“Kathleen, can I speak with you outside?” my prof asked as we all began gathering our books and pens together. Class had just let out. I was surprised by his request, because I hadn’t been one of the presenters that day and hadn’t handed in my final essay yet. But I nodded and stuffed my things into my bag before slipping out to wait for him just outside the door. He came out to meet me after everyone else had left.
“I just wanted to talk to you about our discussion last week,” he explained. I nodded. I had visited him in his office, and we’d talked about the upcoming year. He was trying to persuade me to do a PhD. With wavering voice, I’d explained to him that I wasn’t going to go on to do my PhD because I wanted to have a family. I was married, and had bought a house with my husband earlier that year. My prof had insisted that I would make an excellent doctoral candidate if I chose to move on, although he also understood my position. I had stared at my hands and fallen silent, and finally we’d exchanged pleasantries and I left, conflicted and anxious. Now, he looked at me kindly.
“I just wanted to say this: both choices are good choices. If you choose to finish your doctorate and become a professor, that would be a great choice. You would be a wonderful professor. If you choose to have children and be a mother, that would be a great choice. Both lives would make you happy, I think. One might make you happier than the other – I’m not sure. But the important thing is this: whatever way you go, choose it. Enter into that decision fully. Don’t look back on the path you turned from and regret it.” He smiled at me, I thanked him, and we parted.
I have taken my professor’s words seriously, and I thought I’d pass on his words of wisdom to you.
If you are facing a big life decision, perhaps you ought to do what he suggested: decide, and then fully embrace that decision.
Sometimes I am tempted to fantasize about what I’d be doing and how important I’d be feeling if I was working on a PhD right now. I’m tempted, sometimes, to question my decision, and list all the reasons why I was stupid for choosing to focus on my home life — especially after things went all wrong and I didn’t end up having any children. Even now, I feel the urge to go over the pros and cons of leaving school or continuing on, and to mull over which was the better choice.
But then I remember to choose my choice. Again. To re-choose this path. I must remember that to agonize over which decision would have been better is a waste of my energy. I have chosen this path, and my job now is to live it in the best way that I can.
I am honoured and grateful for his kind words of wisdom.
Have you ever found yourself struggling to continue choosing what you’ve chosen? What was it?
Image courtesy of Stuck in Customs.
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