For the last few weeks I have been defending early marriage. Part of my argument for why we ought to consider marrying younger had to do with saving sex for marriage: I believe that sex should stay within marriage, but that it’s unreasonable to expect people to wait until their late twenties — the age at which North Americans generally get hitched — to have sex. Thus, people should consider getting married younger.
The natural — and perfectly reasonable — objection that many readers have to this idea is that it will encourage young people to rush unprepared into marriage just so they can enjoy guilt-free sex.
Obviously, this is a legitimate concern. I absolutely agree that sex alone is a terrible reason to get married. I am certain that countless couples have found themselves in bad marriages just because they wanted sex and thought marriage was the only way to get it. So I don’t want anyone to think that marriage alone solves the sex problem, and I would never counsel a young couple to make their vows just so they can finally get into bed together.
Indeed, couples should never rush into marriage, for any reason. They should take very serious time to think about the decision to make life vows. They should be certain that they are ready to stake their lives on this relationship and that the other person is, too.
But I do have one thing to say:
Our sex drive does have some merit, and we should listen to what it has to say.
I believe that sex was all God’s idea and he just loves it. He thinks sex is the bomb. He loves seeing committed couples copulate (whew! — alliteration) and he gave us sex drives for a reason.
I think God invented the human sex drive in part to encourage us to get married.
Sex drive is powerful for a reason, I think. God wanted us to feel — in a very powerful way — the weighty significance of sexual relationships. He probably knew that we would need some nudging in the direction of marriage. We might be more reluctant to ever get hitched — to make that enormous, sacrificial commitment — without a little prodding from our eager nether-regions.
And our sex drives tell us something important: that we’re designed for sex and making babies! And we’re designed to do it when we’re young. When we’re healthy, virile, energetic and . . . elastic. Metaphorically and literally speaking.
I’m not saying that we can’t have babies when we’re older. Lots of fabulous families start (or keep growing) when the parents are in their thirties or even forties. But for the most part, it’s clear that our bodies were meant for early childbearing. There’s a reason that we’re most fertile (and interested in sex) in our early adulthood. That’s when we’re supposed to produce offspring!
God made our bodies this way. Or, if you don’t believe in God, you could say that Nature made us this way. Why should we fight it? Why should we wait until our late twenties to get married and our thirties to have children? (I have responded to some of the oft-cited reasons already)
Our society has all kinds of horrible ways of talking about our primordial interest in sex. They use words like “horny” and “randy.” They wrinkle their noses and ask questions like, “Should a couple really get married just to satisfy their randiness?” To me, this is an ugly way of asking, “Is our sex drive really a legitimate indicator that we ought to enter into a committed relationship?” And my answer to that question is “Yes! . . . At least, that’s part of it.”
Sex alone is not a good enough reason to get married. Of course. But a desire for sex with a particular person, when coupled with a desire for lifelong intimacy with that person, and a willingness to sacrifice everything to that person is a good reason to get married.
Of course, we have to be careful, when considering marriage, to be sure that our sex drive is not fooling us into thinking we are ready for the whole package deal when we’re not. Sex can play tricks on our minds if we’re not careful. Or it can blow past all logical thinking completely and get us to do all kinds of things we regret later if we don’t treat it with enormous caution. We have to be thoughtful and honest and make sure that sex is not the only — or even prime — motivator for getting married. And this is going to be extremely difficult to discern.
But desire for sex is not a completely meaningless component, either. I don’t think we should treat our sex drive as entirely irrelevant. It says something important, as long as we don’t allow it to drown out everything else in the mean time.
So if you’re dying to have sex with your beloved, and you truly feel that you could sacrifice everything for him or her, and that he or she would be willing to do the same for you; and if you think your partner would make a good parent and a good, lifelong friend to you . . . what’s stopping you? Why not consider marriage?
How do you feel about this? Do you think I esteem sex too highly? Do you think there are dangers to this way of thinking? Or is it important? What do you think?
Photo courtesy of Suzanne Clayton.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I guess what you are saying is that since in your mind sex should only be ‘in marriage’, but we have a sex drive at a young age, that we should be marrying earlier in life then later.
My personal view is that if you do meet the person you can see spending the rest of your life with, you are 20ish and you know for certain, then absolutely. I have not met many people that age that actually are that confident and know themselves that well. They are often still in school, still learning what they like and don’t. Still ‘experimenting’ with dating and meeting people. Most of them would be entering university, maybe just out of it. I have met a few people that are / were that confident at that age, but I don’t think it is the norm.
I also am not so convinced that sex should be ‘just within marriage’. Do you expect someone who was married for say 6 years and now divorced to stop having sex till they meet ‘Mr. or Mrs. Right’. — again sounds good in theory, yet I know people that are divorced and none of them have stopped having sex. Sure they might have stopped for a while, but eventually it starts again and they are not married.
I like this discussion, I am just trying to assess how realistic it really is I guess.
-mike.
