After you’re married, you don’t have to worry about your looks any more because you’ve already made your catch. After you’re married, you only hug and kiss out of habit but not because you want to. After you’re married, you’re not interested in attracting other men (or women).
These are just a few of the things I assumed growing up. I was pretty sure that marriage changed everything. It caused you to feel more confident, helped you feel more settled about where you were going in life, and it made you utterly — erm – boring.
Man, did I ever have assumptions about marriage before I was married.
If you are married right now, you already know that I was totally silly for believing these myths. Maybe you were never so misguided. But it wasn’t too long ago when I could have used some marriage myth-busting. And so: Ahem. Here are a few of my own personal marriage myths that have been debunked through experience.
Myth #1: If you’re truly in love and happily married, you won’t get crushes on other men (or women).
Oh man. So not true. I get more crushes now that I’m married than I did when I was a teenager. In fact, I was pretty unconcerned with boys as a teenager. But now? I collect crushes. Every time I go see a play or lecture or poetry reading or rock concert you can bet I come home with a new crush. There’s something about a man on stage that makes me go gaga.
In my last years at university I got crushes on my professors and my classmates. Even on my honeymoon to Quebec — one of the most euphoric weeks I’ve spent with my beloved — I couldn’t help falling a little bit in love with every cute French boy I laid my eyes on, from the bellhop to the tour guide at the Notre Dame basilica cathedral. It’s as though all those years I spent forgetting to be boy-crazy as a teenager caught up to me in my twenties.
But this doesn’t mean that I’m unhappy with my husband or that I’m any less attracted to him. Not in the least. I think my husband is freaking amazing, not to mention totally hot stuff. Contrary to my childhood assumptions, my crushes on other men doesn’t reflect any dissatisfaction with my husband at all. I just like little things about these other guys that make me sigh and flutter my eyelashes a little bit when I think about them. But I’m totally not interested in a romantic relationship with anyone but my darling hubs.
Myth # 2: After you’re married, you’ll stop worrying so much about your looks, especially when you’re spouse is not around, because you’re already happily settled.
I wish this was true. But alas, I still fret like crazy over my complexion and my hair and my butt and my breast size. I was to be stylish. I want to be sexy. I want to have a fresh, pretty face when I go out, go to school or go to work. I want to be alluring, and not just to my husband. I want men to notice me (but not too much — I am a classy, Christian gal, after all), even though I don’t want to notice them. Sigh. I haven’t really grown up in that department at all.
Myth #3: The pleasure of hugs and kisses and touches from your spouse wears off with time after marriage.
I thought that by now smooching with my husband would be boring. It’s totally not. In fact, when I hear Ben at the front door in the morning, and if it sounds like he’s about to leave for work without saying goodbye, I get all panicky, dropping everything and running to him to make sure he won’t leave without a kiss and a hug. I wait for him at the doorway when he comes home at night, too, anxious for a smooch and a warm embrace. I glory in our hugs and kisses. They are better now than they were six years ago when I first met him.
Myth # 4: When you’re married, there is less opportunity, and you derive much less pleasure, from using such words as butthead, buttface, dumbface, dumbhead, dweeb and fart.
Nope.
Did/do you ever struggle with these myths? What are some others? What other things do you fear — or hope — will change if you get married?
Photo courtesy of MadMannequin.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
#2 – I think I actually spend more time interested in my appearance. Appearance never concerned me much before I met Gary, but I knew he was a hot commodity and used to women prettying up for him, so I made a couple concessions. Then I got a job where a little bit more spiff came into play and I wore make up on a daily basis for the first time in my life – and felt good about it.
Since getting married, I’ve had my hair layered and bangs cut. I’ve tried out manicures and pedicures. I’ve gone to a spa a few times. I’ve finally settled on an eyebrow shape I like, lost a little weight, cared about better fitting clothes and invested in a few more make up tools.
For me, it’s a security thing. I feel way safer experimenting and discovering what I like because I know Gary’s already on board. If I were single, I’d probably still not be comfortable with this kind of exploration. So I guess it’s not so much a fretting thing, but I’m so psyched about Gary, that I want to be and feel attractive, adventurous, sexy and informed.
That’s a really cool insight, Newlywed and Unemployed! You feel safer experimenting with your looks because you already know your husband likes you know matter what. Huh. Thanks!
