessing you know this already but, it can take quite a while for your body to get back to normal after coming off of the pill. It may be too early to start blaming yourself for not getting pregnant.
I CONSTANTLY feel all of the exact same things you described. You are not alone! I cried when I was a 7 year old because I couldn’t sweep the floor correctly. I find that my husband’s constant reassurance that I am a smart, beautiful human being really helps. And our relationship is constantly on the borderline of “Pretty OK” and “Fairly Good.” So, don’t worry! Be happy! God loves you! And you are a helpful person (at least to me).
Hey dude. I think I can help. I read something a while ago that made a heckuva lot of sense. It was the outline for why a certain person was writing a marriage blog in the first place, and what they hoped to accomplish. I’m sure you must have read it at least once, but you seem to have forgotten. I’ve posted the link here to make it really easy to find:
http://projectmonline.com/about-the-project/
I had a moment similar to this a little over a year ago. I paired down my dreams and decided to get happy with what I had and what was attainable. It’s not that I still don’t have big dreams and aspirations, but I just don’t judge my worth on whether or not I’ve achieved them yet.
A good example is my job right now, I’m working at a company I dreamed about working for since I was a freshman in college, I’m not working in the way I originally imagined, but I’m an employee and doing something that I know I can do really well, even if it’s not that glamorous.
Sometimes I’ve wondered if we don’t have too much pressure on us to be amazing in big ways that we forget there are plenty of ways to be amazing in little ways.
“In my adult life I have striven to be an extraordinary cook, and impeccable housekeeper, a successful writer, an accomplished artist, and a perfect wife.”
Kathleen, most people in their lives strive to be only one or two of these and feels like a failure. You have 5!!! I think if you’re doing “pretty OK,” in all of these then you have most people beat! And for the record, you’re not just doing pretty OK at writing, you’re very succesful in my eyes. We’ve been good friends for quite a while and i had no idea how amazing of a writer you really are! Until I started reading your blog, seriously, I had no idea. I’m very glad you’ve channeled your talent in this direction, where I know for sure you are reaching alot of people.
I’m glad you’re bursting the bubble on all the “be better than you are,” junk. For women everywhere I say, Thank you! I think it’s a huge struggle to be good enough for yourself. You just beat yourself up all the time, it’s pointless.
For myself, I struggle more with the thought that i am ugly. And lately, even before I read your blog, anytime I start thinking it, I have to stop myself and go the other direction. “Sue you are beautiful, and God made you perfect!” I’m not saying eat all you want, even if you’re fat, it doesn’t matter. I mean for the things that are out of your control. Nose, eyes, lips, foot size! The list goes on and if we listen to the world, then yeah, we all suck. We’re all ugly and not good enough. Good thing we know better!
Thanks Kathleen!
So with you, sister. As a recovering perfectionist myself, it has helped me greatly to think about what kind of person I want to be and what kind of life I really want. And, by that, what I really want and not what I think others think I should want. In the end, the good life for me is pretty simple: 1) being real/authentic in nearly every interaction 2) dedicating my life to helping others and being here for others–as long as I have enough to give (i.e. don’t burn myself out) 3) developing my gifts/talents. 4) Learning from my mistakes and using mistakes/hardship to better my life. That’s it. I can tell you: I don’t worry about my marriage until it needs to be worried about. I don’t worry about my kid until I need to. I don’t worry about my career unless my career needs to be changes. It’s very freeing. It’s not about the end result. It’s all about the journey.
Yup, I so get it. I had the same thought as I’ve read other marriage blogs. It left me feeling like, ‘I was feeling pretty happy that we’re trudging along, working on things, but I’m not convinced we’ll ever have an extraordinary marriage. Should I give up now?’. Not at all the feelings I’m sure the bloggers meant to elicit from their readers.
I think all we can do is try our best and realize we cannot necessarily make our marriage amazing or extraordinary. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be moments of amazing-ness, or that our marriage isn’t worth it.
