On the way home from work the other day, I heard Kesha’s “Your Love is my Drug” on the radio for the first time. (I know. I’m a little behind the times. That song was probably released weeks ago. I tend not to keep up with this stuff).
For the first verse or two, I was just caught up in how catchy the song was. Your love, your love, your love is my drug. Whoo! Catchy stuff. The deejay had warned me that a Kesha song was coming up, so I wasn’t expecting quality lyrics.
At first, I didn’t pay much attention to the lame drug metaphors – “my heart is fried,” “love sick crack head,” etc – they were too cheesy and unconvincing to catch my attention. Besides, who hasn’t felt a little “addicted” to their partner before? But I was struck by the bridge:
I don’t care what people say / The rush is worth the price I pay / I get so high when you’re with me / But crash and crave you when you leave
Hmm. Really? This is the kind of relationship we are celebrating with this song – a volatile, intensely dependent one characterized by temporary, euphoric highs and pathetic, desperate lows? The “price” she pays is constant emotional “crashes”? I found it troubling, to say the least.
I was immediately reminded of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight. (Confession: I read all of the Twilight books. More accurately, I devoured all of the Twilight books. I ate them for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Yum. Delectable. Yes, I am one of Those Girls). And since of course you didn’t read them because you’re way too sophisticated for that, you might not be aware that in the first book, Bella is described as Edward’s “personal brand of crack.” Despite his better judgment and concern for her safety, Edward can’t stay away from Bella. Edward knows he’s putting her life in danger by entangling her in the world of vampires, but he can’t help himself: he’s desperately addicted. He can’t stay away. Romantic, right? Substance abuse makes for such charming metaphors.
After hearing the song and reflecting on the book, I began to wonder how widespread this love-as-drug paradigm is. Is this the dominant message teenagers are getting about love: that it ought to feel like an addiction? That true love brings wild ecstasy when the beloved is around, but sickness and maddening frustration when he’s not? That any relationship that doesn’t bring these intense emotions is less than ideal?
I find this concerning. I think this is a dangerous portrayal of love, and one that needs to be corrected with much more positive, realistic examples. Yes, the Kesha song and vampire stories and compelling and interesting and all that, and I’m not saying we need to ban them or anything absurd like that. However, young people need to know that these fantasy stories are not the ideal for real life. Real love is not a drug. Not every moment with your beloved is going to rock your socks off. Some time spent apart from your beloved is healthy and necessary. And if you can’t function without your partner, you’ve got some serious problems.
Of course, I’m preaching to the choir with all this. You all know that real relationships are often mundane and frustrating, and that any relationship that leaves you “crashed” when you’re apart is grossly unhealthy. I’m just saying that I was reminded this week why it’s important to tell true stories about relationships. We need songs, books and movies that reflect reality too. They need to include partnerships that are beautiful because they are mature – because they encourage both partners do be more creative and courageous, and because they last through both tragedy and banality.
I’m down with the occasional fluffy fantasy-romance and energetic love song. But we shouldn’t live off of them exclusively. We need a touch of reality every once in a while. And it’s my goal to provide an occasional dose of charming (or not-so-charming) reality.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve been reading your posts for a while now and have never left a comment (call me shy) but I had to respond to this! I work at a retail clothing store that blares the same 15 catchy pop songs every day on a continuous loop and I have noticed the drug metaphor as well! There is actually another song out right now that goes “Your love is A drug.” Weird. I was just talking to my thirteen year old sister about these types of songs and the Twilight movies/books and how they are so far from real life. I was trying to convince her it would be edifying to read something else for a change. Maybe something a little more realistic (Jane Austen, P. G. Wodehouse…).
@ Bekah — Thanks for being brave and commenting! I’m not sure I would necessarily call Jane Austin more realistic (in her world, it doesn’t seem like married people ever have sex!), but she does offer a different (and perhaps healthier) perspective on relationships. And I say the more different perspectives, the better!
I get your point here and it makes sense but there’s no style of music out there that accurately represents how a relationship should realistically feel or be. I know it seems worse these days but this is exactly what we had growing up and I don’t think I have unrealistic expectations about relationships. Whether you were the person who listened to Eminem, Backstreet Boys, or heck lets throw in country, you were given very inaccurate relationship examples. Eminem was all about abusive, neglectful relationships. Backstreet boys, well, 5 guys who sang and danced! WOW! All men should be so dreamy! And country, someone is always cheating, theres always drinking, and someone wants revenge. Or they are complete sweethearts all the time, no matter what.
This is a problem. I understand that teenagers need more than this stuff to model their relationships after but that’s where I think parents and people around you can be helpful. I hope all teens have someone in their life that they look upto that can model a successful relationship to them.
I have to be honest, I enjoy some of the music you guys are fighting against. I like it for the beats and sometimes the catchy lyrics. I know most of it isn’t very deep, thought intriguing or realistic but I like it. I’m sure my opinions will change when I have teenagers, or even young kids, but I’ll deal with it then since I have no power over the music industry.
@Sue — I’m not fighting against anything, and certainly not against any particular style of music. I fully confess that I find many of those songs catchy and fun. I’m just commenting on a particular song, and suggesting that we could use some more realistic portrayals of relationships.
I agree completely. That sort of mentality is best left to highschoolers — the high, the rush of a new infatuation. Adult relationships (what I would call real relationships) are much more complicated and involved than that, thank goodness.
I’m not fond of the fact that young women are so often depicted in the media/music industry as desperately co-dependent. Worse, I feel like this socially-imposed identity has encouraged women to settle in their relationships in the name of some misguided loyalty or “need” instead of seeking out good men and healthy partnerships.
Have not heard the song yet but was also a little uncomfortable about the intensity of the Edward/Bella relationship in the first Twilight book. I’m part of Big Brothers/Big Sisters, and my ‘little sister’ also loved/devoured the books and while I was glad she was reading and did not want to spoil her food ~ did feel I should point out that if a boy is coming into her room every night to watch her sleep, she should tell an adult
Oh SNAP -You hit the nail on the head- I have been feeling like that is the main love portrayal that has been hitting the younger generation over the head lately- and it is going above that age bracket too. Like all the Twi-moms out there pinning and lusting with their daughters (gross right?) over a just-hit-puberty wolfboy with 12 6pack abs. Thanks for this post!
That Kesha song you thought must have been released a few weeks ago? Try a few months ago, Kathleen.
Hey man, I don’t know these things! Not everyone can be as hip and up-to-date as you!
Haha… just joking about the above comment! Love your posts.