I’m worried.
I’m worried that with all this “Defense of Early Marriage” stuff, I’ve fallen into the “you-should-be-more-like-us-because-we’re-awesome” pattern of writing. I’ve included pictures of us doing rad stuff and talked about how great all of our friends are doing, and I worry that I’m getting show-offy.
I hate those books and blogs that are all about why the authors are so happy and successful and why we should try to be more like them. They always come across as arrogant and narrow-minded to me. Ben and I got a book like that as a wedding gift and we couldn’t get past the fourth chapter. It was just so annoying to keep reading about how hip and cool the authors were and how we should try to be more like them.
And I’m starting to worry that my blog is shaping up to be like that too. I’m not sure.
Regardless, I thought it might be healthy to remind myself (and you guys) that we’re not exactly knocking the socks of the universe or anything. We haven’t exactly reached the pinnacle of marital ecstasy and achievement. I totally don’t have all the answers. For instance:
We’re both still depressed, like, 60% of the time.
Last night we argued over whose job sucked more, and got annoyed at the other for claiming superior suckiness. Talk about childish.
“Well at least you don’t have to work with people!” (Him to me). “Well at least you can move around when you work! I have to sit my butt in a chair for nine hours out of the day!” (Me to him). (Followed by silent glares).
Lately, our communication consists of little more than sighs, eye-rolling and shrugs.
Last night in bed when he sighed, I asked him what was on his mind. He answered, “Nothing that you would find interesting.” So I shrugged, rolled over in bed and went to sleep.
Classy.
We’re not exactly kicking butt financially these days, either. Every time we log onto our online bank account we look at each other wide-eyed and say, “What the frig are we gonna do?”
In short, we’re going through a sucky patch.
Guys, Ben and I are not all that mature or disciplined or successful or loving. We don’t really know what we’re doing. We’re making this up as we go.
But I try not to let it get me down because I’m pretty sure this is normal and that we can look forward to better days again in the future. I’m hoping maybe spring will bring with it some hope and happiness. For now, we just walk around like zombies and try to keep from moaning and grunting all the time, and wait for things to perk up.
Stuff is always changing, though. Sometimes we click and other times we can’t stand each other. Sometimes we feel awesome about our money situation and sometimes we feel like we’re floundering. I know that we’ve hit sucky patches before and that we’ll hit them again in the future, but there’s gotta be some good stuff in store for us, too.
The one thing that never changes, though, is our feelings of peace about getting married. We’re always glad we got married. Even when we’re glowering at each other in the mirror as we brush our teeth or fighting over the computer, we know we’re happier married than not.
And so I don’t know if you want to be like us. Maybe you could do better. But I totally don’t regret marrying young and I totally believe in it; I just don’t want you to think that I only want you to be more like me. I know I’m not that great.
Peace out, and have a better weekend than Ben and I are likely to have. I’ll be back to my “Defense of Early Marriage” next week.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
Refreshingly honest post, Kathleen. Thanks.
Amen, Sister. Anyone who claims they have “it” (life, marriage) figured out can’t really be trusted IMO. But we didn’t really think you were bragging when Ben picked a blob out of your ear. The important thing to note is that even when you’re having a sucky phase–especially when you have a sucky phase–your commitment is still strong.
“But I try not to let it get me down because I’m pretty sure this is normal and that we can look forward to better days again in the future.”
Yes, this. It took me quite a while to recognize that those rough, awkward phases are where there’s the chance to grow enormously as a person and wife. Almost 15 years later, we still keep going because we’re better together than apart even during the rough patches. Your marriage doesn’t have to be perfect for you two to be ‘perfect for each other’.
Needed to read this today–I thank you for your honesty.
I don’t remember where it was, but I recently read that couples are only really clicking about 30% of the time. That means 70% of the time, one or both people are feeling “off”! The trick, as I remember it, was to keep on keeping on. Realizing that it’s not always going to be perfect, and that it takes work.
I say that I have a great marriage. Not because we’re perfect all the time, or because everything works out, or even because we always get along. I say it’s great because my life is better when I share it with my wife. My life is better because my wife is part of it. We’re devoted to each other, to staying together, no matter what. In less than two years, we’re closer than before we were married, we’re a better couple. And we know it’ll get better as time goes on.
Don’t worry, we know you’re human. So you’re not perfect. I also know that I can learn from you: things to try, things to avoid. It’s also nice to just connect with someone else who’s going through life, who will share their experiences.