I appreciate your thoughts and your openness to discuss new ideas, Michael! And I understand what you’re saying, too. Yes, it’s true that not a lot of young people are confident enough in themselves to marry at such a young age, and that’s OK. No one should feel pressure to get married. But I would also like to help young people be more confident.
I know that a lot of the ideals I am suggesting are things that most people would consider “unrealistic.” Many people would say, for example, that it’s unrealistic to expect couples to wait to have sex until they’re married. Yet my husband and I, along with eighteen of my close friends, were all able to do it. It is possible if you believe strongly enough in it. I understand, though, that most people don’t, and I have to be understanding and open towards those who don’t.
I was raised to believe that sex should only happen within marriage and decided during my late teens that it wasn’t realistic in the modern world where we have longer life spans, meaning our marriages last longer for better or for worse so it’s more important to find the right person than battle sexual urges. I do still strongly believe that a person’s sexual life is a personal choice and should be respected, but I have to say that I kind of felt a little guilty when I met my husband and hadn’t waited. I guess I just thought that I wouldn’t get married until my late twenties or early thirties, which didn’t end up being the case.
On the flip side, not having those strong beliefs about sex being saved for marriage, I also feel a little embarrassed that I didn’t have more sexual partners. I guess I probably split the difference and for me that’s probably about right.
This has been a really good series of posts! Great for discussion points. I saw this one on one of your Tweets and had to switch over to your blog to read.
Hi Kathleen.
It is great that you are open and understanding — many people are not.
Not to bring back memories of “Chemistry and Compatibility”, but I guess the question that pops into my head is if you wait to have ‘sex’ until marriage, what does that mean? Does that mean just intercourse or what exactly?
I ask because of a story with a friend of mine. In her eyes, she was a virgin when she was married. To many others, that was not the case. In the case of your 18 friends I would be surprised if the definition of ‘sex’ isn’t different amongst them — I see that quite often, which makes me think some of this is subjective. Just a thought.
-mike.
Kathleen,
Thanks for this great post! I will say I wasn’t a virgin when I got married, however I do believe that sex should only be shared in an exclusive committed relationship.
I can completely commiserate with Mrs. Levine, when I got married I too kind of felt a little sad when I met my husband, that I hadn’t waited. I also feel a little wistful that I didn’t have more sexual partners prior to marriage.
I believe it comes down to whatever works for you, there are positives and negatives to both perspectives and thanks for sharing yours.
Shannon and Mrs. Levine — thanks for being so very kind and open-minded towards my (decidedly old-fashioned) perspective. I always feel a little nervous posting things like this, worrying that people who have different views will think I am judging them for not being as “pious” as me. I have a terrible fear of being (or seeming) self-righteous. I’m so glad that both of you mentioned ways that you see my side even though you don’t have similar personal convictions. Thanks for being willing to participate in the discussion!
Your responses are in blue now! Very cool. I like all the new tweaks you’ve been making recently to the site. But more on topic, you don’t ever sound self-righteous because your posts are written out of a sense of open-mindedness and curiosity about the world. In my old married life, I’d forgotten all about virginity almost entirely as it pertains to getting married and it’s great to re-think these things at all stages of life.
Micheal — you’re right, sex is hard to define and rather subjective. So I would agree — different people would have different ways of determining what falls under the category of sex. Amongst my group of married friends, we do talk very openly (and frequently!) about sex, and I’m quite certain that we all basically agree on the definition of sex. I have a pretty good idea of what they did and didn’t do before marriage. Many others, however, would have different definitions, and I think every individual would have to decide for him or herself what constitutes appropriate behaviour outside of marriage. Definitely something worth thinking/talking about.
I was a virgin before my first husband. And my second husband is the only other person I’ve had sex with. That said, I didn’t want until marriage for either of them, though I was raised with that belief.
I respect the idea and I understand that it’s supposed to be part of the incentive of getting married young. When you’re hungry for sex and you believe it can only be had in marriage, you’re certainly going to be on the prowl for a spouse not casual partners. But I also don’t think it’s realistic in this day and age and being a virgin did not save my first marriage.
Having been raised in a rather strict religion, I think you’re spot on, though, that sex is a huge motivator for young why their children would choose to get married so young. However, outside of such religions, I don’t think this is a mighty phenomenon since society’s pretty lenient about pre-marital sex these days.
Like Shannon O, I do believe sex is only for committed relationships and I agree with you that I think God thinks sex is brilliant and that he’s all for it – shared in love and respect.
Hey Kathleen,
Just wanted to say I share your “old-fashioned” values about saving sex for marriage, and I think people would be surprised to know how many people do. I waited until I married my husband (when I was almost 26), and my friend who is 27 is still waiting, despite being in a committed relationship that will likely lead to marriage soon. My husband and I talked all the time about how glad we were that we waited, though it was hard. I think we should give people more credit sometimes
Another anecdote: I played women’s rugby all through college, and our team was rather known for being a bit loose. And yet, half of us were still virgins by the time we graduated (and it was not for lack of opportunity). I guess this doesn’t have that much to do with your actual post, but after reading the comments I just wanted to say that it is possible to wait until marriage! And in response to your post, you have some really good thoughts there