Comments on: The Myth of Compatibility

By: Kathleen Quiring

Kathleen Quiring — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 13:25:20 +0000

Sorry, Mags, but I needed an illustration! Maybe it’s not very nice to use family members for blog illustrations without asking permission.

I know it’s not as simple as I’ve made it out to be.

I tried to keep everything vague enough to maintain anonymity. Tell you what: I’ll make them even more vague if I can.

By: Kathleen Quiring

Kathleen Quiring — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 22:17:01 +0000

Exactly: your spouse can never fit you perfectly; that’s why you need other relationships, to fill in those gaps. I have other friends with whom I can discuss my love for Lewis. Thanks for mentioning that!

By: Lori Lowe

Lori Lowe — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 17:22:40 +0000

Kathleen, you’re so right about not knowing our ideal mate ahead of time. I have also tried persuading my hubby to read C.S. Lewis, but the enthusiasm just isn’t there. Instead, his gifts and interests are in fixing or building almost anything, being an awesome father, and volunteering to help others. The exciting thing was this summer seeing my 8 yr old son literally fall in love with the Chronicles of Narnia and truly appreciate every great line and message. I read them along with him, and what a true joy to experience great writing together. Friends and family help fill gaps, as we can’t expect our spouse to fulfill every desire and be compatible on every issue. Being married to ourselves wouldn’t be that fun anyway!

By: Heather Greene

Heather Greene — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 05:53:27 +0000

I thought of myself and Rob the entire way through this post. We’re also a poster couple for non-compatibility working out wonderfully in practice. I’m an academic tree-hugger pacifist, while he’s a soldier who has cheerfully opted to go to war to avoid post-secondary schooling. I love to travel, read, and visit museums, he likes computer games, fast cars, and bacon. Man oh man, are we ever bad on paper. But in reality, as you know, things work out pretty well!

By: Adventure-Some Matthew

Adventure-Some Matthew — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 07:35:12 +0000

This might be the perfect post for me to read right now! Not an hour ago I was having this discussion with a friend of mine, about finding your compatible spouse. I’m going to send this to her right now, thanks!

(Oh, by the way, my wife and I are compatible in many ways, and all of the important ones. We had many discussions and experiences together to know that before I ever asked her to marry me.)

By: Mrs. Levine

Mrs. Levine — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 23:41:03 +0000

I like your “Sharing is Sexy” widget! That’s cool.

Compatibility is a funny thing. I think, like you, it has less to do with what you have in common and more about the cosmic dust the two of you’re made of. I didn’t know until after I was married that my husband likes to do silly dances to 80s music–just like me! But I wouldn’t have known to go looking for someone who likes to make up silly dances (And I’m so glad that I didn’t try).

We had VERY different views on religion in our dating years, and it worried me about getting married. He was raised Jewish but was an atheist. I was raised Methodist and was a devout preacher’s step daughter. But we had one thing going for us–again, a sort of cosmic compatibility–we were both open and respectful of each other. Through the years we have come to the same understanding about religion, that it’s about what’s in your heart and how you use it to treat other people and living things, it’s about gratitude, and understanding that there’s a life force bigger than us at play. Once we found that common ground, the issue became a non-issue.

I think that compatibility might come down to really knowing yourself and who you are, and your partner really knowing himself and who he is. If love grows out of that, I think most of the issues can be smoothed out.

By: Jen

Jen — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 21:22:34 +0000

I hear ya Kathy. Jon and I are about 10% compatible, if I’m being generous. And this is purely based on our love of “The Office” and “Lost”. Jon is a computer nerd.. I am computer illiterate. Jon is quiet and contemplative.. I am loud and have the tendency to talk first, think later. Jon would love to spend every penny we have on a tv, sound system, remote control helicopter (?!?) whereas I now want to live in the trees with the Na’vi.. avatar people. The list really goes on and on and on. But it is our differences that make our lives interesting! I believe that we bring out the best of each other. Yes we bicker and disagree, but at the end of the day, perhaps inexplicably, we love each other. He makes me laugh, makes me a better person and we enjoy life together. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

By: Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 15:14:52 +0000

What about communication skills? As in, both spouses need to find a way of communicating through the not-fun times in their lives. If both spouses retreat & put up their defenses when they’re hurt or scared or angry, that will make marriage harder.

Also, I have always wondered how introverts & extroverts could have happy marriages. I know they do, but it I can’t really fathom how.

My husband and I are very similar. But one interesting difference between us is our senses of humor. When we watch a comedian, we rarely laugh at the same time – and pretty much never laugh at the same thing with the same “intensity” (smile vs. chuckle vs. LOL).

By: Terry

Terry — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 14:56:54 +0000

I think you have presented some good insight on compatibility. (This also effectively destroys that nonsensical notion that cohabitation before marriage is important in determining compatibility.)

With my spouse, I find that more often than not (excluding the “big” things) it is our differences that make our marriage work, and our similarities that cause friction. I don’t know if that’s just us, or whether it’s more universally true.

By: Annalea

Annalea — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 05:46:34 +0000

Kathleen, you’re a wonderfully funny and insightful writer. Thank you for making me laugh out loud tonight!