It is a truth universally acknowledged that marriage is not easy.
To say at a social gathering that marriage isn’t hard would be like saying eating chicken feet isn’t disgusting. Of course it is. There is generally no debate about it. It’s just an accepted truth. In fact, Jon Acuff jokes about the popularity of this message at wedding ceremonies, which he calls the “Scared Straight Marriage Talk.”
But sometimes, don’t you find yourself wondering, Is marriage really all that much harder than other relationships?
OK, I sometimes find myself wondering this.
I recently asked myself, “Is marriage, say, harder than friendship? Is it harder than being a sibling? Is it harder than being a part of a church community of a sorority club or a hockey team?”
Why don’t people go around saying “family is not easy” or “being a daughter is hard work”?
In my experience so far, I haven’t found being married to Ben any harder – or easier – than it was living with my mom, dad, and four younger siblings.
That was pretty hard sometimes. It was hard negotiating between my parents’ vastly different levels and manifestations of religiosity. It was hard dealing with my little brother’s bull-headedness and my little sister’s unreasonable picky eating habits. It was hard sharing a room with a sister who had different notions of tidiness and different opinions on how loud the alarm clock should be in the morning. It took a lot of hard work to keep the peace between seven people who all needed to share a single computer, TV and shower.
And that’s not it. Amongst my church friends, it’s often hard to get along when we all have differing incomes, spending habits, convictions and political views. It’s not always easy agreeing on a place to spend our Sunday afternoons or how to celebrate Christmas together. Sometimes it’s tempting to just give in and quit hanging out altogether. It’s hard when personalities clash and we forget to respect each other and when we find out that someone has been saying impolite things about us when we’re not around.
I personally don’t think marriage is especially hard.
Sure, marriage has its special difficulties – you have to agree on a lot more, like whether or not to have joint accounts and how religiously to raise your kids. But marriage also has special perks that also make it easier than other relationships, like romance and sexual intimacy. (Hint: sex is good for making you forget why you are mad at each other sometimes. That only works with a spouse).
Rather, I think living with people is hard. We’re all so insecure and competitive and opinionated and irritable. We’re a pain to live with, in all honesty.
It’s hard to share space and resources with others, especially when they want to use them in ways that you disagree with.
It doesn’t matter if it’s your spouse, your pastor, your neighbor, your boss, your mom, your brother, or the person who’s tailgating you right now with the blinding laserbeam headlights who could easily just pass you on the left. Humans are just hard to live with. It takes a lot of hard work to get along with people, especially if you share a home with them.
So I say enough of saying that marriage is hard. It doesn’t take any more work or effort than do any other relationships that require you to see and share space with the same person every single day. Let’s face it: being a social animal is hard work. But relationships give life meaning, so we do it anyways.
What do you think? Do you think marriage is harder than other relationships? Or is it easier? Why do you think so?
Photo courtesy of Vinje.
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You aren’t kidding that this isn’t something you just bring up in mixed company! But I agree. I think marriage should be one of the simplest things in your life. This coming from the woman who used to believe that if you weren’t struggling, you weren’t doing it right – but that was what I grew up with. And they still ended up divorced, so I don’t know how my mind warped that into “Struggling works!”
But anyway.. yes. I think it should be easier to agree, to disagree, to do the dishes, to get up in the morning, to make a grocery list, to come home from work, to wash the car – because there’s a spouse who has the same goals (ie, get the chores done so we can get on with the romance and sexual intimacy!).
Kathleen,
I would have to agree with you that all human relationship have the potential to be difficult. However I believe there is more of an emphasis on marriage, and for good reason.
If you and your sister don’t get along, likely she’ll still be your sister. If you and your parents don’t get along like they’ll still be your parents – there’s not an option to divorce them.
When it comes to friends, at the end of the day if you decided to longer be friends, it wouldn’t be earth shattering, you can find new friends.
