I’ve never had to think too much about divorce. Unlike most Westerners, I’ve never really had to face the issue. My parents, along with all the aunts and uncles I grew up with, as well as all my friends’ parents, are all still together. Not all of them are in happy relationships, but they’re all still living in the same house, at least. I do have aunts and uncles who are “separated,” but they all live in different states and provinces and they’ve never been a part of my life, really.
Fortunately, I’m in a good marriage myself, and all my married friends seem to be doing well, too. So it’s not an issue I come across very often.
See, Mennonites don’t divorce. The Old Colony Church where I grew up has no formal procedures for carrying out divorce (as far as I know), and remarriage is absolutely out of the question under any and all circumstances. If a husband and wife just can’t get along they might start living separately, but that also means they can’t really be a part of the Mennonite community any more. To divorce means to cut yourself off from all community.
I grew up understanding that if you got divorced it meant you weren’t a strong Christian, or perhaps not even a Christian at all. The primary way you expressed your spirituality was through family life – by getting married, having kids, and staying married. If you got divorced it was because you were selfish, uncommitted, and didn’t love Jesus. You couldn’t serve Jesus and be divorced at the same time. And if you remarried, you were almost certainly going to hell. There was obviously no hope for a sinner like you.
So with my complete lack of experience in regards to divorce, I have to admit that I don’t really know anything about it. I have to confess that I don’t really understand what Jesus is saying when he talks about divorce in the book of Matthew (19: 8-9). I don’t know if there are exceptions to the general no-divorce rule in the Bible, and if so, what they are. I don’t know who should be in charge of enforcing those rules, if anyone. I’m not sure what role the church or the government should play in terms of what they should allow or enable.
And on a blog about marriage, I feel like I ought to have something to say about divorce. So here are the things that I do know:
I do know that divorce is tragic and contrary to God’s design for human life, and that in an ideal world it would never happen. I know that God meant for us to remain united – sexually, emotionally, and proximally – with one person for the extent of our lives. But I also know that we live in a fallen world and things don’t always work out that way. But I’m not sure why.
I know that to a large degree, divorce is so prevalent in our society because people are indeed selfish and uncommitted.
I also know that entering marriage with the mindset, “If this doesn’t work out, we’ll just get a divorce and try again” spells doom. Every couple should enter into a marriage expecting to make it work no matter what.
But selfishness and lack of commitment and a poor mindset certainly can’t explain every marriage breakdown. I’m certain that some very good people go through divorce, and it has nothing to do with how “Christian” they are. I’m certain that some very generous, committed, God-loving individuals go through divorce and I have no idea why. I certainly can’t be the judge, in any particular instance, of whether the couple did something wrong. I simply cannot point to any one couple and say with certainty, “You could have stayed together if you had tried harder.” I have no idea, really.
I also know that regardless, compassion for those who have gone through divorce is absolutely essential. I don’t know what the rules are for the people who are breaking up, but I know that my responsibility as a witness and a Christ-follower is to be sympathetic, generous, and non-judgmental. What do I really know about anything?
My other responsibility is to listen. Maybe if I listen carefully enough, I will learn more about the topic of divorce from those who have gone through it. I need to befriend people – single, married, divorced – and hear their stories with generosity and open-mindedness.
And where I can, I also want to help keep married people together. I want to encourage them to keep going, and help them through times of need, and offer my own stories so they can see marriage through another set of eyes.
What do you think? Am I missing anything? What other responsibilities might I have? How else might I learn more about divorce? If you have been divorced yourself, what else do you think I should know?
Photo courtesy of David Kingham.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
I think you’re on the right path with this. Compassion and withholding judgment are excellent ingredients for dealing with divorces.
From my own experience: my parents divorced, but they were so unhappy and unable to fix things that after 10 years of it, the whole family was glad for the relief. My mom later divorced my stepdad because he was becoming irrational and unbearable and miserable. He was later diagnosed bipolar and medicated. Mom agreed to remarry him because, medicated, he was once again the man she had fallen in love with. Then he decided he was healed and went off his meds and later tried to strangle her. The end.