I have seen all of these myths fall on their face in my marriage. After all, marriage isn’t some magic pill, it’s a promise and a process.
This made me laugh. After ten years of marriage, I can say that all your myths are just that – myths. This was a fun post.
Also to go along with what Newlywed & Unemployed said, I have more crushes now than I did before I was married because I feel safe and happy in love now. I’ve seen what it looks like when someone really loves me, and it looks pretty amazing. Because I now see that in myself–everything that’s lovable–in a way that I couldn’t before I was married, I see the beauty in other people more clearly. I worry less about myself and really look at others in a more selfless way. And when that beauty comes in boy-shape, I get a little crush. Luckily mine are primarily of the Jack White/superstar variety.
I guess this is kind of in line with Myth #3, but if someone had told me 27 years ago when we got married that sex would be better than year 1, I’d have laughed in their face.
That is so great, Scott. I totally believe it, too.
Ha. thanks for debunking these myths, Kathleen. I was just wondering what do you think of harmless flirting with those individuals you have a crush on? Or do you think that flirting is both inappropriate and harmful when one is in a relationship? I’m just curious to hear your opinion!
I definitely think it’s harmful! Absolutely no flirting if you’re in a serious relationship!! I don’t think there’s such a thing as “harmless” flirting, personally. It’s a good question, though!
Kathleen,
As far as I’m concerned you’re questioning all of the morals you’ve been brought up on. Firstly, you should know that marraige is sacred and between and one man and one woman. If you’re crushing on other men, then you’re implying that you are lusting over these men and that, to me, is considered a form of adultry. Sure you’re not acting on your impulses but the desire is there. This will tear a marriage apart. I say that as a married women. I will quote, for your reference: Matthew 5:27-28 (New International Version) Adultery
27″You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’[a] 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman/man lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Basically, you’re leaving the door wide open for satan to attack and destroy your marriage. You need to protect your marriage, not welcome these thoughts, my opinion.
Also, you said you fell “a little bit in love” with random men on you’re honeymoon. The problem I have with this is that love is love, in my eyes you can’t fall a little bit in love with someone, I think you’re using the wrong word here, the word that comes to mind is lust! not love darlin!
Myth#2: I’m going to quote you, “I want to have a fresh, pretty face when I go out, go to school or go to work. I want to be alluring, and not just to my husband. I want men to notice me”
I partly agree with you here. I want to look good too. I’m a new mom and don’t want to lose my figure or my hair style, etc, but its for me and for my husband not for other men to NOTICE me. My first question is why? you claim to be happily married, why then do need other mens’ attention or their gaze to fall on you while they walk by. How does your husband feel about this? I guess I don’t understand. You’re hoping for attention and yes, men will look if they want to, but you are purposly hoping they will. And the problem with that is that you can’t choose if these men are single or married and afterall if they are married you’re hoping that they’ll committ adultry by lusting over you. YOU ARE MARRIED! and all men, besides your husband, are off limits.
I guess, I want to end in telling you that I will be praying for your marriage tonight. We’ve discussed your blog with our husbands and we all found you’re views dishonouring to the meaning of marriage. Last question, what’s your husband’s opinion on all of this.
Faithful Christian and Wife,
I deeply appreciate the prayers and the concern. Thank you for your kindness.
I want to point out that I was writing hyperbolically in this post. I don’t actually think I am literally “falling in love” with other men — I only meant that I feel a deep admiration for and natural attraction to some men. It’s not like I lay awake dreaming about them at night. I am only really interested in my husband, sexually and emotionally. And I never said I actively sought the attention of other men, nor that I need it; only that a part of me still wants and likes it.
My purpose in this post was to help women — married or not — to feel normal. I wanted them to understand that they are not weird if they still feel attracted to other men after marriage. Marriage, or even love, does not have magical powers to turn off your natural attraction to the opposite sex.
I think that being open about this truth can help us to manage our natural desires. Yes, we will still find other men attractive and we will still feel a desire to attract them; but as long as we are aware of it, we have power to control our desires rather than letting them control us.
Thanks again for your thoughtful comment.
I really appreciate your honesty….often, this kind of stuff is not really talked about – especially in the christian circles..and it’s good to know others feel the same and that you’re not strange or wrong for simply being “human”