I’m continuing my defense of early marriage by tackling objection #2: immaturity.
A lot of people believe that anyone under 25 will be too immature to make such a profound and lasting commitment as marriage, and will be psychologically unprepared for the responsibilities of being married.
Of course this is true for many young people. Lots of college-aged adults are irresponsible, confused, and ill-prepared for married life.
The thing is, so are lots of 30-year-olds.
Adults Don’t Have a Much Better Track Record
As I’ve made it clear, I think that many young people should feel free to marry in their early twenties. It’s not that I’ve found young people to be exceptionally smart and capable as much as that I’ve found older adults to be pretty much just as inept and unwise.
The thing that I’ve come to notice as I’ve entered into adulthood is how childish, petty and insecure many adults still are. Things that I thought we were supposed to outgrow when we graduated high school still show themselves in adults everywhere: cattiness, small-mindedness, and a profound anxiety about popularity and acceptance. Adults are still bewildered, self-conscious, guarded, and selfish. Most of us are really just glorified teenagers with less acne and better-paying jobs. In truth, I know 19-year olds who are more responsible and emotionally mature than some 30-year-olds.
And it’s not just other adults. It’s me, too. I don’t think I’m much more capable of making wise choices now at twenty-four than I was seven years ago when I fell in love with Ben. I’m just as prone to foolishness – to making rash decisions based on momentary passions, to ignoring wise counsel, to being impatient or reckless – as I was back then. And most people my age (and older) seem to be the same.
I’m still a frightened, confused little girl trying to make sense of the world and myself. But I’m living out my life alongside an equally scared and confused man, and we’re happy to have each other through it all.
Essentially, I’ve found that numbers mean very little when it comes to maturity.
We Can Be Taught to Do Better
Of course, it’s true that fewer years of life means less valuable life experience under our belts. And of course, it’s true that my generation has generally not been “trained” to be married at an early age (thanks for the term, Molly). But, to borrow once again from Mark Regnerus, I don’t think that means young people are “inherently incompetent at marriage.” With a bit of proper training, many young people could be fully capable of making life commitments and carrying them out.
Unfortunately I don’t think Gen X-ers (the ones who failed to train us early) have enough faith in us Gen Y-ers. They don’t trust that we’re capable enough, wise enough, or selfless enough to do what they couldn’t do – hold down a marriage. So they counsel us to wait.
It doesn’t have to be like that.
Again, in my Mennonite community, young people are treated like adults and expected to take on responsibilities at an early age. I helped care for my four younger siblings and prepare meals throughout my childhood. I started working on the fields and in the orchards during my summer breaks at the age of ten. I was expected to contribute 75% of my income to my family until I was 19, at which point I began paying room and board on top of paying for my own tuition, books, clothes, car, gas and insurance. This is not uncommon in my community, except for the part where I went to school. (Hence, my eighteen married friends who all walked down the aisle before their 25th birthdays).
By the time I was twenty my parents considered me an adult, fully capable of living on my own and making my own decision about whom to marry. I appreciate the amount of respect they had for me. Sadly, not all parents feel this confident about their children.
Not everyone has been trained to be married at such a young age and I respect that. But I personally believe that as a society we ought to
a) Give young people more credit than we do,
b) Give young people the tools and skills to marry at an earlier age, and
c) Raise our expectations. Young people can do better.
I truly think we should demand more from our young people in terms of maturity. We expect teenagers to be irresponsible, lazy, and troubled. And so they are. We expect college students to be unreliable, flighty, and uncommitted. And so they are. But I personally think that if 23-year-olds could handle marriage two generations ago, by golly, they should be able to do it now. If we expected more from young people, I think more of them would grow up like they’re meant to.
I’m Confused
This is what confuses me: we don’t balk when we hear about an 18-year-old choosing her own college and moving out of the house. We’re not at all surprised to hear that that same 18-year-old is having sex with her boyfriend and moving in with him two years later. So obviously it’s not that we think young people can’t live on their own or handle sex responsibly. And yet we think that same 18-year-old isn’t old enough to think about making her relationship to said boyfriend a permanent arrangement. What’s the deal?
Why does making a life commitment require so much more maturity?
Marriage is a commitment, a promise to stay with someone for the rest of your life. Some people are ready to make that promise at an early age. And from my experience, you learn best about how to live out that promise as you go.