My own first marriage ended in divorce and I hated doing it. So much so that I delayed it for years and years like my parents had. But my first husband couldn’t understand where he was wrong, therefore he couldn’t fix anything. He couldn’t see the double standard he wielded, nor that he was jealous and insecure and nothing I did could fix him because, well.. we can’t fix other people. Eventually, I chose to move forward with my life and have a chance at all the things I’d wanted. That meant having my life without my first husband
I don’t regret the choice, but even today, happily remarried and finally on the path I’d wanted all along, I wish very much I could have had all this with my first husband. I do wish it had worked because, like I tell Gary (current husband), no one goes into a marriage hoping it’ll fail.
Sometimes, people are just too damaged to progress and grow and when you’re unequally yoked, it’s a difficult pairing to bear.
Newlywed and Unemployed — thanks for sharing even the painful details of your life and your parents’ lives so I can get a bit of a better picture of divorce. These are the kinds of things I need to hear to understand. I think you’re right — we can’t fix other people. I appreciate your willingness to share.
Kathy, great post! I am against divorce for reasons like “irreconcilable differences,” but am for it if the marriage is dangerous for one of the people. I’m pretty sure the Bible says you can divorce if there’s unfaithfulness. Personally, I take that as more than just someone having an affair. To me, abuse would also mean unfaithfulness to the other partner.
As for remarrying, I’m not sure where I stand with that. It seems unfair to me to make a young divorcee stay single for the rest of their lives. However, that kind of thinking sure got me weird looks when my Mom an d I talked about this subject one time. I was raised in a household where remarrying after divorce was out of the question.
Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t get married thinking “if Dave says one mean thing to me, we’re divorcing” or anything like that.
Yeah — I know all about the weird looks you get when you ask questions about divorce among people who think there is no room for questions.
Well, when I was 23 I married a divorced man. I did. Divorce isn’t cut and dried in any sense – it’s messy and complicated, and every divorce is different, just like every marriage is different. Having grown up in a conservative-Baptist church, I really didn’t ever conceive that I would walk down the aisle toward a man who was previously married.
My husband is wonderful, sweet, sensitive, and God-loving. He did not want his first marriage to fail, but he did marry the wrong woman. He wanted counseling. She didn’t, left, and remarried months after the divorce.
My husband did not expect to ever have another relationship. Ever. He was a PK, grew up in a conservative home. But God showed him that He loves my husband more than He hates divorce. We’ve been married for almost three years now.
I know women who are third and fourth wives, and I know women who left their (first) marriages for good reasons. They are all Godly, wise women.
We live in a fallen world. Fallen marriages happen. What matters is what we do with them and how we learn.
“God showed him that He loves my husband more than He hates divorce.” Thanks, Hallie. A good thing to remember.
Have you seen my family tree? (http://whisperedbetweenwomen.tumblr.com/post/204242028/familytree) This means our families are polar opposites–every single member of my family has been divorced and most have been married multiple times. At my family reunion, saying that divorce makes them bad Christians would be fighting words but I’m not going to disagree with you.
The main thing I know about divorce is this. Usually one person changes while the other person is unwilling to change. If they’re really trying, then that can drag out for 10-15 years until one person can no longer bear to live their life that way any longer. It’s a fundamental problem that cannot be reconciled with the couple because their natural, individual processes for handling problems pushes them apart (for the most part I wouldn’t call that selfishness but the truest meaning of irreconcilable differences). It sounds like in your community, there is the added loss of the church family’s support after a divorce so possibly that is enough for people to stay in a marriage, an added benefit that balances out the stagnant unhappiness of the union.
I think the most important thing to consider when looking at divorce is that people try their hardest and do the best that they can with what they’ve got. Life is long and hard and everyone makes mistakes. I’m having to really learn this, too, as I try to judge less and love more with my own mom and dad and all of the marriages and divorces that came before me.
