Let’s Talk About Sex: A Giveaway for “A Private Affair”

by Kathleen Quiring on February 6, 2010

Update: this giveaway is now closed. But you can still buy the game!

I want to hear some of your thoughts on sex.

Incidentally, I also have the opportunity to give away an awesome game that encourages couples to talk about sex.

Let me begin by telling you about the game that YOU can WIN! Today!

A Private Affair: The Erotic Game of Secrets, Plans & Promises for Couples

A Private Affair

This is not your typical couple’s sex game at all.

First of all, it was developed by a physician and practicing  marriage and family therapist. If you ask me, that’s a pretty rad starting-point.

Second, this is not a game you play in the bedroom. Rather, it’s card game you play in restaurants, over coffee, while out for a walk, even on the phone. It can be played in so many ways: slowly, over a romantic meal, or a “quickie,” during a five minute drive in the car. It’s a game where you reveal intimate secrets, where you explore new, sometimes steamy plans together, and where you commit to remembering and keeping new promises.

Third, just look at how classy it looks! I would be happy to get caught playing something so classy-looking with my husband in public.

A Private Affair is meant to deepen intimacy between committed lovers, and is consequently a product I am happy to endorse!

Here’s what Dr. Todd Sellick, the game’s creator, has to say:

Couples today face some very interesting challenges which can impoverish their love relationship in so many ways, and on a variety of levels.  One author (I believe it was Sheldon Vanauken in his fabulous book “A Severe Mercy) suggested that unless couples are extremely mindful and diligent in their marriage, they risk suffering a “creeping separateness,” that distorts and tarnishes the life and friendship of marriage.  The sexual part of the relationship very naturally, and reasonably, suffers along with this, so often bruised in this experience of “creeping separateness.”

As well, couples are busy, often frustrated financially, fatigued, and lonely, and so often at a loss as to where to begin in their road back to each other.

This game is meant to help couples get back on that road.

Learn more about this exciting game on its uber-chic website.

And guess what? You can win it, and have it shipped right to you for free!

Here’s How You Can Enter to Win a Free Game of A Private Affair:

1. Leave a comment, answering the question, “What is the biggest misconception you had about sex before you were married?” Alternatively, you could answer the question, “What is a common misconception about sex that you often encounter?” This discussion is part of my goal to dispel the myths around marriage – including sex.

2. You can enter a second time (doubling your chances of winning) by twittering about this giveaway. Either retweet it using the “Sharing is Sexy” tool below, or just be sure to include @kathleenquiring in your tweet so I can see it.

The contest will close Saturday, Feb 13 at 10:00 EST. I will compile a list of entries as they come in and then randomly select one of them. I’ll let you know on Valentine’s Day if you’ve won!

So get to it! Start talking!

Special Note: Even if you don’t win the game, please note that it is on sale during the month of February – down from $34.99 to $29.99. Sounds good to me! Buy it here.

{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Hallie R. February 6, 2010 at 4:31 pm

I thought reaching orgasm would be a walk in the park. When I still couldn’t, six months after marriage, I felt like a total failure. Seeing a sex therapist was the best $300 we ever spent!

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2 adam February 6, 2010 at 7:59 pm

to be perfectly honest it was an issue that blindsided me. Even with our church and parents, everyone being so traditional, sex was never really covered. I thought it just happened naturally.
I now pray daily that someday we’ll actually have a sexual relationship, as of now it’s nonexistent. Not exactly what I would have expected.

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3 Devon February 6, 2010 at 9:56 pm

Hmm, I think for me it was the idea that our sex life would come naturally and easily. So not so. You definitely have to work at it!

Great giveaway! Thanks for letting me enter!

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4 'Meredith' February 7, 2010 at 5:51 am

I thought it would be easier. Not just the act itself but the whole issue. We were both totally up for, had spent so much time desperately wanting it, but saving it for marriage, and then it turned out that it wasn’t a glorious event with blazing firework. Instead it was a part of our marriage that requires lots of hard work (needing prayer, being a constant source of misunderstanding, provoking tears, and requiring outside help). Hmmm… it seems Cosmo never included an article about that.

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5 Sue February 7, 2010 at 9:29 am

Before marriage while you’re dating, everything is so exciting. Sex is on your mind alot because it’s forbidden. After you’re married, you have to make a conscious effort to think about it even once or twice a day. It becomes routine. Much different than I would have imagined.

