“Will somebody please ask me out on a coffee date for tonight? I’ve been alone 4 days straight and I’m about to kill myself for loneliness.”
I wish I could say I read that Facebook status on my news feed. Then I could use it as an illustration for why we need human contact in our everyday lives. I would use it to demonstrate why it’s important for you to remain caught up in the tangled web of human relationships because it keeps you sane.
But I didn’t read that Facebook status on my news feed.
I wrote it.
Fortunately, though, I thought twice before publishing it, and deleted it at the last second. Then I got up and started pacing and flapping my hands like I do when I can’t make up my mind about something. What was I going to do? I was desperate. I needed human contact. Any human contact. But I didn’t know how to get it.
See, here’s something you may or may not already know about me: I’m a serious introvert. I like to be alone. I am very happy to spend eight hours of my day in complete solitude, just writing and thinking and cooking and cleaning. I do all my grocery shopping at the crack of dawn so I don’t have to risk running into people I know and then having to chit-chat with them. I also hate making new friends, so I avoid all social gatherings that involve mixing with people I don’t already know.
The thing is, I don’t love being entangled in the messiness of other people’s lives. I dislike small talk. I loathe awkwardness. I dread others baring their feelings to my face because I fear that I will not be able to respond to their emotions adequately. I don’t hug, I suck at sympathizing, I feel weird about expressing interest or affection, and I fear taking responsibility for other people’s emotions. So I try to keep to myself as much as possible.
I have been like this for so long now that I have sort of lost the ability to plan get-togethers like a normal person. I just kind of forget to do it. I never plan dates or social events. I never pick up the phone just to say hi or drop by a friend’s house. I have kind of forgotten how.
Normally, I have no trouble spending lots of time alone. I have a rather cozy, self-centered life. I keep very busy all by my lonesome. But this last week, Ben was unusually busy. He was out every evening, attending classes or meeting with friends or practicing with his band. And I stayed home. I already spend every morning and afternoon completely alone, but now I was spending the evenings alone, too. For almost 100 hours straight I was completely by myself, except for a few short interactions with Ben in between his busyness.
And finally, on Thursday, I snapped. I was so desperate for human contact but so unused to making dates or plans with friends that I actually typed out a message on Facebook begging anyone in driving distance to come hang out with me.
It turns out that even monstrously self-absorbed, introverted people like me need relationships. We need to be entangled in other people’s messy experiences and emotions. We need to feel awkwardness and make small talk and bare our emotions and let the whole world see how bad we are at comforting others. Otherwise we go gaga. We’ll start saying crazy things over the interwebs, just aching for someone to hear us. That’s not a healthy position to be in.
So learn from me. Go out and get entangled. Be socially awkward. Run into acquaintances and stammer like goofball. Otherwise you’ll turn out like me.
[Fortunately, I texted a friend instead of sending that embarrassing message to the world and ended up having a delightful coffee date with four awesome girl friends. When I told Ben what I’d almost done he said, “Whoa! Good thing you never published that Facebook status. Who knows who might have responded!” And then he said, in his best female stalker voice, “Dear Kathy: I’ve waited my whole life to be your best friend. Let’s start tonight. I want to share everything.” *Shudder* Yes indeed, I am grateful I didn’t actually publish that status.]
Have you ever had a moment where you realized you needed relationships?
Photo courtesy of eatingsnowflakes
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve certainly had moments like these. It’s then that I make someone do something with me. Coffee, frisbee golf, movie watching, or out to eat. It doesn’t matter what, I’ll find something to do. If nothing else, I’ll head somewhere and be by myself, around other people; perhaps wandering around a store and looking around (I can do that without buying anything, so it’s not horrible.)
I’ve found these times to be more when I am caught up in various projects and, due to scheduling conflicts, have a hard time connecting with the friends that I regularly keep in touch with.
I really relate to you on this one, Kathleen. I seek out human contact very often, but it does not come naturally to me. I do it because I know that otherwise I will eventually lose perspective (and also because my husband, who is an extreme extrovert, would bug me to death). However, I don’t think you should be too hard on yourself about this (HA! pot calling kettle BLACK!)–I’m not going to say “it’s what makes you who you are,” but I will say that I’ve noticed that very introverted people often have SO much to give…because we are ALWAYS building it up! Introverts are so incredibly engaging…once you finally get us engaged. But totally good call to go ahead and text a friend.
I know exactly what you’re saying here Kathleen, except by all appearances I’m an extrovert. I know everyone, go out my way to say good morning make eye contact, talk to someone knew…
But when it comes down to it, if I had the option of coming home putting on my PJs pouring a glass of wine and watching a movie with my hubby or even by myself and going to social gathering I would opt to stay home every time.
If my hubby’s away and I don’t have to work, I could go days without ever leaving our yard happy to go nowhere and be by myself.
Lately I’ve been coming away from social situations feeling exhausted, although I am a conversationalist on the surface, I am protective of my own life and thoughts, I often come away from conversations realizing that I know every detail of the others person’s recent happenings and shared no information of my own.