Sorry, Mrs. Levine – I’m not suggesting here that people who divorce really are “bad Christians” or “bad people,” only that I was raised to think that. I am having to rethink my stance on the subject. Thanks for your additional thoughts.
No need to apologize. It’s just different points of view. I’m trying to get over thinking of them as bad parents for their choices, which really is the same as thinking they’re bad Christians, so we’re both trying to see things differently.
Not knowing anyone who has been divorced, I’m guessing that means that you live your marriage with a fundamental understanding that you’ll be together for the rest of your life. That’s absolutely the way it should be, but I live with the fundamental fear that there are infinite things that could happen that would cause my marriage to end. For me, personally, that’s the tragedy of divorce, that it isn’t just about two people making a decision but the reprecussion it has for generations. I think my husband is desperately trying to make me feel safe in the idea of forever and I want to be, but forever is something I’ve never seen. I want it, but it feels like catching a unicorn.
I appreciate your bravery in bringing forth such a complex and emotional topic as divorce, Kathleen.
I suppose my views on divorce are a bit of a mixed bag. I am strongly pro-marriage and therfefore strongly anti-divorce. It is a very sad statement to me that the divorce rate in the church isn’t any different than the divorce rate in the cultrue at large. What does that say about how our churches are doing in supporting marriages? I’m have a slightly crazy personal mission to help change that.
Many of my own views are conflicted, with very little black and white. While I do know that God hates divorce for how it hurts people and damages families, I also agree with Hallie that God loves people more than he hates divorce. His nature is to be a reconciler, but where reconciliation isn’t possible He steps in to be a redeemer. I believe we’ve made divorce too easy, too convenient, leading too many choose the “easy” way out, but I also know that a legalistic system that simply forbids divorce could cause as much or more harm than our current system that places little value on the covenant nature of marriage.
As a final statement of the unresolved personal conflict within me on divorce, I’ll say that my own parent’s marriage ended in a bitter divorce after 26 years. And I’m still not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. I only know that it was a sad thing.
Scott, you understand me perfectly. I am in the exact same position you are. I am “anti-divorce,” and I think it’s tragic that the church currently has just as bad a track record as the rest of the world, but I also hate all the blame and judgment that people in churches often experience when they divorce. I agree that divorce has become “too easy” in many respects, and yet I know that legalistic rules are not the answer, either. What are we to do?
I’m comforted to hear that someone else is on the same page I am. Maybe we can learn together.
I’ve read your blog for a while, I found it over on EngagedMarriage.com. I really enjoy reading your entries!
I am a Christian, but not Catholic and I grew up with all sorts of various religious/spiritual view points.
I am married myself, and want to stay that way. But I also know that it takes TWO to make a marriage work. I do believe deep down that God wants us to be happy and have joy in our lives–sure, He will test us, and give us trials and tribulations in the process, but overall, I don’t think we were put here to be miserable.
That said, if every person (married or not) realized that their own true happiness and satisfaction with their life was truly up to THEM (and not their spouse, job, kids, etc.) there would be a lot less divorce in this country. I agree out society, and particularly our generation (I’m just a few years older than you are and I’ve been married just over a year) is extremely self-centered and all about “me, me, me” which does NOT work in a marriage. It can’t.
I had NO clue about how hard marriage can really be, I just knew that it must not be easy because but I come from a VERY divorced family (mom, grandma, Dad, etc.). But, I can honestly say that they’re all still good people, many of them Christians.
I don’t believe that all Sin is equal, so I don’t think a person getting divorced (due to infidelity or abuse/neglect) is not nearly as much of a sin as say, murdering someone.