There is an emphasis on marriage because it is a separate and unique relationship that requires two willing parties, and it’s a lot more difficult to get out of than most relationships. You have a legal obligation to that person for the duration of your marriage and dissolving that marriage is far less simple than just no longer picking up the phone.
As usual … well worded, a great point, and I totally agree!
I think this is excellent! I agree that marriage isn’t especially hard. After all, you’ve chosen to be with this person for the rest of your life. I’ve found living with my husband, who I chose, to be much easier than living with my brothers, who I didn’t choose! And single life is hard, too. So I appreciate you debunking this
I most definitely agree with you! I find any social relationship to be difficult. Whether that be between the multiple layers of relationships I have within my family, or the relationships I have with friends. You said it best when you wrote that paragraph about friends. It is not easy staying close to friends, and personally I don’t think it will ever be easy. In fact, I think relationships with friends might be more difficult than keeping a good relationship between a spouse!
Marriage has definitely been the easiest relationship to maintain so far in my life! Not that it is always easy, but more so that other relationships are just really hard. When you love someone as intensely as you do a spouse, it is easier to compromise and be self-sacrificial. Also, though there is definitely room for greed and selfishness in marriage, at least we have the bonus of having so many things that we are working towards together. I also find that our marriage is so much easier than our dating/engagement was. Now THAT was hard work!
I think you make a great point. Growing up an only child, I didn’t face a lot of push back. I didn’t share a room or really have anyone disagreeing with me on how things should be done. My parents of course had some ground rules but a lot of times I got to do it “my way”. There weren’t other kids who wanted to see a different movie, play a different game, etc. So my relationship and living with my soon-to-be spouse has challenged that upbringing. And it would have happened regardless of what person I chose.
I do agree with Shannon O though, that in a sense your family is your family but you choose your spouse. Many people expect that it shouldn’t be hard because you are picking that person and (one would think) you would pick someone where you wouldn’t butt heads over those decisions. That goes back to expectations: that there shouldn’t be disagreements. There is a lot more pressure on the marriage relationship to just work, and when we find it is just as challenging as other close relationships we panic a bit. All close personal relationships are hard: I think what makes marriage seem harder than others is that in a friendship you might never have to resolve certain differences about religion, family etc. but with a spouse those decisions are essential to your future.
I agree that every relationship has the potential to be difficult because whenever people are involved there’s a chance for poblems and pain.
I think, in general, the more intimacy you want in a relationship, the more difficult it is going to be. Being casual friends with someone will generally bring less personal challenge than being best buddies. You can choose to ignore a hurtful statement by an acquaintence, but the same thing said by a close friend cuts more deeply.
The closer you draw together the more potential there is for hurt and conflict. But on the converse side, there is also more potential for a deeply satisfying and fulfilling relationship as well.
Genuine intimacy takes a willingness to risk yourself and also requires consistent attention to maintain. In that sense, I think marriage, being the most intimate relationship in many people’s lives, is harder.
I agree with you, Scott — good point: the closer you are (or want to be), the harder it’s going to be to pull off.
I think I would say that you, and some of the comment-er’s are blessed that your marriages aren’t hard work, I feel that I’m in that category too. However I’ve seen many marriages that are. My grandparents worked hard at their marriage when there were long periods of unemployment, uncertainty and stress. My parents worked incredibly hard, and I’m happy to say are still married, at their marriage when even members of their own family were against them and occasionally tried to sabotage their marriage. A big part of well your marriage works is whether or not you have the support to get through the rough patches and your commitment to it, if you have these things you’re more likely to double-check what you do, the money you spend or even the way you say things when you’re hurt, tired or scared… it might not be hard work, but it is work that you’re doing just more committed work because you chose this person. And I wouldn’t want to spread around the rumor that once you get married you automatically know how to keep a relationship strong and stable, you do have to work at that like any other relationship or job you’ll have.
Thanks for making these points, Molly. I don’t want to give the impression that marriage is easy (it certainly isn’t), only that other intimate relationships are also (perhaps equally) difficult.
