Well, I finally went over your survey responses. Before anything else, I have to say this: I love you all. I really do. You are so kind and generous and make me feel like a real blogger. My heart got all big and thumpy as I read through your sweet comments. I am so grateful to you for taking time to read my blog and to complete my survey to help me make it better.
Only about half of you actually entered the contest, which I guess is . . . whatever. Maybe not everyone unequivocally loves caffeine and sugar? Anyways, my husband didn’t even know about the contest, so he was a perfect “randomatic” machine for selecting a winner. I just shouted to him in the other room, “Ben, pick a number between one and 17!” and he said, “Um . . . three.” So Hailey, you were #3, so you are the first winner! And then I thought to myself, “#1 never gets randomly selected.” So I decided #1 should be the other winner. And that happened to be Michelle. Hooray! I’ll be emailing you both to get your mailing addresses so you can get those gift cards. Congrats! And thanks to everyone who participated!
I won’t bore you with the details about everything I learned from the surveys. But here are a couple of topics you suggested for future posts and/or series:
- Finances/budgeting (maybe we can make this discussion non-sucky!)
- Marriage preparation (I have lots to say on this topic)
- Handling disagreements
- in-laws, siblings, etc
- affordable date ideas (I will probably need some of your help on this one!)
- why we married so young (again, I have lots to say here)
- analysis of “literary” marriages (Pretty sure I was built for this sort of thing)
Thanks for the ideas! Let me know if you have any more!
I was surprised to find that more than anything you requested more personal stories. I always feel like I’m being self-absorbed when I talk about our marriage, and worry that my stories are boring. We don’t lead very exciting or dramatic lives. But if that’s what you wanna hear . . . I’m all over it! In fact I have a particularly delightful story featuring Q-tips written for my next post. So there’s a little teaser for ya to make you excited about Saturday.
So that takes care of the survey.
I wanted to end today’s post by letting you know what’s been going on with me after Tuesday’s emotional explosion about having no babies. The truth is, I woke up the next day perfectly fine. On Tuesday I thought I was going to die of grief and on Wednesday I was excited about my writing projects and even danced to the All American Rejects a little bit while I washed the dishes. I went to bed on Tuesday with a swollen face from an entire day of weeping and woke up on Wednesday morning thinking, “Hmmm . . . what shall I make myself for breakfast? Porridge? With pecans?”
As anyone struggling with infertility could tell you, you live through it. You spend a day or two or seven grieving, and then one day you wake up OK. At least that’s what happens with me, time and time again. Today, I don’t even remember why I was so sad two days ago. My life is good without children. I still want them, certainly, but today I’m OK without them. I know I will grieve again – maybe tomorrow, maybe next month – but today I’m all right.
I know a lot of it had to do with all your encouraging words, and hearing from others who are going through the same thing. I hear you all, sisters.
I’m also starting to come to terms with the fact that I might not be a mother any time soon. I realized on Tuesday that I’m going to have to. With a cycle as non-conducive to conception as my last one (the first one I actually charted properly), I now understand that it might be a very long time before I become a mother.
Up until now I had been pretty sure that motherhood was going to be the next phase in my life. I just wrapped up being a student in the summer; I fully believed the next thing I was going to be was a mama. I was getting myself all ready for it. But I am now beginning to understand that perhaps there is another, different identity I am going to need to forge instead. I don’t have a name for it and I don’t know what it will look like but it might not include either books or babies. I’m not sure. It absolutely breaks my heart, but I can’t just sit around waiting to be something I can’t actually be right now. I might not be a mother for years. So I’m going to have to figure out who this Kathleen is without the help of either grades or children. I guess that’s exciting.
I have a feeling this blog is going to play some kind of role in my new identity, though. And I thank you all so much for being willing to be a part of it. You have truly blessed me.
Over and out.
photo courtesy of Mrs. Magic.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Congrats to the winners!
Congrats even more to you, Kathleen, for coming to terms with who you (currently) are (and are not), and braving a future of discovering more about yourself!
Oh my goodness! I could have written this:
As anyone struggling with infertility could tell you, you live through it. You spend a day or two or seven grieving, and then one day you wake up OK. At least that’s what happens with me, time and time again. Today, I don’t even remember why I was so sad two days ago. My life is good without children. I still want them, certainly, but today I’m OK without them. I know I will grieve again – maybe tomorrow, maybe next month – but today I’m all right.
Totally understand that. I’ve been there, done that, so many times. The hardest part is, it doesn’t really get any easier.
I didn’t know it was a pity victory! Oh well I’m still excited, LOL.
Regarding conception- Once you’ve charted for a few cycles and still have no luck, take it to your dr. and see if there’s a problem that can be treated (like progesterone for short luteal phase, etc).
And with a kid or without I still haven’t figured out “who I am” so kudos to you for trying