I have no idea what that says about me… But I do know that understand where you are coming from.
I totally laughed out loud when i read what Ben said….AWESOME! I can totally picture it…i love that voice. I’m pretty sure i say something in that voice at least once a day and sometimes around people who don’t know why that voice exists. It can be humiliating…but totally worth it.
Anytime you wanna chill, my afternoons are free and clear most of the time. And it seems my evenings will be clear for at least the next month so when you’re feeling depressed, we can totally chill!
I also spend many hours in solitude every day that I’m not in school. I sit and type. The excitement of my day lies in the moments I get to move…either to eat, or stretch my legs. Then I sit back down and read. No social contact, no life basically. By the time my husband gets home I want so much attention I’m like a baby!
You’re so right– even if we consider ourselves as introverts, we all need human contact to maintain our sanity.
I think there’s a distinction that we can draw between loneliness and solitude. Many times I seek out solitude and look forward to my moments of respite and self-reflection. But when solitude is interrupted with thoughts of socializing and I become disengaged with my self-reflection, I become conscious of my aloneness and loneliness becomes overwhelming.
Your post brings Julian of Norwich to mind.
Ah, it’s so refreshing to hear this from a fellow introvert! I spend 90% of my time at home, usually alone with my kid, and then a couple hours a day during the week my husband is home. And then when he’s away for work…ugh. I hate to go out – but then I do like a little company now and then! I try to have a “date” once a week with a friend, even if they just hang out with me at home it’s someone NEW to talk to (especially someone with a “real life”).
This made laugh in empathy and agreement–thank you!
I wouldn’t say I’m anti-social, I can be shy at times, but I count that as more cautious and reserved rather than avoidance of interaction. I consider myself both a social butterfly and a loner, which is odd, but true.
I am one of those who NEEDS my time alone, if and when I don’t get an adequate amount of time to myself, I get rather cranky and frustrated.
I have always enjoyed my time alone and I still enjoy my own company. I am an only child and I think that helped a lot in being okay with being alone. I think it’s a bit wierd when people CAN’T be alone (as in, just sit with themselves quietly, no TV, no people, no music–but there are many who despise that, to each their own, I guess.)
I didn’t date much (my husband is only my third real boyfriend ever) and I pretty much NEVER (sadly, literally) went out in High School with boyfriends or friends. (Unless you count 2 proms, 1 Homecoming Game and of course, Graduation!) So, believe me, Kathleen, I KNOW how you feel. And like you, I can be alone ALL day and absolutely love it! Whether I’m thinking, writing, cooking, meditating, cleaning, reading, etc–I can always find a good way to occupy my time.
In fact, as I write this comment here, I’m sitting alone in my living room, without the TV, radio or husband/mother at home (my mom lives with us)–and it’s quite blissful! (Love them both, but you know what I mean!)
For me, I need ALONE time and QUIET time, I have no problem with my husband being home ALL day if at SOME point, we turn off the TV, and the Laptop and just be together, you know. Alone time and quiet time has a difference. And I need time, each day, to shut out the noise of the world and decompress. BUT, I DO get lonely!
If my husband is at work ALL day (he’s a manager so this happens sometimes) or we “miss” each other for days on end (coming home and going to bed at different times due to different schedules) than I DO miss contact with him. And sometimes, I miss my co-workers over the weekend. They’re not my best friends, but they’re really cool people who I enjoy working with. And when I’m back at work, it’s like “yay!” I’m very blessed with that.
Even though I’m a loner, generally speaking, I do get lonely every now and then.
My mother LOVES being alone and says she honestly doesn’t ever get lonely (she’s single) and I just don’t buy it. I mean, people NEED people–even us loners NEED to interact with OTHER human beings on occasion. It’s healthy! I’ve always been good at interacting with people, or so I’m told. I actually don’t think I’m that fantastic at it, but I hear that I’m “poise, outgoing and should really go into public relations.” Okay….anyway, I’m definitely more introverted than extroverted but I absolutely can see the necessity of both.
I think balance is the key to life–so I really strive for a bit of both–equal parts time alone and time with others. It takes me a few DAYS to get lonely, but if I don’t see or talk to anyone for days at a time, than yes, I’m right there with you, I absolutely miss people! It’s so important to reach out and put ourselves out there–I was actually just reading a book about how human interaction is downright necessary to our survival and instrumental to our overall health!
I really enjoyed this post, thanks for making me feel a heck of a lot more normal! Now, I’m going to get back to enjoying my time alone, followed by an evening with friends–perfect day for me!
Have a great weekend!
Many Blessings,
-Sarah Liz
Kathy, I can feel with you here. Although I have a baby to take care of, there are many days that I don’t talk to grownups much…especially when Dave has to leave for school half an hour after he gets home and only gets back at 11. Some days I call my Mom for no other reason than to talk to an adult and not have to use baby language!
I had a realization a few years ago that I needed to surround myself with friends who “got me” (vs people who did not). So I became more discerning, but also more open minded. And just making that mental quest seem to draw people to me. Or maybe I was just open to it. Now I don’t feel lonely because my life is full.