I agree Kathleen. I have several friends that are in very committed relationships. They have houses, children, families, jobs and all the other stresses. They fight, complain and makeup just like everyone else. They are not ‘officially’ married, as they don’t see the need. But there stresses and problems in the relationship are similar.
A biased view
Given today’s general world view of marriage, I would agree that my relationship with my wife is potentially no more or no less difficult than the other relationships in my life. For me the difference is that I consider marriage as covenant relationship before God – there is no exit strategy. In some way I can physically or emotionally withdraw from all the other relationships you cited. In a covenantal relationship my wife and I are always striving to put the needs of the other ahead of our own, and therein lies the problem.
I definitely agree with your explanation of covenant. I don’t know, however, if I would conclude “therein lies the problem” . . . .
Perhaps “therein lies the beauty” or “therein lies the complexity”!
The big differences are sex and money.
It’s one thing to negotiate a relationship with a person you’re not having sex with. Throw in sex and it’s a whole new game. Sex makes a lot of things better. It also adds another level of things to disagree about, wrestle over, and work through. And because it’s such a deeply personal thing, it’s more emotionally charged. The level of relationship intimacy is different.
When it comes to money – you’ll likely never have a joint personal bank account with a friend or sibling. And that’s probably for the best!
I do agree that all relationships require some work, and close relationships even more work. It seems to me that in marriage you have more responsibilities, especially when children are involved. I mean you don’t read vows to your siblings or friends to establish your relationship, of course there are always unspoken/implied vows in relationships, but not as officialas in marriage. However, just because something is harder or takes more effort to sustain doesn’t mean it’s any less enjoyable, but on the contrary, perhaps more so than if it was easy.
I think you’re probably onto something, Zeinab — the harder relationships are probably more satisfying/enjoyable.
In my experience, marriage is considerably harder than being a sibling, daughter or friend (and I am happily married to a great guy). It’s been harder for the following reasons.
1. I have been a daughter and sister all of my life, and thus have lots of experience in these roles. But I was never a wife before I got married, and adjusting to this completely different role was really hard. While all intimate relationships have a lot in common, it is not possible to relate to your husband in the same way that you relate to your parents (for example). You must learn completely new skills.
2. There is no escape in marriage. You can “agree to disagree” with your friends, siblings and usually parents (assuming they are not extremely controlling). But this is usually not possible in marriage: for instance, you must both agree about how to spend money, where to live, what to eat, what to do for fun, etc. Since people rarely completely agree about anything, this means you will be constantly bickering with your spouse in a way that doesn’t happen in other relationships. (Even the word bickering usually implies an existing marital or quasi-marital relationship.) While sex can smooth over bickering, it also frequently causes bickering (when to have sex/what kind to have/how much sex to have: the possibilities for disagreement are endless).
3. I agree with Harville Hendrix and other psychologists that we seek to marry people who remind us of our parents in both positive and negative ways. This is why people typically have a “type”. Unfortunately, this means that your spouse will have the exact negative characteristics that you are most sensitive to, as they remind you of previous bad experiences. For example, children of alcoholic parents very frequently marry alcoholics, children of critical parents marry the critical, etc. Marriage is more psychologically fraught than other relationships precisely because you chose your spouse.
I just recently discovered your blog and am loving it. Thanks for providing such interesting commentary!
You make some excellent points, Grace! Thanks so much! I’m definitely having to rethink some of my original thoughts.
I especially appreciate your point that we are born into some relationships, giving us a lifetime of experience with them, but we enter into marriage as adults and thus need to learn them from scratch. That makes it harder. Thinking back on the first few months of my marriage, I can affirm that the beginning stages of marriage were a huge and difficult adjustment. And yes, sex can be a major source for disagreement.
But I don’t know if the “no escape” element of marriage necessarily makes it harder. In some respects, I wonder if it doesn’t make it easier: knowing “I gotta make this work” may help you to stay motivated to compromise rather than struggling constantly with the question of whether to give up and try a new arrangement. I find that element somewhat comforting.
Brilliantly put.