I think way too many people rush into marriage and absolutely rush into divorce–both have enormous consequences and responsibilities. Neither is easy. Marriage is wonderful and joyful and unlike anything I’ve ever done, I am so glad I got married. But, even with all the “work” pre-marital counseling (I did most of it on my own) and books/blogs I read, I STILL didn’t know much about marriage. I think people should be REQUIRED (in all faiths, even in non-faith situations) to under go pre-marital counseling and should be put in “testy situations” similar to those of marriage to really see if they’re ready, willing and able. (And no, I don’t mean co-habitation. I’m talking about more of a “pre-marriage institute with tests, trials and so on.) A lot of people think they are, but they’re not. However, is anyone ever REALLY ready for anything in life? You kind of just take it one day at a time and learn to go with it as it happens, which is wonderful!
I do want to add that I’ve seen many divorcees grow greatly after their divorce, and I’ve seen many crumble. Divorce is sad, tragic and incredibly difficult, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I certainly don’t want to go through it myself. But, if a spouse has been unfaithful (i.e. one of the 10 Commandments “Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery”) and/or has an addiction to drugs, sex, alcachol or gambling, and/or is outright verbally/mentally/emotionally/sexually/physically abusive–than by all means, divorce is the better option.
I don’t like seeing so many people divorce, I don’t think most people are willing to do the hard work that marriage requires and that’s sad, very, very sad. However, I whole completely disagree with “Absolutely NO divorce, for ANY reason, no matter what.” In theory, that’d be great–and I wish it was true. But, we ARE all human and there are consequences to actions. WHY on Earth SHOULD a person stay in an unfaithful, abusive marriage? They shouldn’t.
Any of the above reasons that I just named are absolutely reason for divorce. That is my honest belief–and I don’t believe it’s a sin to divorce IF a person is divorcing for THOSE reasons.
That all being said, I do NOT believe in divorce for ANY other reason. If you can’t agree on how to fold towels, or they leave lights on all the darn time, or you always leave stuff everywhere, or you can’t agree on where to live or what not….the little things are so important in a marriage and they definitely add up–but far too many people divorce entirely too quickly for stupid reasons.
I also think a form neglect is a form of absuve–if you have a spouse who outright REFUSES to participate with you–in marriage, in conversation, in house keeping, child rearing, sex, etc….who will NOT do ANY of that, than that’s NOT a partner and NOT a marriage. And a person can only take so much of that.
Marriage is, and should be, a partnership. It takes TWO. And sometimes you just don’t know, or find out MANY MANY years later, after much hurt, begging, pleading and counseling that you’re married to a person simply UN-WILLING (and perhaps unable due to physical/mental illness–not saying people with those conditions can’t be married, because they can and many are very successful at it, but sometimes, those reasons make a person unable to cope with life–period). take part in the marriage. That’s neglect, and I think that is a reason for divorce…BUT…not before the neglected spouse has clearly stated what he/she needs and wants. NOT before both spouses have undergone counseling and honest personal evaluation and NOT because your spouse didn’t kiss you good night one night or skip a family outing once or twice a month. I’m talking about YEARS of neglect. I hope that makes sense.
Anyway, this topic is fascinating and I know much more about divorce than I do marriage, but I LOVE being married. It is one of the best things I’ve EVER done and I absolutely believe that marriage is a gift from God. It is meant to be cultivated, enjoyed celebrated and reveered.
I really wish our society focused more on marriage than on divorce. And I wish people knew more about being married before they actually got married. I am blessed with a husband who WANTS to work at it, and I thank God for that everyday–thankfully, I do too!
I adore your blog, Kathleen, have a wonderful day!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Wow, Sarah Liz, it sounds like you’ve thought about this issue quite a bit — which is great! I’m so glad you’ve decided to share! I think I’m right with you in wishing that I never had to witness divorce, but understanding that sometimes there doesn’t seem to be any better option. I also agree that folks need to be better educated and equipped for marriage, and that we are a very self-centered generation. Thanks for all your thoughts!