Thanks for being you, for sharing.
Kathleen, I admire and respect your honesty and to do so in a public forum — personally, those are the only type of blogs I follow.
This helps me too, because I don’t 100% agree with the early marriage theory but I am very interested in where this topic leads, and who knows it might change my mind on some aspects.
-mike
I also respect and admire your honesty. Props for such a transparent post!
I love this post Kathleen! I can really identify with it in so many ways! Thanks for being honest.
I still think you’re totally awesome. Sorry. And that picture is still awesome. You ooze it. Haha.
I hate that feeling of not being on the same page on things, though. It is not awesome, and I haven’t been married long enough to figure out how you jump off of that path and back onto the right one. Eventually you just go back to normal, naturally, without realizing it, right? Well, actually, when you and Ben go back to being on the same page, please blog about how it came about so I’ll know what works. Then during my next slump when I’m wanting to spit toothpaste on my husband’s head as he bends over the sink to spit first, I’ll know how to re-think that situation.
honey you think too much – that can be a good and bad thing. COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE – LISTEN LISTEN AND LISTEN – LOVE LOVE AND LOVE
PS Definately no guarantees – DO IT YOUR WAY …. as long as it is love and YOU AT THE END OF THE DAY LOVE YOURSELF —- that can be the hardest part, everyone has there EXCUSE ME moments, make sure you are heard, whisper that is probably scarier and believe in yourself
This post made me smile.
LIke you, sometimes when I try to write about something that I you know, feel strongly about I end up sounding like an arrogant B****. Thank God for editing. But hey, we’re all like that and I say sharing honestly about that, about all of that, the good the bad the beautiful and the ugly is what the world truly needs more of. Your marriage sounds a lot like mine. But I think we’re still awesome nonetheless. In our way quirky way. Cheers!
Regardless of whether or not you married young, I loved this post. Thank you for being honest about your relationship – the highs and the lows. It’s so refreshing.
My husband and I married (rather) young too and we’ve been married for less than 2 years so I read this post and I felt such empathy for you. We fight a lot, we bicker “like married people” (as our friends tell us), and especially when we’re stressed about finances we’re not happy with each other. Last night my husband started a fight over the sink –’ and then he slammed the door and went to bed and his bad mood continued all the way till this afternoon. My mom thinks we act like children and is mostly amused by our behaviour but I think that being in a serious relationship at a young age means that you “grow” together and you have these ridiculous fights and adolescent behavior that you’ll eventually grow out of. Whereas if you don’t shack up till later in life you missed out on all of those and they become memories of being with someone else, or worse yet; maybe they never grow out of them.
I totally get what you’re saying, Kathleen. Though we love each other dearly and we have so much fun together, my husband and I also go through those times where it seems like we just aren’t clicking. At first it really bothered us, but eventually we started to understand that, hey, it’s a part of marriage. I mean, we don’t like it – it doesn’t feel good to not be on the same page – but we just realized that those times will come and go. But, just like you, we have never once regretted getting married young. We love being able to grow together and share all our life experiences with one another. We cherish this time in our lives, disagreements, grumpiness, dumb fights and all.
I don’t think an awesome marriage is one that never has these moments. An awesome marriage is one where you recognize that these phases are normal, they will pass, and you keep putting in the effort. I know I had hard time realizing that we would have “off” days, and it still makes me a little sad when we do because I wonder What happened to us? But I know better now that we’ll bounce back and I’ll forget what I was so worried or sad about!
You know what’s funny? Dear Hubby and I specialize in helping couples reconcile after affairs, right? And I frequently feel like “Who are WE to act like we’re experts or like our marriage is so great?” I mean, I adore Dear Hubby and we get along like peas and carrots, but we are *far* from perfect and certain not an ideal that people could look up to!
But I think the fact that we admit out loud in public that “we aren’t perfect and here’s how we deal with it” is in and of itself … helpful. I think other people can see then that marriage isn’t all happiness and blissful love–but the underlying affection and commitment and respect can remain.
Wow, Cindy Affaircare really are the “IDEAL” couple, honest, communicate, listen, admit they’re not on the same page etc etc – communication is the key. I think just putting it out their and sharing experiences as a couple is fantastic. It’s probably more when you are sitting at the computer night after night trying to deal with it all and your hubby is in bed that maybe it’s time for a new tactic.