Kathy,
ok stay with me:
Awesome post! I get what you mean about striving to the point of exhaustion to attain that PERFECT anything, appearance, home making, relationship. But one thing I have found can be compared to kitchens
When I go to someone’s home to measure a kitchen, say it is a cookie cutter home, with windows put in just so, so that everything is centered and no custom cabinets would have to be ordered. Boring.
I love nothing more than when I go to a home and it is old, windows are way below a standard countertop height, and there are buildouts in the room to accommodate ducting, ect. These are the kitchens I relish, they are different, interesting, fun, beautiful. And a design done the right way makes them kitchens that I remember forever. Gorgeous.
I think relationships are best that way. Not your 1940′s housewife magazine perfect. Best thing is when you and your husband understand one another, make an effort to show that in some ways. THAT is an extraordinary marriage. Individualized, personal love.
Kathleen, I know what you mean – there’s an awful lot of pressure out there, and I think we sometimes spend so much time worrying about striving to be better that we forget to be content with what we are and have. I’m guilty of this too; striving for excellence is tiring, and achieving excellence makes one worry all the more about keeping it up. It comforts me (when I remember to think of it!) to know that God loves me just as I am, and doesn’t want me to struggle toward perfection – that’s what He’s there for.
And for the record, as someone who knows you pretty well, I would say that you ARE extraordinary, in many wonderful ways without even trying. Remember that the people who love you love you most just because you are yourself – not because you put all of us to shame in the grades department, or can cook up a storm, or are a gifted artist, or an evocative writer, but because you are are kind and loving person, deserving of love in return!
I’m with you on the type-A perfectionist personality. I’m a bigger fan of the philosophy “perfect is the enemy of good.” I ask myself, pretty much daily, “Have I been a good wife today?” and I think the important thing is that I’m asking the question. If I stop asking myself this, then it is time for worry. However, if I asked myself, instead, “Have I been a perfect/great/amazing wife today?” I would probably end up chronically depressed.
It’s somewhat analogous to when I started running. I’ve been a software engineer for 5 years, and 5 years of serious inactivity has taken its toll. If I had started out trying to be a perfect runner, I would have quit after the first run. But now that I’ve spent 6 months building up (running 1 minute, 3 minutes, 5 minutes at a time, etc), I can run 30 minutes without stopping (for the first time in my life). However, my form is embarrassing, and I am pretty slow. Anyways – if I had started out on day 1 of my marriage saying “I’m going to be a perfect wife” – I’d fail in the same way (and sorta did). But after 6.5 years, I’m a better wife than I was at the beginning, because I’ve been growing that whole time. I think being a good wife takes practice, just like running, and only by accepting where I am and trying to chip away at the bad habits slowly, will I actually someday be an “ultra” wife (running joke – “ultras” are ultra-marathons, races longer than 26.2 miles).
Hello. I just wanted to let you know that this blog relates to ALL women not just the ones who are super perky ambitious types. Also, the ones who strive to be better and go for the gold with every little thing they do usually end up on top alone or dragging loved ones with them. Its good to be “ok” especially in our messed up society. It should be called a tremendous accomplishment! To be able to stay married, reach for our dreams and be able to have time to love others is THE BEST thing anyone can achieve. If you ask me….and you did. Haha
Wow, you guys are all awesome. You are way too kind. Thanks so much for all your kind words and encouragement.
I especially appreciate what you’ve said here, Elizabeth – “perfect is the enemy of good,” and “If I ask myself, ‘Have I been a perfect/great/amazing wife today?’ I would probably end up chronically depressed.” You SO understand me. Thanks!!
I am a new visitor to your blog, having found it from the list of top marriage blogs of 2009. I have to say I feel the exact same way about my relationship. We are just a few months away from marriage now and I am so looking forward to becoming his wife, but there were many moments where I almost threw it all away because I wondering “Could there be something better out there? Could marriage and love be something more?” One little issue or fight exploded into internal questioning and negative thinking about what I should expect out of marriage, a husband, etc. And I’ve found that my expectations for “ordinary” are actually quite high, unrealistically high in fact! When I stop the analyzing, I realize how more than just okay things are, how happy and satisfied I am with who I am with.