I think there are so many grey areas to divorce. The whole remarrying before your spouse has passed on, is very tricky. I don’t consider it to be very fair. Especially if you are the person being mistreated or cheated on.
As mennonites, we aren’t exposed to divorce very often. However, we are exposed to unhealthy marriages. A marriage can be miserable, but no way out is seen. Because women aren’t very often educated enough to support themselves and the children. And men don’t want to cook or take care of kids. They rely on each other which is good, seems healthy, but at the same time, I think a lot of people would be happier divorced.
There are many cases I can think of that would easily “qualify” for divorce according to the bible. What’s worst, thinking you’re a bad christian for leaving or getting mistreated or abused and staying? Not like staying together is modelling healthy relationships to the kids when there is no communication or affection, which is often the case. (this is just my observation of some mennonite families, not all are like this) I was raised with an excellent example for marriage, which I am very thankful for.
I think this is an excellent topic for discussion.
I know what you mean, Sue — the things that are good for keeping couples together (a strong need for each other, like you mentioned) can also be bad things when they don’t allow what is sometimes necessary. Thanks for your thoughts!
While there are justifiable reasons for divorce, as cited above, such as physical/emotional abuse, affairs, alcoholism, etc., there are cases of divorce that seem to stem from a misperception of what marriage means/is. I don’t believe that the accessibility of divorce is a problem, but rather a lack of clear reflection by those considering marriage on what marriage is, or should mean, in the long term. For instance, from what I’ve heard, though I should verify it with some credible research, is that the most common cause of divorce is due to financial issues, which to me, is an issue that should be addressed prior to marriage. Of course, there are unpredictable factors that may/will occur, but to have made a genuine commitment to one another from the start should at least keep divorce at a distance.
Maybe in some cases, couples have a skewed conception that marriage is a love-affair, thanks to Hollywood, and so disappointment ensues. I think more talk and less fantasy in such cases could be a solution.
Perhaps my solution is naive due to inexperience, but it just seems that some cases of divorce stem from a misunderstanding of marriage.
I think you’re right on track with your thinking, Zeinab!
I really enjoyed Ben’s post on this topic from his short-lived blog. He talked about how he found himself feeling superior to people who were divorced or who had divorced parents. He realized that this was wrong and was musing about it. I’d like to hear more about this! Perhaps a hubby guest post? Or you could discuss your own experiences with this issue?
Funnily enough, this is exactly how I feel about people who are often ill. Not terminally or seriously ill! I’m talking about people who are chronically sniffly and headachey, etc. Especially when they complain about it. I feel superior because I’m almost never sick, and I credit myself with a good diet and taking care of myself, most of which is totally innaccurate. Anyway, this is obviously something I need to work on.
Thanks for another thought-provoking post!
Well, I know I’m at the polar end of this debate, mainly because I’m not Christian and do not belief in/entertain the notion of an afterlife. But I also don’t want marriage for myself, not because I don’t believe in it, but because I simply don’t feel it’s a good fit for me. I don’t take my commitments and my relationships lightly. I’m partial to long-term commitments, to oath ceremonies, to living out what’s left of life with a partner (preferably someone who could also be a best friend). But if there ever came a time when the relationship was no longer productive and successful, I imagine separation might become an option.
This is completely unromantic, but I do perceive my relationships in a sense like jobs. There’s a certain degree of work and effort and education that go into them — not to mention time — but if the position was no longer making me happy or making me into a better person or challenging me, I might consider applying for a different position. Is this selfish? Oh yes. But at the same time, I’m also trying to be as fair and honest as possible in the best interest of all parties involved.
So divorce? I don’t like the thought. I don’t think pledging your life to someone and walking away from those vows when the going gets tough shows much character. I believe, whether in marriage or a long-term engagement of sorts, the couple should fight it out with everything they have until they can’t do it anymore. Relationships, like people, are fluid and subject to change. Sometimes they work and emulsify, and other times they become more like oil and vinegar (or were they always?).