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6 Christina February 7, 2010 at 12:58 pm

How messy and un-natural sex can be.
We knew this before marriage, but only because we were told by the couple who did our marriage counselling. I still didn’t want to believe it.
You see on TV and in movies all the time how a couple falls into bed together, their clothes come off magically and the next morning they wake up, hair done perfectly, make-up still in place and spooning.
Gosh, how far from the truth that is for us.
I find it so awkward undressing, usually having a leg stuck in my pants, or unable to undo my bra (although it still takes less time doing it myself instead of my husband!). Then after it’s all said and done you can’t just fall asleep in eachother’s arms (we don’t anyway). You have to clean up and suddenly it’s “too hot” for your husband to snuggle.

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7 Adventure-Some Matthew February 7, 2010 at 3:30 pm

I was surprised how “hard” sex can be. Sometimes it’s a struggle to find the time or to have the energy. Often my wife and I are not on the same page, excitement-wise, and one of us ends up unfulfilled. While it’s fantastic when it goes right (that’s not a strong enough word), it can be work to get there.

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8 Matt | Opal Elephant February 7, 2010 at 5:09 pm

One of the biggest misconceptions about sex in marriage is that your responsible to satisfy your partners needs. That you have to sacrifice yourself in order to please them. While it is always a good thing to want to share in your partners sexual interest, by no means should you sacrifice yourself to appease your partner. Instead, really knowing what you want and need to achieve great intimacy and sex, and then sharing that with your partner is a true gift. That is easier said then done for most couples though, but certainly not impossible.

What a great game! It looks very sharp! I might have to get it even if I don’t win.

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9 Lori Lowe February 7, 2010 at 10:58 pm

I think one of the biggest misconceptions is that singles have better sex lives than marrieds. Research shows the opposite is true, although reading some of your commenters one might think otherwise. Yes it takes some time and work to get in synch with one another, but the true intimacy of two people who truly know one another makes it more enjoyable.

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10 Susie February 7, 2010 at 11:01 pm

I thought that I would want to have sex all the time. Instead, I rarely have the drive or energy. I don’t have any other word to describe this than: sad. It’s sad that I can’t fulfill my partner. It’s sad that I can’t even meet the expectations that I had set for myself when I was engaged. It’s just plain sad.

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11 Lucy February 8, 2010 at 9:23 am

I came here from Simple Marriage. So far, I like your blog a lot! I think I was surprised by how much better my relationship is with my husband when we’re having sex regularly. I also discovered that sex can still be enjoyable, even if I didn’t feel like it when we first started. And I found that saying “yes” even when I don’t really feel up to it means that I get a lot more respect when I do say “not tonight.” I was amazed to discover that I have a much lower sex drive than I thought (life and kids will do that to you, I guess), but that one of the gifts I give my husband is being available and willing. Enthusiasm usually follows, but even if it doesn’t, I still get the satisfaction of having pleased my husband, which makes him more willing to please me in other ways (like washing dishes or fixing things).

It looks like a great game!

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12 Meg | Opal Elephant February 8, 2010 at 10:09 am

For me, the biggest misconception has been ORGASM! I love to orgasm, but have discovered that all sex does not have to end with orgasm, and when either partner has that mentality, it can lead to frustrating sexual experiences based on the finish, rather than the journey.

Getting over the “have sex until you orgasm and then you’re done” mentality has been tricky and is something that I’m still exploring, but so far, it has been incredibly rewarding as well, leading to more intimate and experiential sex.

Definitely time to reassess what sex means to you for anyone who, like me, has had this mentality! Its very worth it to do so :)

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13 Molly February 8, 2010 at 11:56 am

How often, because of time, energy, etc., you end up preferring to spend that quality time in other ways.

p.s. I love how many men are sharing their point of view on this!

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14 Jessica February 9, 2010 at 2:45 am

My greatest misconception about sex was that it would be more pleasurable. Although I didn’t save myself for marriage, my husband was my first and it’s taken a lot of hard work and experimentation, not to mention time, to make something i thought would be completely natural to really feel good and make me excited. I suppose I should correct myself and say that my greatest misconception about sex was that it is something natural that doesn’t need so much work.

