I’ve never had to think too much about divorce. Unlike most Westerners, I’ve never really had to face the issue. My parents, along with all the aunts and uncles I grew up with, as well as all my friends’ parents, are all still together. Not all of them are in happy relationships, but they’re all still living in the same house, at least. I do have aunts and uncles who are “separated,” but they all live in different states and provinces and they’ve never been a part of my life, really.
Fortunately, I’m in a good marriage myself, and all my married friends seem to be doing well, too. So it’s not an issue I come across very often.
See, Mennonites don’t divorce. The Old Colony Church where I grew up has no formal procedures for carrying out divorce (as far as I know), and remarriage is absolutely out of the question under any and all circumstances. If a husband and wife just can’t get along they might start living separately, but that also means they can’t really be a part of the Mennonite community any more. To divorce means to cut yourself off from all community.
I grew up understanding that if you got divorced it meant you weren’t a strong Christian, or perhaps not even a Christian at all. The primary way you expressed your spirituality was through family life – by getting married, having kids, and staying married. If you got divorced it was because you were selfish, uncommitted, and didn’t love Jesus. You couldn’t serve Jesus and be divorced at the same time. And if you remarried, you were almost certainly going to hell. There was obviously no hope for a sinner like you.
So with my complete lack of experience in regards to divorce, I have to admit that I don’t really know anything about it. I have to confess that I don’t really understand what Jesus is saying when he talks about divorce in the book of Matthew (19: 8-9). I don’t know if there are exceptions to the general no-divorce rule in the Bible, and if so, what they are. I don’t know who should be in charge of enforcing those rules, if anyone. I’m not sure what role the church or the government should play in terms of what they should allow or enable.
And on a blog about marriage, I feel like I ought to have something to say about divorce. So here are the things that I do know:
I do know that divorce is tragic and contrary to God’s design for human life, and that in an ideal world it would never happen. I know that God meant for us to remain united – sexually, emotionally, and proximally – with one person for the extent of our lives. But I also know that we live in a fallen world and things don’t always work out that way. But I’m not sure why.
I know that to a large degree, divorce is so prevalent in our society because people are indeed selfish and uncommitted.
I also know that entering marriage with the mindset, “If this doesn’t work out, we’ll just get a divorce and try again” spells doom. Every couple should enter into a marriage expecting to make it work no matter what.
But selfishness and lack of commitment and a poor mindset certainly can’t explain every marriage breakdown. I’m certain that some very good people go through divorce, and it has nothing to do with how “Christian” they are. I’m certain that some very generous, committed, God-loving individuals go through divorce and I have no idea why. I certainly can’t be the judge, in any particular instance, of whether the couple did something wrong. I simply cannot point to any one couple and say with certainty, “You could have stayed together if you had tried harder.” I have no idea, really.
I also know that regardless, compassion for those who have gone through divorce is absolutely essential. I don’t know what the rules are for the people who are breaking up, but I know that my responsibility as a witness and a Christ-follower is to be sympathetic, generous, and non-judgmental. What do I really know about anything?
My other responsibility is to listen. Maybe if I listen carefully enough, I will learn more about the topic of divorce from those who have gone through it. I need to befriend people – single, married, divorced – and hear their stories with generosity and open-mindedness.
And where I can, I also want to help keep married people together. I want to encourage them to keep going, and help them through times of need, and offer my own stories so they can see marriage through another set of eyes.
What do you think? Am I missing anything? What other responsibilities might I have? How else might I learn more about divorce? If you have been divorced yourself, what else do you think I should know?
Photo courtesy of David Kingham.
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