Advantages to Immaturity
In some ways, I think a little bit of naiveté and inexperience can be an asset in a marriage. It gives the couple a chance to grow together, to learn together, to build habits and form their identities together. I sometimes think that Ben and I are so compatible because we’ve grown into our identities together.
Please note: I am not saying everyone should get married at an early age. Far from it. Plenty of folks are not ready before they’re 25. But some are. And I think we should encourage and celebrate with those who are.
What do you think? Am I nuts? Is it irresponsible to encourage young people to marry early? Are most people too emotionally immature to get married before their late 20′s? What characteristics do you think show that a person is mature enough for marriage?
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
“Gen X-ers (the ones who failed to train us early)”
and us Gen X-ers would say it’s the BabyBoomers. ;^)
“I truly think we should demand more from our young people in terms of maturity. ”
Ditto and Amen!
I guess my use of “Gen X” might be a little sketchy since my parents were born during the transition between “The Baby Boom” and “Generation X.” I’m not quite sure where to place them so I fluctuate between the two terms. *chagrin*
I married at 24, a year following college. I’m not sure I consider that super early, especially since I met my husband at 19. My mother definitely wanted me to get my degree before marrying, since her marriage derailed her education. Your arguments are sound in an ideal world for those who are ready. I agree that young people are not being trained to marry at a young age. Exactly the oppositive is true, in fact, when many grow up in broken homes that model what NOT to do to live in harmony. It may actually take a few years out of the home to “unlearn” some negative modeling and the fear of commitment that often results.
I also agree that often waiting too long means individuals can get more stuck in their ways and less flexible, which is detrimental to building a life with someone else. I feel like I grew into adulthood with my husband, and we continue to grow and learn together.
I look forward to the rest of your arguments, and enjoyed the article to which you referred.
Ooh you mentioned me =)
To help clarify what I originally meant by “training” is that women and men of lets say my grandmothers generation were trained (perhaps like Kathleen’s Mennonite community) to take on responsibilities in home and work sooner than my generation is typically trained to do so. In my experience, 18 is when many American girls are considered ready to start learning things like budgeting, meal planning, etc. rather than my grandmother would have considered having a complete “education” in these matters by the time she was 18. Let’s face it, many of us of our generation (current 20-something year olds) have it pretty easy in our teens in terms of responsibility compared to those a couple generations ago. In fact I would go so far to say that the technology boom of the last 50 years or so has allowed us to take on a lot of responsibility at a later point in life.
I myself, who married at the median age of 25, did not have all the skills I have now to help manage my home (and I’m not a homemaker either) or all my relationship “skills” before the age of 21. However I have friends who, having marriage and babies particularly, as a firm goal in their lives were ready for marriage before me.
I think I’d defferentiate between maturity (which your right eve adults aren’t always mature, I know I’m not 100% of the time) and having a clear out look on what marriage is. Many people under the age of 21 might not have a clear understanding of the responsibility that marriage takes, perhaps some of that is because of our culture I can’t say for certain. I know too many college freshman or high school seniors that are still under a delusion that getting married automatically solves all of lifes problems. Those people might be mature, but might have un-realistic expectations of what marriage really is. So I would say, that it’s not that we don’t thinking a 20 year can be mature, but rather we doubt if that 20 year old has a clear picture of what marriage really is.
I agree that there’s a difference between maturity and knowing what marriage really is. In fact, that’s another topic that I want to address in a later post! Thanks for pointing it out here, though, and bringing attention to the fact that they’re distinct.
p.s. and since I mentor high school students getting ready for college I’d like to point out that many of the students that I work with (from all spectrums) do not have a clear idea of what college, moving out, etc. entails. Many still seem to believe that money grows on trees or at least on credit cards, or that college is mainly a place to party and most of them are completely lost when it comes to starting to think about career and life goals at 18 (I’d say about 25% clearly see what they want from their lives). And just because you get into and go to college, doesn’t mean you’re ready to accept that responsibility in your life either (I’ve known quite a handful of people who’ve gotten to college only to be completely overwhelmed, dropped out, etc. because the reality of post high-school life was, well, overwhelming)
I agree with Molly — a lot of young people have no concept of what college life really looks like and what all of those responsibilities entail. I think the same goes for marriage or moving in with a partner. When I was having a drink with a few girls from my program this past summer, I explained how I intended to move to Florida and live with my co-conspirator. One of the girls exclaimed how I was “so lucky” and it sort of perplexed me. Of course I’m lucky — it’s great to be able to share your life with someone else. But living together or, I imagine, marriage, is so much more than a 24-hour party. It means splitting responsibilities, open communication, compromising, budgeting, etc., etc. That can be hard work, too.