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15 Jamie February 9, 2010 at 2:03 pm

The biggest misconception for me was that it would always be fun, available, and something both partners would constantly seek… instead, there is fatigue and stress and kids and chores to do…

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16 Anonymous February 11, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Man, sex is a big unknown before you become sexually active. I read so many books about it before marriage and talked to many married friends, and it was still so different than expected. Many of the generalizations made about men, women, and sex did not apply to us at all, which I only found out after we were married. But unlike most comments here, my experience has thus far been better than I had expected. Granted, we do not have children to complicate the matter, but before marriage I was TERRIFIED of sex! I thought it would be painful, a chore I would never desire, and humiliating. We never did talk about sex before we got married without it feeling totally awkward, so I dreaded the night when the actual act would take place. It was still a bit awkward at first, but now we laugh and joke about it, plus can still have serious conversations about what would improve it. Sure it takes more work for it to be pleasurable than I had expected, but at least it is far from horrifying like I had imagined!
I am totally interested in other people’s impressions before sex compared to what they experience…it’s something every sexually active person can contribute to!

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17 Dolli-Mama February 11, 2010 at 2:42 pm

I thought it would be fabulous, movie making stuff. Easy and wonderful, like opening a present every time! :) Um, but that’s not reality…

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18 Sarah February 12, 2010 at 1:41 pm

I would say how much less often you have sex than you think you would before you get married.

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19 Mrs. Levine February 12, 2010 at 6:15 pm

Do you remember when little boys used to make fists and push their finger in and out of it to mean sex? It was a big shock when I found out the hole they were referring to was not my belly button. Honorable mention? Haha.

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20 Darcy B February 12, 2010 at 8:06 pm

Like most of us–I always imagined we would be having sex every night–but with jobs, kids, bills, laundry cooking, shopping, etc at times it got down to once a week–now that the kids are older–we have more time to ourselves–it’s back to 3 or 4 times a week. When I was young sometimes on my lunch break we would have a quickie –and no one was the wiser–now at 43 when we have sex–for some reason my mascara ends up under my eyes and i look like a raccoon –yea now when I’ve had sex–I look like i just had sex!!
kakihararocks@gmail.com

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21 Samantha February 12, 2010 at 10:00 pm

I guess I thought sex would be more like the movies. You get all passionate and kissy and you make love while a breeze softly blows the curtains around. Then when you’re done you collapse together on the bed and snuggle tightly as you fall asleep. In reality it’s there are funny noises, bonks of the head, sharp elbows, and it’s messy, very messy. My husband and I experienced a lot of fart noises between our bodies one of the first few times we had sex and we couldn’t stop giggling. It definitely wasn’t the soft, romantic love making portrayed in movies.

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22 Kathleen Quiring February 12, 2010 at 11:57 pm

Well-said, Samantha. So true!

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23 Kelly Ann T. February 13, 2010 at 11:41 am

I was suprised that I like sex so much more in the morning. At night I cannot fall asleep after sex.

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24 Kelly Ann T. February 13, 2010 at 11:42 am
25 Nycole February 13, 2010 at 8:09 pm

I think my most common misconception was that sex would always be as wild and crazy as at the begining, and it really is not. It’s nice but not nearly as hot and steamy.

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26 Alexandrea M February 13, 2010 at 10:24 pm

A common misconception I often run into surrounding sex – at least with my husband, is that sex is not supposed to be fun. I think it should always be fun, but he is continuously surprised by this. So many things go wrong, you have to be able to laugh, blush, and not take things too seriously I think!

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27 Tricia January 9, 2011 at 10:07 pm

I can’t believe I’m saying this because I thought I was so not the blog-reading type, but I love this blog and I’m hooked. But obviously I’m behind and also trying to catch up before another grueling school semester begins.

The most interesting part of this post to me was all these responses. And I find myself only relating to two of them. I guess I always had faith that sex would be wonderful and it totally didn’t let me down. I knew what was involved and thought I could imagine what it would be like and honestly, I wasn’t that far off. Some parts of sex seemed challenging, but if you knew me, you’d know I’d be smiling at the prospect of a good challenge. And add to that, a challenge I get to face with the coolest person I’ve ever met!

Every person is so different and add to that, every couple is just as unique, providing an endless source of variety. No two are the same.