I think the reason people have different expectations for marriage is that it’s the one family relationship we choose. You can’t exactly choose your mom or dad or siblings… or even your children for that matter (even if you adopt you don’t know how they will turn out). We expect marriage to be more fulfilling and awesome because we get to choose the person we engage in it with. Perhaps we should examine our expectations rather than just calling it “hard work.”
I’m one of those that says marriage is hard. I think it’s harder than other relationships, for me, because it’s the most intimate relationship I have. That’s hard, to constantly work at doing that.
But, I just recently read this article about marriage being hard or not, and it totally shut me up . . . at least for awhile. She’s right (and you too!)–cancer is hard, marriage is easy.
http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/dealing-with-cancer-spouse
Right–living with people is hard. That’s what I always compare marriage to. It’s just like having a roommate for life. One who sleeps in your bed and occasionally borrows your toothbrush. Oh, and who isn’t too polite to fart right in front of you and pretend the dog did it. Yeah, that’s marriage.
Haha, I’m giggling. That IS marriage.
Excellent post, Kathleen! I agree with you that marriage is not exceptionally hard. I think that in order to have a happy and stress-free marriage, one has to truly understand his / her partner; this means “putting one’s self in their shoes” at least for a while. This also means that one has to focus on all of his attention on identifying what hidden values that drive their partner’s actions.
Has anyone already mentioned children? Having children changes a lot of things in a marriage. At least for me.
No, children haven’t really been discussed . . . I’m afraid that’s one area I don’t have any authority to discuss.
I think some other commenters touched on this already but I think that while living with people is hard, it’s not hard if you don’t care about them (strangers as roomies). Only intimate relationships are difficult to deal with and for me it’s family. Only with family am I the most difficult and as my husband and I have grown to be “family” (instead of just lovers) we act more like we do with our parents and this creates friction. A lot of it. I suppose if we weren’t both so spoiled we’d have less issues but coming from different families (different cultures) makes it difficult as it is.
Kathleen,
I think you bring up some good points regarding the challenges that accompany any relationship but I’m afraid I have to disagree that a marriage doesn’t require more work than other relationships.
A few other commenters have noted a few differences that I think are significant. In other relationships you do not necessarily need to blend every aspect of your life including sex & finances – which are 2 of the most challenging areas of most marriages. Generally speaking you don’t throw these 2 elements into relationships with parents, siblings or friends. The mere fact that these are thrown into the mix, make it a far more unique relationship dynamic to ensure happiness & harmony.
I also tend to think that expectations are extremely important. Meaning that, on some occassions, I actually have higher expectations from my spouse than I do my family or friends because I chose to be with him. It’s not like I’m “stuck” with him like a family member. And, because of my ‘marital union’ I’ve committed my life to him and I can’t simply walk away vs a random friendship where I could, with relative ease, simply choose to terminate the relationship and walk away. It’s not nearly that simple to separate myself from my husband as it would be to stop calling a girlfriend I’ve had for years. And that, at least in my book, requires a bit more “work” (it is of course, also far more rewarding!)
Marriage requires more HUMILITY than other relationships.
Being humble is the hard part.
I was searching for this topic because I had this question too. I’ve been with my husband 29 years, married 24. And I’ve never felt like it was “hard work” or really understood what people meant by that. But I, like you, am one of 5 kids (the middle one–meaning the diplomatic one!) My husband is mild and easy to live with. We have similar backgrounds, are both children of happy marriages so “knew how” to be married. One of our biggest challenges early on was how to argue and feel angry with each other–it terrified both of us because we’d never seen it growing up, we felt like we were headed for divorce court. So yes, early on, there was adjustment and a learning curve, but it always felt worth it, so we never considered giving up. After the first 5 years or so (we had kids right away which adds stress), it has become easier all the time. We still have to remember to LISTEN, and to TALK–to bring up the tough stuff instead of letting it sit there, have courage to say what we really feel, and trust the other person will accept us. But because we are both committed, that gets easier too.
Thanks for this. It is helpful.