Comments on: Compatibility, Chemistry and Marriage: What Do you Think?

By: Sarah

Sarah — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 22:56:09 +0000

Thanks for the shout-out, Kathleen
I like the thought of chemistry being organic.
For me, good relationships are made of a sequence of choices. I don’t know whether I believe that people are just “meant to be”; if a couple divorces or a relationship doesn’t work out, does that mean that each individual just picked the wrong person? It’s dangerous to entertain a conviction that suggests communication, effort and commitment are secondary or all together unimportant to the success of a relationship.

By: Jessica

Jessica — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 18:11:45 +0000

I agree that Chemistry is immediate and I think a lot of research has been done on it so even Chemistry (dot) com has a lot of information regarding chemistry that’s legit.

My definition of Compatibility is different though. I don’t think of it so much as similar interests (that’s for friendship, and not everyone wants or needs to date a friend) as having complementary personalities.

By: Holly

Holly — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 17:12:09 +0000

Scott – you said ‘chemistry is either there or not and I don’t think you have any control over it’.

I agree to some extent, however I do think you can work to make the conditions right in order to foster it. For instance, if you are fighting a lot, or have drifted apart, you may not feel any chemistry. But if you work at the relationship and talk about your issues, you may find that chemistry returning.

I also think chemistry comes and goes over the course of a relationship. It’s obviously there at the beginning, and you’re right, I think that initial chemistry isn’t something you can force…it’s either there or it’s not. But further on in a marriage, you sometimes have to make the choice to work at chemistry.

By: Scott

Scott — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:05:44 +0000

Shannon – your comment jogged another thought loose in my head. Compatibility is something you can work at to improve or enhance over time, with compromise, understanding and maturity. Chemistry is either there or not and I don’t think you have any control over it. Like you said. It’s organic.

By: Holly

Holly — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 03:24:15 +0000

Shannon – I like that: “Chemistry is organic…”. Nice way of putting it!

By: Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife

Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 02:33:45 +0000

I believe that compatibility and chemistry are two completely different things. There have been many people in my life that I was compatible with, but we shared no chemistry or vice versa.

I believe compatibility can be created but chemistry is organic. Chemistry is something that can change, grow or diminish over time, but it still is born from an organic place.

Interesting points made in this post and I loved reading all the comments.

I completely agree with Scott in that compatibility doesn’t always mean sameness, compatibility is working together, whether that means mirroring each other, or balancing each other out.

Amanda makes a great point that irregardless of compatibility or chemistry, “good match” is simply enough love and care for another person that you are willing to always work at the relationship.

By: Kathleen Quiring

Kathleen Quiring — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 23:52:36 +0000

“Compatibility doesn’t always mean sameness” – good point!

By: Scott

Scott — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 23:24:12 +0000

For me chemistry is just one of the many aspects of compatibility. I don’t know if I buy the “29 dimensions of compatibility” advertised by e-harmony, but it do believe that compatibility has a bunch of facets, of which chemistry is one, and not one that I would rate the highest in terms of importance. Some of the things mentioned by Sarah are more important for sustaining a relationship in the long term, like common values and priorities, personalities that mesh, complimentary communication styles, etc.

In my marriage we’ve discovered that compatibility doesn’t always mean sameness. In some things it’s good that my wife and I are opposites and can compliment each other, filling in for each other’s weaknesses. In other things, such as values and spiritual life, it’s critical to have like-mindedness.

I can’t say I really understand what constitutes this thing we call chemistry. I think it’s part physiological, part attraction, part spiritual. I suppose there is some actual brain chemistry involved too. All I can say is that I’m glad my wife and I have it, and I’m simply amazed that it hasn’t faded after 27 years!

By: Kathleen Quiring

Kathleen Quiring — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 22:17:15 +0000

Amanda, I think you and I are on the same page here. One of my concerns with this whole issue of chemistry and compatibility is that people will obsess over the issue, worrying constantly that they are not “compatible” enough to marry the person they’re with or stay with the person they’re married to. While I find this discussion intriguing, and understand that it’s valuable to be compatible in certain respects, I still think it’s important to emphasize that a good relationship has more to do with choices you make than the personalities you’re born with.

To answer your question, I’m not completely convinced that there is some “Mr. or Mrs. Right” for every person, but rather than we make relationships work by choice, just as you suggest. Thanks for your thoughts!

By: Amanda

Amanda — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 21:53:53 +0000

I completely agree with Sarah’s definition as well. Chemistry is that first ‘spark’, something that attracts you to another person. You can have chemistry with many people, and chemistry alone won’t make a marriage successful. I’d say that the amount of chemistry has little to nothing to do with the success of a marriage.

Compatibility is more important to contributing to a successful marriage, but I don’t think you absolutely have to have good compatibility with your partner in order to have a successful marriage. Compatibility, I would agree with Sarah on this as well, has to do with similar values and goals. It may also have to do with how you and your partner’s personalities interact with one another. Extremely compatible partners find it very easy to get along with one another and have similar ways of thinking about things. However, even if a couple is not very compatible, it does not mean the marriage will not work. A couple could hardly ever see eye-to-eye, always interpret what the other is saying in a different way than intended, yet still have a successful marriage.

I think a “good match” is simply enough love and care for another person that you are willing to always work at the relationship, no matter what obstacles may come; and that your partner is equally as committed to the relationship as you are.

Reading your previous post had me thinking about something I read on a different blog about ‘choosing’ whom to love. I was wondering if you thought there is that “one special person” for someone, or if it really is just a choice.