I think it is unfortunate that many perfectionists like us were raised looking for perfection in marriage and in our spouses, even though we know we ourselves cannot and are not perfect. There is no perfect marriage. But there are marriages where both partners make extraordinary efforts, and it sounds like you already do!
Cool! You totally dumped on my blog too!!! Woo Hoo!!
Hey Kathleen – I just have been going back thru Google Reader – I’m a bit behind. I haven’t been keeping up with my reading like I should.
I think you are right on the money. There are so many great thoughts in your post – and your comments, I can’t add much to the conversation.
Contentment is a big word for me this year. Being happy with where I am, what I am doing, what I have…but not being complacent. I think there is a difference.
A friend of mine said “My marriage is on coast. But the only way to coast is downhill.” I didn’t want to coast anymore in my marriage (I think we were well past coasting, and up to a good steady roll).
I knew I needed to learn what made a great marriage – a “stupendous marriage” (if you will) and when I started filling my head, it came out in blog posts that were motivating for… me. So, as much as others might read the blog – I write alot of it to help remember and motivate myself!
Dustin made a great point – the bar for ordinary is pretty low – but those of us really thinking and writing about it – passing along what we learn and experience have a great (do I say it?) advantage over those who aren’t really taking the time to think about their relationship with their spouse.
BTW – you rock. And thanks for being so honest with your writing. It’s really terrific.
Thanks, Stu. Thanks for being open and forgiving towards my rant. I think you and Dustin are both kind of highlighting the fact that for a lot of people, “normal” or “OK” is pretty lousy, whereas for other people, the standard might be higher. So perhaps you’re really encouraging those people whose idea of OK is not actually very OK. But your blog is definitely encouraging and inspiring, and if it motivates you it unquestionably helps other people too.
Thanks for commenting!
Just wanted to say that your marriage is good enough. You’re achieving plenty. Sometimes satisfactory is good enough (often your satisfactory is other people’s perfection). Kathleen, it’s fine to be happy with pretty OK.
Take good care of yourself. It’s you that people love and respect–not the blog, book deal, marriage, house, or any of those ways in which your charm manifests itself. You could quit it all today and you’d still be extraordinary. But most of all I think you need a bath and a day or so to fall into a good book or TV series. If you can’t give yourself permission to relax, ask Ben to give it to you. As silly as it sounds, when my husband says, “You need to take time out to care for yourself,” I suddenly feel like I can.
Wow, thanks Mrs. Levine. You are too kind! I love the idea of asking Ben for permission to relax. It does sound silly but it’s exactly what I need sometimes. I think sometimes I do it on the sly, just by saying, “I’m so stressed out . . . I have so much to do . . . ” and then I wait for him to tell me I don’t actually need to do it all. As soon as he tells me this, I feel better. I should cut the crap and just admit I’m looking for permission from someone else. I’m glad I’m not alone in needing this sometimes!
I know this sounds weird and maybe out there, but I used to talk to myself that way:
“You are not achieving enough.”
“It’s your fault you’re not successful.”
“You don’t work hard enough. You’ll never succeed at this rate.”
And lots of other perfectionist, not-good-enough kinds of self-talk. Then I started taking a vitamin D supplement. Seriously. Suddenly, the GUILT went away and I am able to be more kind and objective about myself. I still know my weaknesses, but I can step back, think about them and go from there.
Like I said, I know it sounds out there, but vitamin D REALLY helps me.
I also want to say that I’ve been reading some marriage books and blogs lately and they’ve sort of STRESSED me out about how good my marriage is. And the thing is, there wasn’t anything really wrong with it to begin with. If focusing on making it great takes all the fun out of it from day to day, it’s not worth it. Do good, be happy, and try to relax. That ought to be my mantra.