I agree that we need to raise expectations, in many respects! Expecting the worst out of people is often a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Also, another blogger has written several posts on young marriage, so I thought maybe you’d be interested in reading them: http://unorthodoxmarriage.blogspot.com/
Cool, thanks for the link! I can’t believe that when I started this blog I thought I was being original. Man: far from it!
Thanks Kathleen for stopping by, and thank you Elizabeth for sharing my my blog! I also felt very original when I first started my blog. During my engagement I found tons of blogs about wedding planning or parenting, but none about marriage. I was under the impression that there just weren’t any blogs about marriage, much less any that would possibly agree with my crazy opinions. I thought finding readers would be a real struggle, and I first began writing primarily as a means of venting anonymously. Fortunately, I was pleasantly surprised when acquired some very supportive readers! Now I am starting to believe that there are a lot more people who agree with us than let on. They just keep quiet about it; they don’t want to be the one to say it first.
I am very glad that I found your blog, and I am looking forward to the continuing of this series.
I certainly agree that it is possible to marry at a relatively young age (my wife was 19 when we married) and do so successfully (at least thus far). She is considered mature for her age, which means that she’s responsible for herself and her decisions. Does she know everything about life, people, relationships, etc? No. Neither do I. We’re learning as we go, and learning more together than we ever would separately.
I think you’re dead-on about today’s youth not learning life skills. Far too many people know nothing about basic money management (we’ll have to send them to your recent posts
), planning, time management, how to provide for themselves, etc.
I had the pleasure of spending a few days with my mom this week and told her about your series and she thought the idea of supporting young married children as we would support our young unmarried children was brilliant and thought provoking.
In response to this post, I agree that I had hoped to grow into adulthood with my young husband so we would become truly complementary beings, but it didn’t work. I misjudged his capability. I was and am mature for my age. I was very ready to dig into adulthood with both hands and my teeth.
I believe children should start being treated like adults around 16 and even though my mom taught us tons and tons about running households and budgeting and I was a very responsible teenager and high school student, college blind sided me. I didn’t go even remotely where I had hoped to go academically, even though I knew how to run a household blindfolded and manage even the tiniest budget (if my husband would have Let me..).
The combination of full time school, full time employment and brand new marriage was crippling. We never made it out of survival mode. For 8 years. I know I chose the wrong husband, but I still would never recommend that equation. Each facet was undermined by the other facets. No one aspect could get enough attention from us.
I would have loved some kind of support system for young married couples – specifically, someone who would actually stand up to my husband and telling him was messing up and second, financial support so I didn’t have to work and could concentrate on the education I really wanted to have.
Newlywed and Unemployed – it’s good to hear that a mom out there actually thinks this is an idea worth thinking about! Thanks for sharing! My mom actually (surprisingly) agreed, even though my parents never supported us financially (before or after marriage).
I can see why those first years felt crippling to you. Work, school and marriage all at the same time is too much. I completely sympathize with that. Thanks for your honesty and openness.
I completely agree. I think it’s up to parents to prepare children for “life” and the problem with many of my acquaintances is that they pamper children well into their twenties, if not thirties, and then they’re simply not emotionally mature enough to commit to anyone (or if they do, they look for a parental substitute).
On the other hand I have friends who are in their teens and they are more responsible because their parents pushed them out of the nest early in life and they’re not hand-fed with silver spoons.
I completely agree with you. Upon “entering the real world”, I too have been surprised to see how how many adults continue to act childish. We all really aren’t that different from children although we often think we are. I also think it is silly that we expect so much from young adults like getting an education, living on your own, and figuring what to do with the rest of your like, but many people freak out when marriage is suggested at a young age. Lastly, I love how you point out how young couples have the advantage of being able to grow together. That is so true!