I loved sex from the honeymoon on and it is still very much my favorite, over two years later. Granted, it’s no longer an everyday (twice a day) occurrence, but it’s only gotten better. I think the thing that did surprise me about sex was that it was pretty much just intimate playtime for big kids with your favorite person on the planet and truly best friend forever. I was not terrified of sex, not worried, didn’t have the slightest hesitation and I wonder if this has thus effected my experiences and attitudes ever since. I can’t explain why, but I had nothing except joyful anxiousness. Sex was awesome from day one. *Virgin Ears (Personal Censorship)* I didn’t reach orgasm the first couple times and their was pain the very first time, but it was gigantically masked by the pleasure of it! Even without orgasm! And my husband loves challenges just as much as I do, so he had a blast waiting and exploring with me until I soon figured out how my body reached it’s peak. It takes more work on my part then I had expected, but so worth it once you figure it out. *Ok, virgin ears can keep reading* I felt so safe with my husband. It was and continues to be pure FUN. Like two kids in a candy shop for the first time in their lives, we were like, “Wow, didn’t you love the triple chocolate explosion?! Let’s get another one!” Or, “Ugh, the chocolate, peanut butter and jelly is totally not a winner!” Truthfully, the newness and initial mind-blowing excitement wears off, but in it’s place grows familiarity and tailor-made love making. My husband nows me and I know him. We know each other well enough, that when the other swears disinterest, it only takes a matter of moments to have them changing their minds. We talk about it, we’re silly enough to laugh about it, both of us offer to do chores just to get some!

So, I guess my point was to share my experience that was and continues to be one of the many enjoyed blessings in my life. A spirit of exploration, humor, service, and trust made it happen, very easily with no work required. I say no work because to me it wasn’t work. Practice? Yes, but not work. And practicing, when it comes to sex with the one and only love of your life, can be a whole lot of fun. Practice makes perfect and we did a lot of practicing. But my husband and I, we don’t live in Stepford. We’re quirky, imperfect, and far from normal. We don’t expect perfection from each other. Maybe the difference is that I have in my possession the book How To Make Sex Awesome for You and Your Spouse. Psych (yes, I just said psych)! Even if that book did exist, it wouldn’t have the answers for everybody. Only you and your spouse can find the answers your looking for and the search is fun, not a chore!

So those who haven’t had the chance yet or are stressing over not being able to figure it out yet, I beg that you chill out, relax, and let it happen. No one is grading you, or at least no one should be. And even if you were getting a grade, you are allowed an endless number of rough drafts. Be a kid in a candy shop, not a college student with your whole life riding on this grade! Enjoy your spouse in and out of the bedroom! Speak up! Enjoy the simple beauty of intimacy! Giving is just as great and I believe often better than receiving. Sex IS natural. Anyone can do it. Memorable and pleasurable love making, on the other hand, is a learning experience. But any attempt at intimacy and sexual service to your spouse given in love and faith, will only add to your marriage.

Ok, like my husband always says, I’ve written way too much. And probably to people who don’t care to hear or may possibly not even agree with what I’ve said, but I’m glad I put it out there all the same. I just couldn’t help myself after reading through some of these posts. But I know some of you totally agree with me. There is far more to sex than simply the “fun” of it, but there is definitely fun to be had. And not dirty fun as the world displays it, but wholesome, fulfilling and pleasurable fun! And I would like to end (finally) with the statement that I know nothing. I don’t have certainty about anything in this world except those things concerning my Savior and his love for me. Beyond that, nothing is for sure. But for the moment and regarding this subject, these are my thoughts.

**If there are any typos or sickening grammatical errors, forgive me. I’m tired and don’t feel like proof-reading and I probably would miss most of them anyhow.

I commend anyone that is actually still reading this never-ending response! You’re a trooper!

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28 Michele November 6, 2011 at 1:19 pm

For me, I was terrified of sex but was surprised with how wonderful it was and still is – over 7 years later. I wish I hadnt been so scared because it really made things a bit more difficult the first time since I wasn’t able to relax and get aroused. The other thing that surprised me was that the “pain” of the first time wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but I still had some light stinging each time for a couple weeks after the first time. Like the commenter above me said though, the fun and pleasure far outweighed the slight bits of pain.

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