Thanks, Ann. You know, I’m willing to try anything right about now — maybe vitamins could help. I’m learning more and more about what negative effects nutritional deficiencies can have on our bodies; who’s to say it doesn’t have an emotional toll, too? I’m thinking about taking vitamin D anyways to improve my fertility, so now I have even more motivation to give it a shot. Thanks!
I’m also comforted to hear I’m not the only one who gets stressed out reading marriage books!
Dear Kathleen,
Thanks for your sincerity and courage!
Have you ever considered that none of us – you included! – needs to “achieve” anything, especially the “approval” or the “permission” nor the “advice” of anybody regarding our most intimate matters – marriage included! – which are simply unique, intimate and nobody else’s “business”?
Intimate matters may need professional services to be understood and fully assumed – and that is what therapy is for – but judging is useless, unless we “believe” that somebody else knows what is best for each one of us, or else because we are ready to engage in our intimate matters in the same materialistic ways that we go to the super-market?
Thanks for listening, Kathleen!
Be happy!!!
Rubens
Wow, this post has really struck a chord with me. As a full-time perfectionist, I am my own worst critic. I hold myself to a ridiculous standard and I can easily get down on myself when I’m “under-achieving”. Of course, this is all mostly in my own head.
I think part of the challenge is what we define as extraordinary. What’s extraordinary for one person may be considered average for another.. and I think that’s part of what we need to consider as we evaluate ourselves based on other people’s definitions. Or, when we create our own definitions that are somewhat unrealistic.
I also think that even a “pretty ok” life & marriage does indeed offer some days that are truly extraordinary. I think that we forget (or at least I do!) that you can’t be acheiving top performance every single moment of every single day. Some days stand out and others just blur together.. but that’s ok. It’s not less of a life, it’s not lower expectations, it’s just simply living. And, sometimes just living happily can be extraordinary!
I came over from Simple Marriage (and am about to read your guest post over there) but just wanted to say that I love this post. I am not so much a perfectionist, myself, as I am one that has convinced myself that I need to be the best at everything. When I’m not, I give up. And it has affected my marriage, my parenting, and my friendships. It stinks.
So, thanks for writing words I need to read and maybe repeat to myself often. Also, thanks to one of your commenters, I’m thinking of adding a Vitamin D supplement!
Hey, I clicked over from Brandi/WBFS (comment above)… Have you read “The Pressure’s Off: there’s a new way to live”? (Here’s the amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Pressures-Off-Theres-New-Live/dp/1578568455/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265156209&sr=8-1) My hubby read it and said it was FABULOUS. It sounds like the kind of antidote to perfectionism you (and I, ha) could use.
Hi Moriah – no, I’ve never even heard of the book before. But I checked out the reviews on your link and it does seem pretty relevant to my situation! I’ll have to keep it in mind. Thanks!
Great blog, It seems like you are are really using it to learn and help others learn.
I think we wonder about whether or not we are good enough because we are given so many conflicting thoughts about what the point of our lives should be. Why aren’t you Mother Theresa? Or Gandhi? WHY AREN’T YOU DOING GREAT THINGS? When I start thinking things like this, I read Little Women, and I remember a Great Thing can be a small thing, too. That’s actually somewhat embarrassing to admit to a complete stranger, but there it is.
Thanks, Melissa! I think you’re exactly right. Also, I don’t think there’s anything to be embarrassed of in finding wisdom in literature, even if it’s in young adult literature.
I recently became a fan of your blog…and was poking around and found this today.
I can’t tell you how much I needed this. Every word described me.
It is an overwhelming task to be perfect in every area of life. The PhD hangs over my head as well, but the fear of not accomplishing it terrorizes me.
Little things- call for perfection.
Big things- call for perfection.
Who’s responsibility to be perfect? Mine.
Gosh, I relate.
Thank you.
And you made me feel “ok” for today. So you have accomplished something good.