A while back, I wrote a post asking for bad marriage advice. I gave the example of my pastorâs wife telling us not to have sex before marriage because if we didn’t abstain we wouldn’t be able to make it through the first year.
In the comments, a couple of people brought up the question of âsexual compatibility.â This topic comes up quite often when people discuss the merits or dangers of sex before marriage.
I have found that itâs quite popular among my peers to believe that couples ought to have sex before marriage in order to âmake sure theyâre sexually compatible.â You wouldnât want to be stuck for life with a partner with whom you are incompatible, the argument goes.
And I just realized today that I have no real idea of what it means to be âsexually incompatible.â Finding out that your partner is in fact a eunuch? That would obviously be a pretty big problem, particularly if you were hoping to have children. Â But otherwise?
I have no idea whether or not my husband and I could be considered âsexually compatible.â Weâve never known anything else. Itâs kind of hard to judge your compatibility when you have nothing else to compare to.
So what do you think defines sexual compatibility? Or what do you figure most people mean when they talk about it? Let me know in the comments.
One thing that I do know is this: for couples like me and my husband, the issue is almost completely irrelevant. Â We were willing to make it work no matter what we learned about ourselves and each other after marriage. Â We didnât need to “test the waters” before jumping in because we were determined to swim one way or another. (Sorry about the dreadfully cliche metaphor. The metaphor-making part of my brain is currently out of order).
Infinitely more important to us was the matter of whether or not our values were compatible. Did we understand marriage the same way? Did we share the same level of commitment? Did we have the same ultimate life goals? Were we both equally determined to make things work if they turned out to be harder than we anticipated?
And fortunately, these matters can be cleared up without the risk of becoming pregnant or contracting an STD. It just takes a good deal of old-fashioned “talking.”
Once we had all these things sorted out, we felt confident in our choice to get married and learn about sex, adulthood, and family together. And so far, things have worked out for us pretty well. We didn’t have much for expectations, given that we’d never had any other sexual partners before, so it was hard to be disappointed.
What are your thoughts on the matter?